Discontent Delima/Advice Needed

I wonder if some of Alex's "issues" are just normal 14 year boy old issues or if they're part of his upbringing/neglect in his birth family and then later in an orphanage?

For the love, my little man is just so discontent. Nothing is "fun". Everything he's interested in holds his attention for a few hours to a few weeks. He is not passionate or dedicated to anything. 

We tried karate - a free introductory lesson - and he realized that he is not Jackie Chan and that this is going to take a lot of work and he has a lot to learn so NOPE no interest in karate anymore.

We put him in a track program because he can run like the wind. He hated it. He honestly thought he was dying because he got a stitch in his side. He finished the six week season but very begrudgingly and tried to only participate in events that didn't require running. Like long jump and high jump. 

He has an "arm like a cannon" according to his 6th grade male teacher who wanted to know "Why this boy isn't playing baseball?" Uh....because he won't? We've offered and offered and he's just not interested.

James buys a motorcycle just his size and teaches him to ride. That was fun for about two weeks. Now it's boring. Boring? A motorcycle? Please. 

"Alex why is it boring?"

"I want to go on jumps."
"Have you tried?"

"Yes. I crashed."

"Did you ask Dad to teach you how to do jumps? Give you any pointers?"

"No."

"Don't you think you should have someone teach you?"
(Shrug)

Nope. He's just done. It's "boring" and since he's not a natural Evil Knievel and has no clue how to jump his bike and won't ask or let anyone instruct him, he's done. 

I sat him down last night to talk about finding an interest. Something he's passionate about? He thinks it might be boxing. (Despite my push for wrestling because he's so strong and wiry and weighs just about nothing! Nope. He hates wrestling - although he and Austin do it regularly and he can beat ALL his friends at it.) Boxing huh? 

"Would you like to take boxing lessons?
(Secretly searching in my head "Do we even have boxing lessons around here?") 

To which he rolled his eyes and exasperated announced, "NO! I don't want to take lessons!"

"Oh, you think you're just going to be a super star in the ring without any lessons? Without any instruction?"

No answer.

(((Sigh)))

Keep in mind he's buried his face in his arms and mumbling to me. I can barely hear him and apparently talking about his interest and what things he might like to do must be close to mid-evil torture because he's acting so downtrodden and picked on. 

Then he sighs, "What I really want to do, I am to young." 

"Oh, what is that?"
"Race Car Driving."

(Good thing his face was buried in his arms because my eyes rolled to the back of my head all on their own accord!) 

Lucky for me, I had just finished reading a book which involved race car driving and I now have a new found respect and admiration for these daredevils that zip around a race track like it's nothing. 

I explained that race car driving takes years and years of practice and expensive classes and a lot of money and sponsors. I asked what he would do if he crashed and perhaps got hurt?

"Quit."

"Then race car driving is really not your passion. A person who is passionate about it would get back in and go again.  Alex, to be good a anything you have to practice and start at the beginning and you my dear want to be fabulous and the best from the minute you start." 

Then he mumbled more about school taking all his time and having a bad day and not wanting to talk about this and I sighed and sent him off to to bed. 

I did tell him he doesn't have to be the best at something to like it. That it okay to just love to play something or do something and not be the all around cream of the crop! 

He's not buying that.

It's hard to watch him be so discontent. He feels so picked on all the time. He struggles in school and has to work double for what most kids can do without studying. He's not friendly - hence the lack of friends. He's not sweet to his siblings - not mean either - just not interested in anything they're doing or in having much of a relationship with them. He doesn't have a hobby or and interested out side of electronic boxes and if we give an inch with regards to video games/computers he takes a mile and his school work suffers immensely because he cannot self monitor or balance electronic games and basic life requirements - like studying, chores or sleeping. (He'll play in his bed on his Ipod under the covers until the wee hours of the morning. Luckily for us, he has lost his Ipod - it took him about 2 weeks to confess it but honestly, I couldn't be more pleased!)

I keep telling myself that this life here - as lack luster as it appears to him and as discontent and disappointed as he comes across - is way better than the life he would have had in the orphanage. 

Which is not to say that he is not grateful. He is. He is grateful for the life we've provided. He tells us thank you for adopting him. He ever so often will share a orphanage or birth life memory that stings and he'll snuggle up to me with tears brimming his eyes and I know he's so glad he's found home.

I just wish he'd find more joy. 

I think he doesn't think fun and happiness are possible all while getting C's or better in school?

But then fun and happiness to Alex consists of an electronic screen and violent or face paced video games. 

But even then the fun wears off and it's "boring" and he's in search of the next coolest and best video game. 

How do you teach content? 

How do you teach satisfaction?

And as much as Alex would like to take and put his past life on a shelf and forget about it, I know it creeps up into his everyday life. 

Just this week I sat him down and we talked about orphanage life.  I told him to correct me if I'm wrong but that in the orphanage I bet they did everything as a group They brushed their teeth together, they went to school and studied together, they did chores together, they had a very structured schedule with a teacher/orphanage worker overseeing their every move and making sure everyone complied. Right? Yes. (But he did interject that it was more "fun" to do chores because he had friends doing it with him. Seriously? Well, I cannot adopt a grundle of children so we can recreate the "orphan chores as a group" scenario here!)

Life was very structured.
I also brought up that no one probably cared about what he was feeling or thinking or what his opinion was? And he agreed wholeheartedly. Which was my attempt to get him to start talking and opening up to us. Because we DO care.
Life there was very structured but life here is very self motivational .

