Things I'm figuring out about parenting Alex....

After three years, I thought I had things pretty figured out and then along comes puberty and BAM!

Alex likes girls.
To be fair, he's always liked girls but this past year it's become pretty apparent that girls have become more and more a concern AND thanks heaven's a reason to comb his hair, brush his teeth and smell good.

I found out during the fall he asked a girl to be his girlfriend.

Not knowing I would ever find out he neglected to tell me about the conversation that went like this

Alex: Will you be my girlfriend?

Girl: No, Alex. I can't date until I am sixteen.

Alex: Friend then?
And he stuck out his hand and they shook.

I just happen to be friends with said girls mom and ran into her at their choir concert and heard the nitty gritty. You should have seen Alex's face when he saw me conversing with this girls mom.

Oy.

Anyway, he has always talked about having a girlfriend. Some of our first broken English conversations were about how he would walk up to a girl and say "You be girlfriend? She say yes."

I didn't think much of it until I had a little insight. 

Girlfriends are VERY important in an orphanage.

Not only is it a status - something that happens when you get older, proof that manhood is approaching - that you are now one of the big guys,  but when you have no one, it must be terribly important to have someone that is yours and you theirs?
It took me awhile to figure this one out.

I thing orphanage relationships try to compensate for the lack of family and love that most children get from being part of a family?

When this dawned on me, I sat Alex down and we talked about it. 

He admitted that I had pretty much figured it out.

I explained how I understand how important it is in an orphanage to have a girlfriend but here he has us. He has a family to love him. He has a home and a safe place and having a girlfriend so early is not the best idea. That there will be plenty of time for girlfriends but that right now, he has nothing to prove by having nor does he need one to feel love or that he belongs. He belongs to us and we love him.

He agreed and since our talk he has calmed down some.
Except he is sure that girls liked his longer hair more than his short hair.

(And yet numerous girls have commented on how nice his hair cut is? Please.)

The next "ah-ha" moment we had was one I shared with James.
After a busy week of dance recitals and lot's of family time - including an entire Saturday fishing with his Dad and sister Alex proclaimed Saturday night that "Saturdays suck!" 

Why?
Everyone had something to do....except Alex.

He was home alone - on the computer as all his siblings came and went with friends and parties to go to. 

James was pretty hurt about the "Saturdays sucks" comment after taking him fishing for more than half the day and he and I started talking, when it dawned on me and James agreed, Alex has yet to learn the art of socializing and being a friend.

He has never had to.

He lived with 17 boys. He ate, slept, showered and went to school surrounded by these boys.

He didn't need to be friendly. He didn't need to seek out friends. They were there 24/7 and if he didn't like any of them - there were 500 kids in the orphanage to be friends with.
Seeking out friends or being a friend is a skill he has never had a need for.

When we called him in to talk to him about his Saturday sentiment, I asked him what he thought should be happening to make his Saturday better?

"If our family could do something together. Play something." 

Ah-ha! 

We talked to him about all the many things our family did together all week. Including the hours spent fishing and that our family is here for him but we cannot entertain him and be his only source of socialization. We talked about what he needs to do to have friends and be a friend. 

And how if he had something to do, someone to hang out with, he wouldn't be feeling as blue as he is. 

In all honesty he has a cousin and one friend (that rarely comes over to play - aka "hang out") and it's not because Alex isn't fun or friendly it's because he never puts himself out there. He doesn't call, he doesn't drop by, he just sits at home waiting for his family to meet all his social and entertainment needs. Because that is what the orphanage did. He didn't have the option to call a friend from across town and hang out or ride his bike down to another orphanage to visit a friend.

Honestly, how is he suppose to know how to make friends? He had built in/live in friends since he was six years old. It's hard to learn to seek out friends at age 13.5 when you've never had to before?

Today he came home with summer plans to get water balloons and a water balloon launcher with  his friend Nick. 

That's it my boy.
Make plans.

Find friends.

Be a friend.

Anyway, those are my two epitomes .