A few "Ah-Ha's!"

I just finished reading this book this week. (Thanks Andreas for the suggestion.) Available at amazon .

Here is the synopses:

"Abandoned by his mother in a St. Petersburg dumpster when he was only three days old, Alex Krutov should not have survived. But God had something else in mind.

Raised in the harsh Russian orphanage system, Alex’s life was one of hopelessness and despair until the arrival of Christian missionaries from the West when the Soviet Union collapsed.

Infinitely More is the inspiring true story of a young man who would not give up, and the God who relentlessly pursued him. Jesus said, “I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.” This is the story of God coming to Alex, and the hope He offers to all of us."

The book for me had a few "ah-ha!" moments with regards to my own Alex and the struggles we've had. 

The first was the concept of learning. I have been at my wits end wondering why my Alex won't try harder? Why he doesn't seem to care and just do the bare minimum? Why he doesn't grab the bull by the horns and embrace the opportunity he's been given? 

In the book, after a very difficult time growing up in an orphanage this Alex has the opportunity to go to America around age 17 or18. He stays with a family that enrolls him in high school and although now fluent in English, he struggles in school.

While John's insistence that I strive for excellence was annoying to me, he was doing it out of love. No one had ever challenged me to that standard and the idea of striving to be successful was new to me. But excellence was not my goal in life; survival was. Russian orphans don't tend to have long term goals, rarely looking beyond the next meal, and in my mind, I was doing great.

This hit home for me. I was told repeatedly that my Alex was a terrible student from his teachers at the orphanage. Of course he was - he was labeled as such was my thought. But truth be told? He was a terrible student. He did his homework - much like he did his chores - just the bare minimum. Taking no pride in his work and certainly just rushing through it because until it was done, there was no FUN to be had.

It was exasperating - and sometimes still is - why doesn't he want to do well?  Can't he see the opportunity he has to change his life? To make something of himself??

I am happy to report that my Alex has started setting goals, like going to college and desiring to do more than drive a cab or work at McDonald's. He also told me he's going to try and get straight A's this year in school. (Which probably has everything to do with the $100 that we fork out for 4.0 report cards and/or $50 for making the honor roll - but if it motivates him, then great!) But understanding that no one ever expected excellence, or helped him see his great worth, has helped me understand his plight more.

The next "ah-ha" moment I had was with regards to gratitude:

There is a phenomenon with orphans, at least for those who grew up in an orphanage, that goes contrary to expectations: a sense of entitlement that comes from years of someone else providing for you. Never mind that their core needs of love and affection were never met, or that their provisions were secondhand, ill-fitted clothing and shoes, or that their showers were cold. Their perceived needs were always met by someone else - and not anyone close to them, either, but by and impersonal "them." Similarly  there is a concept with orphans known as "silent love": their inability to express appreciation. They were never taught how to show appreciation or express affection.....

It takes a long time for orphans to show love and appreciation to anyone......

It was an eye opening experience for me when I first noticed little kids in America saying "please" and "thank you" and showing appreciation and affection to adults was more foreign to me than the language.

I am sure that people were baffled at how picky I was when I first came to America (and still am, to some degree) but I attribute it to this sense of entitlement ingrained in orphans. For someone with few possessions and no income, my taste were decidedly expensive. I would rather  do without then settle  for something less than brand-name, expensive, labeled clothes and shoes.  

Oh gosh how this brought back memories of my Alex's first year home.

He felt very entitled and was very ungrateful. It was as if his attitude was "Well? I'm your son now, where is my Ipod? My cell phone? My Heely's." or anything that his siblings had. We nipped it with his gratitude journal. Once he was here just about a year - we started him writing every day something he was grateful for. That was painful for him. Sometimes he would look around and just see something and write "I am grateful for fans, or pencils" or any animate object he could see.But it worked. It made him think and often times we would get true heartfelt things he was grateful for.

He is now soooo much better about being grateful and appreciative.

But his taste? Still very expensive. He told me two days ago his favorite car maker is Lexus.

Great.

Good thing he has upped his goal to go to college because I doubt he'll be driving a Lexus on his original career plan to work at McDonalds. 

The last "ah-ha" was with regards to this Alex's humility. Through his journey and despite the amazing things he ends up doing to help orphans in his country he has big problem with humility. He talks about having a "snobby, arrogant, know it all attitude that may have worked for me in my survival mode growing up, but did nothing to serve me in my efforts now...." 

In our own experience, I thought my Alex would stop bragging and tooting his own horn based on the example we would set for him. That he'd clue in to how unattractive that sort of behavior was by purely having us as examples. Ahh...nope! 

It has taken a lot of role play and plain old "come to Jesus" talks about his attitude and humility. He still struggles with being wrong and loves to assume that he knows something when in truth, he doesn't. (Assume is a word we've had to review a time or two.)  But at least he's not lording around with his fists clasped together, shaking them high above his head,  claiming he is the champion of whatever it is he won at - be it Monopoly, a Wii game or paper/scissor/rock!

We still work on his "Ukraine stare" and stand offish attitude. My Alex may not have been fluent in English but his body language is loud, exact and very easy to understand. We work on not sighing, rolling eyes, huffing and stomping.....still. However, it's much better - at least what I see in front of my eyes. Behind my back? I'm pretty sure he's still pretty proficient. 

Anyway, I felt strongly that I should share these "ah-ha's" with my few readers that have Ukraine imports too.