Discontent Delima/Advice Needed

I wonder if some of Alex's "issues" are just normal 14 year boy old issues or if they're part of his upbringing/neglect in his birth family and then later in an orphanage?

For the love, my little man is just so discontent. Nothing is "fun". Everything he's interested in holds his attention for a few hours to a few weeks. He is not passionate or dedicated to anything. 

We tried karate - a free introductory lesson - and he realized that he is not Jackie Chan and that this is going to take a lot of work and he has a lot to learn so NOPE no interest in karate anymore.

We put him in a track program because he can run like the wind. He hated it. He honestly thought he was dying because he got a stitch in his side. He finished the six week season but very begrudgingly and tried to only participate in events that didn't require running. Like long jump and high jump. 

He has an "arm like a cannon" according to his 6th grade male teacher who wanted to know "Why this boy isn't playing baseball?" Uh....because he won't? We've offered and offered and he's just not interested.

James buys a motorcycle just his size and teaches him to ride. That was fun for about two weeks. Now it's boring. Boring? A motorcycle? Please. 

"Alex why is it boring?"

"I want to go on jumps."
"Have you tried?"

"Yes. I crashed."

"Did you ask Dad to teach you how to do jumps? Give you any pointers?"

"No."

"Don't you think you should have someone teach you?"
(Shrug)

Nope. He's just done. It's "boring" and since he's not a natural Evil Knievel and has no clue how to jump his bike and won't ask or let anyone instruct him, he's done. 

I sat him down last night to talk about finding an interest. Something he's passionate about? He thinks it might be boxing. (Despite my push for wrestling because he's so strong and wiry and weighs just about nothing! Nope. He hates wrestling - although he and Austin do it regularly and he can beat ALL his friends at it.) Boxing huh? 

"Would you like to take boxing lessons?
(Secretly searching in my head "Do we even have boxing lessons around here?") 

To which he rolled his eyes and exasperated announced, "NO! I don't want to take lessons!"

"Oh, you think you're just going to be a super star in the ring without any lessons? Without any instruction?"

No answer.

(((Sigh)))

Keep in mind he's buried his face in his arms and mumbling to me. I can barely hear him and apparently talking about his interest and what things he might like to do must be close to mid-evil torture because he's acting so downtrodden and picked on. 

Then he sighs, "What I really want to do, I am to young." 

"Oh, what is that?"
"Race Car Driving."

(Good thing his face was buried in his arms because my eyes rolled to the back of my head all on their own accord!) 

Lucky for me, I had just finished reading a book which involved race car driving and I now have a new found respect and admiration for these daredevils that zip around a race track like it's nothing. 

I explained that race car driving takes years and years of practice and expensive classes and a lot of money and sponsors. I asked what he would do if he crashed and perhaps got hurt?

"Quit."

"Then race car driving is really not your passion. A person who is passionate about it would get back in and go again.  Alex, to be good a anything you have to practice and start at the beginning and you my dear want to be fabulous and the best from the minute you start." 

Then he mumbled more about school taking all his time and having a bad day and not wanting to talk about this and I sighed and sent him off to to bed. 

I did tell him he doesn't have to be the best at something to like it. That it okay to just love to play something or do something and not be the all around cream of the crop! 

He's not buying that.

It's hard to watch him be so discontent. He feels so picked on all the time. He struggles in school and has to work double for what most kids can do without studying. He's not friendly - hence the lack of friends. He's not sweet to his siblings - not mean either - just not interested in anything they're doing or in having much of a relationship with them. He doesn't have a hobby or and interested out side of electronic boxes and if we give an inch with regards to video games/computers he takes a mile and his school work suffers immensely because he cannot self monitor or balance electronic games and basic life requirements - like studying, chores or sleeping. (He'll play in his bed on his Ipod under the covers until the wee hours of the morning. Luckily for us, he has lost his Ipod - it took him about 2 weeks to confess it but honestly, I couldn't be more pleased!)

I keep telling myself that this life here - as lack luster as it appears to him and as discontent and disappointed as he comes across - is way better than the life he would have had in the orphanage. 

