An Alex Update

Back in the day I wrote a lot about Alex and his adjustments. It was cheap therapy for me but it's been awhile. Which is not to say he hasn't had adjustments - just that they're farther and fewer between and somewhat personal in nature. But I've been thinking long and hard and reading back through my blog (and ever so grateful for every entry I've made about this adventure of adopting Alex) and I've decided there's a few things I want to document so that I can remember and  that maybe some day - when I'm dead and gone, - my Alex will want to read and realize just how much love and nurturing went into his upbringing? 

So, he took Child Development last semester and came home one day and announced that he cannot bond because he wasn't held and loved as a baby. 

Oh. My. 

What I loved was that he came forward and shared this fact with me - I would be so sad if he had kept it bottled up. I was able to share with him that although he cannot remember being loved and held that his birth father and perhaps even his birth mother must have held and loved him because he can bond. He has bonded with us. That maybe his birth mother's neglect/alcoholism started after his birth father's death (when he was four) and that I felt that we had most certainly bonded. The look of relief on his face was priceless. I asked him if he felt like we had a bond? And he admitted he did.

You could tell he was just so confused with what he had learned in class about the importance of bonding at a young age and the ability to bond later. 

Then he came home another day and told me that he's stupid at math because he wasn't nurtured as a child. I had to explain that I being a first child, and first grandchild KNOW I was nurtured and loved but that I was bad at math too. He realized that had to be true. And quickly realized he couldn't blame his poor math grade on his birth parents. 

But this is the thing I really wanted to write about:

We were out to lunch one day - just him and I - and he had started dating a girl who lives with her niece. He was over to her house and witnessed this girl hugging and loving on this niece of hers and shared with me how painful that was to watch. I asked why? 

"Because I don't know what that's like. I wasn't loved when I was a baby." 

I then realized and asked,  "Is it hard to watch me with Harper (our new grand baby)?"

His eyes filled with tears just a little and he nodded. 

Oh my sweet son. 

My heart just ached for him. 

I reached across the table and held his hand and looked into those watery eyes and told him that had he been mine from the first that I would have loved on him and covered him with kisses and hugs just like I do with Harper. And that rather than feel hurt when he sees us lavish love on this sweet baby, that he needs to realize that this is how we would have loved him and to live and feel our love of him through Harper. To not feel hurt or left out but to embrace that he too is loved this very much.

He nodded and then I shared with him how much I wanted to cover him with kisses when he first got home and hold him tight but that at the ripe old age of almost 11 - I was certain I would have freaked him out. 

Then last week we were talking about tender mercies. Recognizing the Lord's hand in our life and the tender mercies he sends and I asked him to name some tender mercies in his life? 

He named Alexis - the girl his dating. (And quite smitten with as well.)

I admitted that she had come along at a time in his life where he really needed a friend and that she's a sweet girl and a good example.

What else Alex?

Harper.

Harper our baby?

Yes. 

He finds her a tender mercy in his life. A way to see and feel the love that he feels he missed as a baby. 

He's also super cute with Harper and although he won't fight for a turn to hold her like the aunties do - if I just plant her in his arms he just rubs her head and gazes at her. It's the sweetest thing to see this strapping young man hold this beautiful, tiny baby. 

And what about Alexis? 

Oh. I'm struggling. You see? He's still a baby to me. MY BABY. And if not a baby then my little six year old - because he's only been home six years. And it's been really hard for this mama to watch him wear his heart on his sleeve and fall head over heels. And I can't tell you the angst I feel worrying about the "what ifs" the poor boy has had more talks on virtue, moral cleanliness & proper dating techniques then all my other children combined. I just feel like he's so not ready for a relationship - or at least I'm not ready. 

Luckily she really is a very nice girl and try as I might, I really can't find much fault with her. 

He came home last night after their double date and shared that they're trying to decide what they "are". As in defining their relationship. ((Sigh))

As much as I've preached about not exclusively dating or having a girlfriend. I don't think it matters  much what I say anymore. As much as I want him to STOP GROWING UP and be my little boy (although four inches taller) for a little while longer. He won't. He can't. He's almost 17 and I only have him home for two  more years. Just typing that makes me misty. 

He's not the only one that missed the first 11 years of childhood, family life, hugs and snuggles. 

This mama did too.