When you don't have the words....just shrug!

So, this is the 2nd trip we've taken....just the two of us, since bringing Alex home. The first time was about six months after he came home. Despite me going over and over our agenda, and what he would be doing, and who would be taking care of him and assuring him we'd be coming home, he had a really rough time. He announced to his teacher the first day we left, that his mom was gone and was never coming back. He was very upset. I had clued the teacher in before we left and she assured him I would be home but he wouldn't be comforted. He would just shrug like "Yeah, whatever. You don't know." He was sure we were never coming back. As the week progressed he relaxed and let up until the last day he told his teacher "12 hours and my mom home!"

This time Alex has been home just over 21 months and much more acclimated to life here. Before leaving this time I talked to him again about leaving, about how upset he was last time and he laughed about it and sort of a shrugged with a  "I'll be fine. Just go. Don't worry." attitude.

Whew. 

(Last time I felt very guilty!)

So imagine my surprise when I heard he stayed home sick from church AND school on Tuesday. Sick to his stomach, yet able to eat and go to basketball practice. My brother Troy was pretty sure he wasn't sick but just missing his mom. 

We talked about it when I got home. I asked if he was really sick. "Yes, my tummy hurt."  We talked about having a nervous tummy and how our tummies can feel sick when we are worried or scared. Alex shrugged a maybe and then gave me a nod. Ah-ha, he was worried and missing his parents.

Later, I read over his journal entries he wrote while we are away. The stress he feels is pretty apparent:

2/14  (First day gone) I am grateful that I have a mom because she helps us when we need help.


2/15 (We called in and checked on the kids) I am grateful that my mom and dad are safe.


2/18 (We had been calling from the airport and checking on the kids) I am grateful that my mom and dad are safe because they are the only family I have right now.


2/20 (Yesterday) It is awesome having mom and dad home because I like them bossing me around. (I asked for an explanation on this one and he explained that he'd rather have us bossing him around then his sisters!)


2/21  (And again today) I am grateful that my mom and dad are safe at home.

On Sunday I was making breakfast and Alex was watching me and just blurted out "Mom, do you know how awesome you are?"  I looked at him a bit surprised and asked him why I was so awesome? He shrugged.
That afternoon after church a sweet lady in our ward (who is enamored by Alex) asked me if he missed me? Alex was standing right behind me and upon hearing his name popped in and asked "What?" She asked him, "Did you miss her?", pointing to me. His eyes got big and he nodded vigorously. I think most boys he's age would have scoffed and/or made a joke.
Nothing funny about not having mom around with Alex.
Love, love, love that part of raising Alex. He does not take having a mom for granite.
In his reading this afternoon he came across the word  "itsy-bitsy" and asked what it meant. I told him the meaning and then I pulled him into my lap and taught him the "itsty-bitsy" spider song, complete with actions, explaining that most children learn this song as a baby. We laughed and cuddled for a minute.
*Sigh*
. Pretty soon he'll be too big for me to pull on to my lap, and treat him like the toddler I missed raising.
Sometimes when I'm around little boys, I try to imagine Alex at that age.
I talked to him once about it, telling him how I wish I had the chance to know him as a little guy. And guess what he said?
Nothing.
He just shrugged.