I scary....

Alex use to say "I scary" instead of  "I'm scared of....." 

"I scary...." and he'd make loud sounds and hand motions for thunder. "I scary you die" "I scary (orphanage) director take me back."

I too have a list of  "I scary" items but they're mostly dumb. 

I'm afraid of:

Aliens.

Monsters.

and Birds. (Don't ask.)

They scare me more than actual "bad" people. Which is ridiculous. I know. 

But when I think about my greatest fear?

It would be to lose one of my children. 

When I see missing children posters - my heart lurches. I just can't imagine moving forward from that moment when you realize your child is missing. The not knowing would kill me. 

I also have made it very clear that I am to die before my husband and/or any of my children. I called it. James promised. I am documenting it here for the world wide web to witness. I am going first. Hopefully for not a really long time. But first - yes! 

Which brings me to the reason I'm writing this post. A fellow blogger shared a link to a family that adopted an 11 year old boy from Ukraine eight months ago and he was found dead in the shower. They thought he had the flu and had been throwing up but come to find out he had had a bike accident and damaged his duodenum and died the next day.

So very sad. 

Heart breaking.

I'm not a follower of this woman's blog but just reading her last few posts - my heart just hurts for her and her family. 

I can't help but think of my Alex who was eleven when he was home eight months too. 

She reminisced today about how her son would smell her and her cooking. Which reminded me so much of my Alex - as it probably does for any of you with Ukraine imports. They really have a thing for sniffing. But I realized today, that he doesn't do that anymore. He still LOVES my cooking and I catch him inhaling my scent when we hug but it's much more discreet these days. 

As I was reading this blog, I had this huge need to go kiss my little kids - they were sound asleep. No matter when I go in to check on Alex - no matter how long he's been asleep he will always throw out his arms to me for a hug. He loves to hug. He has taken to giving me a kiss with his hug before leaving for school. Which I love. He's started shaving - but I'm not sure why - it makes his cheeks kind of sandpaper-ish. It makes me laugh to myself. I have one boy that needs to shave and doesn't and one that doesn't but does? What the heck?

Since this is turning into an Alex post, we had an incident this afternoon.

It's been so long and perhaps I jinxed myself with that "all is going well" post the other day?

After day five of perfect comprehension worksheets I just got this feeling that something was awry. I casually asked him what the story was about? He stammered and came up with something about watching whales off a bridge. The article had nothing to do with whales - I am a very quick speed reader. 

I asked him how he could get everything right when he didn't even know what the article was about? And he looked at me -pausing in silence, then hung his head and mumbled,  "I cheated" (The answers are tucked under my desk calendar in my office - funny - I didn't realize he'd taken to completing his homework in my office lately.) 

I was pretty proud of myself for the composure I kept. I told him that must have felt pretty lousy to hear me praise him and tell him how well he did when he really didn't deserve it. 

Then I informed him he'd need to come up with a consequence. He didn't want to. In fact he out and out refused. "Okay, then you can sit there until you do." After 15 minutes I explained that I wasn't the one that cheated, I shouldn't have to waste my time and breath coming up with a consequence. I did my part of the deal. I printed up the worksheets, I spend my time correcting his work. He was the one that cheated, he needed to figure out a consequence for his behavior. He knows cheating is wrong. He decided to give me his cell phone for the week. (Wow. I was thinking just the ipod for a couple of days.) Then he had to do another worksheet and went to play. 

When he came in for dinner he was sitting there with sad eyes, I tried to make funny faces and he would not cheer up, so I asked what was wrong. "I hurt your heart." Be still my heart. "I know." I said,  "Good thing I love you so much. My heart will heal." and then he came in later and laid his scratchy, shaven cheek against mine and said, "I am really sorry mom." and it was so sincere and contrite. 

The fact of the matter was the worksheets were hard. Maybe too hard but he just needed to talk to me about it. I even prefaced that when I gave them to him. 

(((Sigh)))

Someday, he'll communicate about more than Jackie Chan movies, crazy invention ideas and video games.

But when I think back to his "I scary" and "sniffing" days, I realize how far he's come and just how much he's learned.

In fact, I'm surprised he even tried to cheat. He's been caught so many times in different circumstances that often times he'll come home and say "I'm just going to tell you what happened today because you'll find out anyway." (This might stem from some of the incidents when I've felt prompted to go check on him and found him playing with his iPod or playing video games when he knows he shouldn't. Or not doing his jobs or homework. I often tell him, "Hum....Heavenly Father must really love you to give me these promptings." It had gotten to where if I asked "Why do you think I came in here/found this out/caught you?" he'd say with a sigh, "Because Heaven Father sent you.")

I do believe that I receive more spiritual promptings with Alex than with my other children. Thank goodness, I need the help.

He still struggles to look me in the eye when he's in trouble. He always has. I thought before it was out of defiance - and it was. But now, it's to save himself from crying. He cannot look me in the eye without his eyes welling up with tears. Which warms my heart more than he'll ever know. The fact that he doesn't want to disappoint me or "hurt my heart" actually makes my heart soar. 

And tonight, I count my blessings, kiss my babies and rejoice that no one is missing.

I hope you'll all do the same. 

If you'd like to read this ladies blog and maybe write a comment her blog address is: 

http://followingclosely.blogspot.com/

Grab some tissues.