Well? I think I've figured out the basic struggle Alex has.
He. Does. Not. Think.
Not like you and I think.
He thinks only about the next 20 minutes of his life and how he can get through it, make it as fun as possible and/or exert the least amount of work or effort possible and then get back to trying to find something fun/entertaining to do.
Not thinking explains why he does a crappy job at his chores and despite getting called back time and time again to do it correctly and even getting assigned extra chores as a consequence - he continues to do it. Daily.
It explains why he loses homework assignments he has done, can't remember to turn in papers he has completed, and starts huge homework assignments the night before they're due. He doesn't think ahead. He doesn't think to organize his papers. He doesn't think to write down his assignments or refer to his planner.
He doesn't think to return James' tools.
He NEVER saves any money. The moment he has it, he spends it. Usually on junk food or stupid toys. He never thinks about the future and how nice it would be to have $10 to go play laser tag with his friends.
He doesn't think to wear an undershirt & long pants when it's 8 degrees outside. (The rule is if there is snow on the north side of our house - the side his bedroom is on - he needs to wear LONG pants, and an undershirt.)
He doesn't think to comb the back of his hair. He can't see it, and doesn't think hair grows back there?
He doesn't think to brush his teeth or wear his retainer.
He is simply (and I say this in the most loving way) a "cotton headed ninny muggins" (from the movie Elf.)
He doesn't think ahead, try to figure anything out or think about the future.
He admits when he watches a movie he doesn't ever try to figure out who the killer or bad guy is - he just waits to be entertained. (He was baffled as to why I would even ask him this question.)
No wonder he hates reading. If you didn't think about or imagine what might happen next? How boring.
So, we've started doing that with his reading. I'll stop him and ask why he thinks something happened? Most the time it's "I don't know." and an eye roll then I'll ask him to imagine why, to THINK of what might possibly happen? Sometimes it's very painful and hard for him to think about anything or come up with an idea. But slowly and surely, I think we can get his thinking wheels turning. (If only I had some WD40 to help with the rust that is coating them!)
If he would simply THINK about how doing his jobs over and over is not fun and only takes more time - he would probably do it right the first time?
We've talked about all this and our word for 2013 is THINK!
And not think about unrealistic things like "If I could have super powers....." or "What if there was a robot that did the dishes...." that's imagining not thinking. Thinking is problem solving in the real world. Thinking is thinking ahead and remembering the things he KNOWS he needs to do. That's what is so frustrating! He KNOWS how to do his job, he KNOWS what he needs to do to do well in school. He knows the rules. He knows all of it. He just doesn't think about it. And "I forgot" is his favorite cache phrase.
I asked him to think about and tell me his perfect day.
He had NO IDEA.
So we had to break it up into hours.
1. Wake up
(On time? With an alarm? What do you have to think about to make that happen?)
2. Get Dressed
(Do you have to go back upstairs and change your clothes because they don't match? Aren't warm enough? Or did you THINK about what you need to wear so you do it right the first time?)
3.Go to school.
(What do you have to do at school? What do you need to think about? Listening, taking notes, organizing your papers, handing in your assignments. School take lots of thinking!)
You get the picture.
We broke the whole day down like this.
I don't think he realized he had the power to have a perfect day and that it would take thinking ahead and thinking during the moment of choice to make it a perfect day. I could see a little glimmer of a light blub at the end of our very long talk.
(The first thing he said is his perfect day would contain NO LECTURES! So, we went over all the things he has to think about to be lecture free!)
The next day? So much better. He came home and told me he had an almost perfect day.
(And I didn't deliver any lectures!)
Later on (the day after our long talk) as I pondered why he is like this, why he simply cannot think about his actions and responsibilities after all this time? Why he wouldn't want to think ahead in a movie, a book or even about his life. (He can not for the life of him come up with anything he'd like to do in the future besides drive really cool cars which at the rate he is going will be an impossibility because he cannot think about how he will earn the money to own such cool cars.)
He's just here for the here and now.
I realized that thinking thing through must be a learned skill. One that you learn from an early age and in an environment conducive to cognitive thought and when you are consumed with surviving from an early age how can you think about anything else?
I told Alex as much.
I told him that I know in Ukraine he had to worry about where his next meal was coming from, how to protect himself from the big guys and basically all his thinking went to just figuring out how to survive. He agreed. But now that he's home, and safe, and taken care of, (and he has been for almost four years) we need to help him figure out how to think like everyone else does. That it might get irritating that I keep asking him to think but if I keep doing all the thinking for him, he'll never figure it out and keep making the same mistakes over and over.
He needs to THINK in order to succeed.
THINK.
Thank.
Thunk.
Here's to 2013 and THINKING!!
