I am NOT a perfect parent but I think I am adequate and after having four children -one actually graduate from high school, become a legal adult and attend college, I got the delusional idea that I had this parenting thing all figured out.
Wrong.
I have never parented a previous orphan and all the "rules of thumb" often times have to go out the window. That's not to say I don't try all my tried and true techniques and kick against the pricks for awhile trying my old ways before I slow down, listen and learn.
Those of you that follow this blog (or just know me in general) know I run a pretty tight ship. I like order, I like schedules, I like to check off my "to do" list and I like things to go according to plan.
You would also know that I spend a lot of time lecturing/talking/teaching Alex. Often times after lecture/talk /rant #14 or #15 of a particular topic, it will sink in and he'll master or at the least comply with the topic at hand.
But one reoccurring lecture/talk/rant topic has been sneaking and lying.
Man alive. I just don't think there's another story or lesson in me that I can come up with about why we shouldn't sneak or the consequences of lying. I feel like pull my hair out and I take it so personal. "How can you lie to me Alex? I love you so much." It just hurts my heart.
Now, he doesn't lie about important things.
Nope.
It's dumb stuff.
Thing's like; "Yes, I did my job." when he didn't. "Yes, I practiced piano." when he hadn't "Yes, I did my reading." when it wasn't done. The only trouble he'd get in for telling the truth would be a "Then go do it!" reminder. Yet he chooses to lie time and time again, get's caught, get's in trouble, get's some sort of consequence and a talking to only to turn around and do it again the next day.
This week I think Heavenly Father must have been tired of watching us go around in circles and sent me a little glimpse of understanding.
An epiphany if you will.
It dawned on me that most of Alex's lies are because he wants to play, or have fun and lying just seems easier to Alex than complying. He takes the risk of getting caught and 99% of the time he ALWAYS gets caught.
Yet, he just keeps on doing it.
So the other morning I was doing some soul searching (while standing in a hot shower which is where I get my best inspiration. Probably because it's the only place I am ever truly alone?) after yet another lecture with Alex about doing the things he's suppose to do (get dressed, get chores done, get piano practiced) before playing (computer and video games) and realized that all his lying has everything to do with playing and having fun. Then it was like a little window opened up and I know these were not my thoughts but thoughts placed in my head; Alex never had a carefree childhood. He never had a time where he could just play and not worry about his safety or where his next meal would be coming from. His life up until the orphanage was wrought with neglect and abuse. His life in the orphanage offered regular food and routine but not safety from big kids, mean teachers or caregivers, there was no nurturing or love. He missed so much.
He didn't get to get up early in the morning and sit in front of the TV in his pajama's watching morning cartoons. He didn't get to spend the day building Lego buildings, playing super hero, or making forts out of all the blankets and chairs in the house. He didn't get to go to the fridge or pantry and grab a snack whenever he felt hungry or bored or pass out Popsicle's to his friends on a hot summer afternoon. He didn't have help with his school work or to encourage/reminded to get his homework done. He didn't have a family that piled on the couch and watched movies and popped popcorn. A trampoline to jump on, a bike to ride, a garage full of tools to build inventions with. He didn't have a mom to remind him to brush, bath tuck him in, tickle his back and kiss him goodnight. A dad to rough house, throw balls with and teach him how to change a bike tire. He didn't have siblings to play board game, shot hoops with and be bored with during the summer. He didn't have an environment to grow and blossom in. He was too busy taking care of his basic needs when most children his age are busy thinking about playing with friends, family vacations and the latest video games.
Remember how his baby teeth were during the hosting program? The dentist remarked on how he must have been under a lot of stress at a young age to grind his teeth down to little stubs like that.
So now, here we are. A twelve year old turning thirteen next month and yet having the desires and direction of a much younger child. Sometimes he's maturity and emotional level is that of a four year old but mostly I can see him wavering between 6 and 8. That need to play, play, play at all costs. The focus on fun.
Now, you might think. "Ah-ha! She's got it! She just needs to let him be little and make up for lost time? She needs to let up, loosen up, and let him live out those lost years!"
Easier said then done my friends because what my glimpse really did was help me to understand him and why he does what he does and for that I am so grateful. I really was taking this all so personal and having a hard time loving Alex unconditionally because he hurt my heart so much when he would lie to me. That's why I needed this glimpse and understanding.
Why can't he go back and relive his lost childhood?