Which is not to say that he is not grateful. He is. He is grateful for the life we've provided. He tells us thank you for adopting him. He ever so often will share a orphanage or birth life memory that stings and he'll snuggle up to me with tears brimming his eyes and I know he's so glad he's found home.

I just wish he'd find more joy. 

I think he doesn't think fun and happiness are possible all while getting C's or better in school?

But then fun and happiness to Alex consists of an electronic screen and violent or face paced video games. 

But even then the fun wears off and it's "boring" and he's in search of the next coolest and best video game. 

How do you teach content? 

How do you teach satisfaction?

And as much as Alex would like to take and put his past life on a shelf and forget about it, I know it creeps up into his everyday life. 

Just this week I sat him down and we talked about orphanage life.  I told him to correct me if I'm wrong but that in the orphanage I bet they did everything as a group They brushed their teeth together, they went to school and studied together, they did chores together, they had a very structured schedule with a teacher/orphanage worker overseeing their every move and making sure everyone complied. Right? Yes. (But he did interject that it was more "fun" to do chores because he had friends doing it with him. Seriously? Well, I cannot adopt a grundle of children so we can recreate the "orphan chores as a group" scenario here!)

Life was very structured.
I also brought up that no one probably cared about what he was feeling or thinking or what his opinion was? And he agreed wholeheartedly. Which was my attempt to get him to start talking and opening up to us. Because we DO care.
Life there was very structured but life here is very self motivational .

I made a chart with a check list of all he has to do each day (get up, shower, wear deodorant, get dressed, hang up his towel, comb hair etc.) and how if he lived a "structured" life we would require he check off each thing and I would follow him around and make sure he did everything on this list (It was a very long list - thank you very much!) Then I showed him how his self motivated list looks:

Alex’s Self Monitored Schedule:
6:45-7:10 Get up and get ready for school
7:10-7:25 Scriptures/Breakfast/Leave For School
SCHOOL - Do your best, don’t goof off, listen, participate and record all assignments in planner.
2:40 School’s Out.
3:00-3:15 Get home, snack

3:15-5:30 Jobs and homework before screens
5:30-6:00 Dinner
6:00-8:00 Free time! If all home work and jobs are complete. (On Wed - go to Young Mens) Screens
or play with friends. No gaming on computers.
8:00 Screens off. Quiet time/get ready for bed/read for 30 minutes
10:00 Lights out at or before.

And I asked him which schedule he preferred?  He  - of course -  chose the self monitored schedule. I told him that he had one more chance at it, that I shouldn't have to remind him to brush his teeth each morning, that I shouldn't walk into his room and see his clothes hanging from and in front of the dirty clothes hamper, that garbage should not be strewn all over his desk when the garbage can is less than an arms length from his desk. That I shouldn't be telling him daily to turn off the screens and do his jobs/homework.  That he needs to do these things because he finds a sense of self satisfaction in taking care of himself and his things, pride in a job well done - not because he'll get in trouble. (Which truthfully is his only motivation. Losing privileges - especially screens.)

How does one teach that? 

Self motivation?

Pride in accomplishing mundane daily tasks?

The desire to do what you should because its the right thing to do? 

Perhaps his dis-contentedness is tied directly to his lack of self motivation? 

That he would feel a purpose and meaning to life if he found the desire to do well based on the satisfaction you feel when you accomplish things - not to avoid trouble - but to make yourself  organized, improve your mind, make your surroundings pleasant, feel of worth because you are self sufficient. I feel all those things daily. I love to check things off my list - not because I'm going to be in trouble but because I like to feel I accomplished something, that I made a difference. That I matter.
But he didn't grow up that way. He was raised as a litter. He was shuffled from place to place and told to sit down, shut up and not speak out.  He was expected to do the minimum and that is all he did and no one expected him or taught him to be self sufficient. That he can make a difference. That he matters. That his life is his and he can choose happiness, joy and contentment.
How do I teach that now? 

Comments and suggestion greatly welcomed......