Flashback? Comments welcomed.....

After a rough day yesterday - Alex stepping on his retainer and pretending nothing happened - and refusing to tell me about or complete his speech homework we had a great time at parent teacher conference. Alex has all A's and B's and one C+ (in choir) a couple of N's in citizenship (needs improvement) for being to chatty but overall? A very good report. The day ended well despite the lecture to and from the orthodontist about responsibility and honesty. 

So, imagine my surprise when I got a call from the assistant principle telling me he had Alex in his office because he looked at his student teacher in his English class and mouthed these words:  "F-ing B*tch!" ???

WHAT???

Alex has a lot of issues with responsibility, follow through and thinking ahead being at the top of the heap. Disrespect and foul language has not EVER been something we've had to deal with.

I was floored.

I agreed to the principles suggestions for in school suspension for today and the next and that he write a letter of apology but he suggested I also follow up at home. I called James immediately. We talked but really couldn't come to gripes with as to why or what had happened. Alex wasn't even in trouble or being reprimanded when this happened.

I wanted to rush up to the school and pull him out and demand an explanation. He had nothing to defend himself to the assistant principle and suggested that maybe he said it because it was funny?
FUNNY????
Are you kidding me??

Luckily there were 2.5 hours of school left and I decided to just wait. 

I knew he was nervous about coming home. The principle had said he was fearful and his eyes were tearful when he placed the call to me.

After about an hour I decided that nothing I could say or do would make this situation better. That I was at a loss as to what to lecture on or talk about.  I felt impressed to go against my normal rant and raving reaction and use a soft approach. Be kind and concerned and see if he'd open up and let me in so we could figure out what was behind all this?

He walked in the door and I was in my office,  he came right in and I turned and said very softly & compassionately "Alex, what happened?" He threw himself in my arms and sobbed. "I don't know. I don't know what is wrong with me. I screwed up. I said inappropriate things to my teacher."

As he sat on my lap crying, we talked at length about his day. Was he angry before class? Did someone upset him? Did the teacher do anything? Nope.

He said as he was sitting in detention he did a lot of thinking and he thinks he had a flash back of his birth mom beating him up. He said he looked at his teacher and she looked like his birth mom and he said those "inappropriate words" (seriously, he won't repeat the words, he's just saying "inappropriate words") I asked him what he was doing before it happened. He confessed that he was trying to remember Ukraine swear words. (Seriously?) He said he was thinking of English swear words and trying to remember the Ukraine version and then something happened and he looked at his teacher and saw his birth mom and mouthed the words that he did to her.

Wow.

We talked about how maybe his birth mom used that type of language and maybe that thinking of these words triggered the flashback?

He mentioned that it had happened before, this flashback and imagining standing up to his birth mom and calling her bad words. It was in choir and his friend caught him mouthing bad words. Luckily it wasn't directed at a teacher. 

Now, I know. You're thinking I'm a sucker....right?

No. I have a 14 1/2 year old boy almost my height sobbing into my shoulder sitting on my lap. 

The pain is evident. The hurt is real.

We had a good long talk about how he was defenseless as a little boy and how maybe these bad words are what he would say if he could stand up to her now? Or what he wishes he could have said when he was little?

We talked about how maybe when he revisits these memories he needs to conjure up me and Dad and his whole family standing there and protecting him from his birth mom because now he's home, and he's safe and we love him?

We talked about how maybe he needs to realize that what happened to him is not his fault and maybe not his birth mom's fault? That it was the alcohol talking and treating him that way?  

We talked about how she can never hurt him again and how we need to maybe talk to someone that can help him stop being haunted by these memories. 

We also talked about NOT thinking about Ukraine swear words!

Then, unlucky for Alex, parent teacher conference was still going on so we went up and talked and apologized in person to his student teacher. 

He was very remorseful and super nervous. 

He apologized and told her what might have happened and where the anger and words came from and that the words were not directed to her. (The teacher also has blond hair - like his birth mom.). I had to explain a little but he shared it all on his own. We also told them that we were going to be working on this issue and seeing how we could help Alex.

She was super great about it. And told him that tomorrow he'd have a clean slate and she wouldn't hold this against him and that she too was surprised, that she has had a great relationship with Alex.

We called James on the way home and he and Alex had a big talk - I had to run back to parent teacher conference with Rylee so I don't know the extent of what was said but James is good at listening and and making suggestions. I'll have to get more from him later.

So there you have it.

Anyone else have kids with flashbacks like this? 

I think he has pushed Ukraine so far away (he has refused to speak his language since being home 2 weeks) for so long that when he revisits even small things - like swear words - BAM!!! The memories come rushing back? And he's angry. Angry and hurt and he wants to say hurtful things to the woman that hurt him so much? 

I don't know.

Perhaps I should have taking more psychology classes instead of theater classes?

Please don't comment that he needs therapy. I think we know that and he's actually been seeing a counselor and we're certainly going to look into more avenues and help. I'd just be interested in knowing if anyone else's adopted children have had these episodes?