You see, Alex wants all the perks & privileges of being almost 13 and yet can only handle the responsibility & expectations of being much younger. If he were younger, he would have much easier chores & study requirements (because scary 7th grade and Junior High wouldn't be looming in front of us), reminding him about brushing his teeth, washing his hands, taking a bath, doing his homework, and completing his chores would be a standard. But he would want to play with TOYS (Lego's, toy guns, cars etc) and not just video games and electronic toys because if he were truly that young, the video games that he loves to play would be forbidden and off limits. He would be playing things like Putt-Putt Goes To The Circus on the computer, not Mindcraft or Halo. He would also go to bed earlier, have less freedoms to roam, use power tools, not own an I-pod or wish for a cell phone.
So what to do?
Yep. You guessed it.
Another talk.
I had started out asking him if he knew what soul searching was?
No.
I explained that it was when you think hard and deep and look for inspiration for ways to improve on something that is troubling you or you are worried about. I went on to tell him I had been doing some soul searching about him and his issues with lying and sneaking. Had he ever done any soul searching?
No.
Never? Don't you think about how you can stop lying?
No.
Don't you just take time to think about your problems or try to come up with a way to improve things you struggle with?
No.
(Sigh)
I explained that at his age, this is something he needs to start doing but I didn't want to dwell on that topic.
We then talked about all the things Alex might have missed from his childhood, I mentioned a few and I got words directly from his mouth (with a little coaxing). His biggest complaint - besides not having enough to eat - was he missed out on playing video games and having money. (Apparently many parents would visit the orphanage and give their children money? Alex's mother never came.) We talked about how maybe because of him missing out on all this playing and having the freedom to just play and have fun when he was younger that his focus is always on playing and having fun now? So much that he might lie and sneak to get more funa and playing in? He agreed that might be true.
Then I explained my parenting problem.
Do I parent him like a little kid - how he acts sometimes?
Or a boy almost turning 13 - which he physically is?
He immediately chose teenager.
I told him he couldn't tell me verbally (with his words) how to parent him, he had to show me by his actions.
A boy of his physical age should be able to follow simple instructions, get his things done and then enjoy playing. That at his age he should not be so consumed with fun and play that he sneaks and lies. That I don't care if he wants to go back and act 5 or 6 years old, that is okay. I will hold him, rock him, sing him songs and he can have easier jobs, less responsibility, lower expectations and more time for play and fun. But he will need to play things that 5 and 6 year old's play and get the privileges that 5 or 6 year old's get and let me parent him like a 5 or 6 year old.(I said all this very kindly - not in a threatening or angry way. Really. If he wants to act that way, I'm okay with it, he just can't have it both ways.)
Nope.
He wants to be 12 almost 13.
Okay. Good.
Then show me.
And so far he has.
He's told the truth when he could have easily lied a few times. He still focuses on fun - the minute we finished our talk the next words out of his mouth - before he even stood up and or I had a moment to move forward in my thinking - were about the X-box and focused on fun and play. But like all things, it's baby steps with Alex. I do think we'll work on some "soul searching" activities this summer. That ought to be fun. We worked on a "descriptive" writing assignment last week in his journal. His tutor is working on descriptive writing and giving details and telling a story in a sequence so I had him write what he could remember about his Ukraine home, the orphanage and his life in Ukraine. It was challenging for him but once he got going, he did really well. So well, that I didn't even go back and correct spelling or sentence structure. I learned a few more things about him that I didn't know, like on Christmas they would go around begging for money when they were in the orphanage. He wrote that he felt in his heart that it wasn't right. He's not sure why but something inside him told him it wasn't right to beg for money. Interesting huh?
I'd love to let him make up for his missing childhood and re-live those ages he missed but the fact is he's not 5 or 6 and he doesn't want to be treated as such. However, there are some days we have moments of missed childhood like last week when he wanted to sleep with me or last night when he let me help him bath as he had hurt his leg on his bike. Moments and glimpses where he gets to know how it feels to be little and safe and loved. He loves to be hugged and at least two or three times a day comes in for a hug and a quick kiss on the cheek. When we watch a show, he always tries to sit by me, lean against me and get me to tickle his back, or hold my hand just like little boys who are small and not worried about their image and being big. Moments like that are priceless and I hope we have many more of them because a carefree, loving childhood is a terrible thing to miss.