I made a chart with a check list of all he has to do each day (get up, shower, wear deodorant, get dressed, hang up his towel, comb hair etc.) and how if he lived a "structured" life we would require he check off each thing and I would follow him around and make sure he did everything on this list (It was a very long list - thank you very much!) Then I showed him how his self motivated list looks:

Alex’s Self Monitored Schedule:
6:45-7:10 Get up and get ready for school
7:10-7:25 Scriptures/Breakfast/Leave For School
SCHOOL - Do your best, don’t goof off, listen, participate and record all assignments in planner.
2:40 School’s Out.
3:00-3:15 Get home, snack

3:15-5:30 Jobs and homework before screens
5:30-6:00 Dinner
6:00-8:00 Free time! If all home work and jobs are complete. (On Wed - go to Young Mens) Screens
or play with friends. No gaming on computers.
8:00 Screens off. Quiet time/get ready for bed/read for 30 minutes
10:00 Lights out at or before.

And I asked him which schedule he preferred?  He  - of course -  chose the self monitored schedule. I told him that he had one more chance at it, that I shouldn't have to remind him to brush his teeth each morning, that I shouldn't walk into his room and see his clothes hanging from and in front of the dirty clothes hamper, that garbage should not be strewn all over his desk when the garbage can is less than an arms length from his desk. That I shouldn't be telling him daily to turn off the screens and do his jobs/homework.  That he needs to do these things because he finds a sense of self satisfaction in taking care of himself and his things, pride in a job well done - not because he'll get in trouble. (Which truthfully is his only motivation. Losing privileges - especially screens.)

How does one teach that? 

Self motivation?

Pride in accomplishing mundane daily tasks?

The desire to do what you should because its the right thing to do? 

Perhaps his dis-contentedness is tied directly to his lack of self motivation? 

That he would feel a purpose and meaning to life if he found the desire to do well based on the satisfaction you feel when you accomplish things - not to avoid trouble - but to make yourself  organized, improve your mind, make your surroundings pleasant, feel of worth because you are self sufficient. I feel all those things daily. I love to check things off my list - not because I'm going to be in trouble but because I like to feel I accomplished something, that I made a difference. That I matter.
But he didn't grow up that way. He was raised as a litter. He was shuffled from place to place and told to sit down, shut up and not speak out.  He was expected to do the minimum and that is all he did and no one expected him or taught him to be self sufficient. That he can make a difference. That he matters. That his life is his and he can choose happiness, joy and contentment.
How do I teach that now? 

Comments and suggestion greatly welcomed......

Devree's Drill Team

School Pictures

Devree ~ Junior

Alex ~ 8th Grade

Rylee ~ 7th Grade

Communication Vent!

Eee Gads!

My hat's off to those of you who adopted kids at age 14 or older.

Alex is so difficult right now. 

He is so closed and aloof. 

I just want him to TALK TO ME!

COMMUNICATE!

Is that so hard to ask? Why the heck did I work so hard on teaching him English only to have him say nothing?

Yes, I am a talker.

I like to talk.

I like to talk about REAL things - not about "What I would buy if I had 5 million dollars." (The only long conversation we've had in weeks consist of Alex pretending he was a Viking prince that was left in Ukraine only to be adopted by us and that he has 5 million dollars in some Viking bank and what he's going to spend it on. Good grief.)

I would like to hear things like this:

Mom, I can't get my job done tonight because I have too much homework. (But first I would have to not catch him gaming on my computer after school to actually appreciate the need he has to get his homework done.)

Mom, don't worry about getting me a ride to school in the rain because I don't mind walking. In fact I WANT to walk.  Really. (BEFORE I go to the effort to arrange for him a ride - which he witnessed and took some arranging yet he never mentioned that he wanted to walk.) 

Mom, I didn't wear the clothes you set out for me because I felt like wearing this - there is nothing wrong with the clothes you set out though. (Rather than me asking if there was something wrong with the clothes I set out? Yes. Are they too small? No. Is it stained? No. Is there a hole or rip? No. Don't you like them? No. Well what's wrong with them? I just want to wear this. So nothings wrong with the clothes I set out? No. You just want to wear this? Yes. Then why didn't you just say that from the first?)

Mom, I like a girl at school named Tanner and that's why I am always so late getting home. (Instead of me confiscating his phone - due to trust issues - and reading the banner that says "Tanner is awesome" and then the hundreds of text between the two playing 21 questions and talking about holding hands. Eye-yiyi!)  

Mom, I know I need a haircut and I appreciate you making me an appointment but I don't know how I want it cut - could you help me find a style? (Instead of me goggling young men haircuts and he grunting "no" to everything I show him and yet he doesn't know what he's going to tell the hairdresser this afternoon. He wants it short on the sides and long on the top and back but we can't find an existing haircut known to mankind that is what he wants? It sounds like a mullet to me?)

Or just about anything regarding his feelings, opinions, life, loves, likes, dislikes. 

Anything that's meaningful. 

I dread the answer "I don't know." 

It's his answer for everything.

Alex, why are you on the computer when your homework is not done?

I don't know.

Alex, why isn't your job done?

I don't know.

Alex, what do you want to make for dinner? 

(Since he's 14 he gets to cook once a week. Torture for all involved.)

I don't know.

Alex, what are you thinking?

I don't know.

Then who does my love?

Who knows what is going on inside of your head if you don't?

Guys Camping Trip

Devree & Drill Pics

First half time game show!

 The shadow....

Spartan Spec

 Singing with her Acapella  - in her drill clothes

 Pom Routine

 Drill team 5K fund raiser. Kam & Kam made the run!

Update in Bullets

• I rescued my niece from school this week. She's in kindergarten and was having a melt down - due to coming off of some medication for her asthma. She was so sad and told me "I missed my mom so much I couldn't breath." (She was crying hysterically when she called Kammy at work.) Then she asked me if Rylee misses me like that when she's at school? Later I was sharing the story with Alex and Rylee and when I got to the part where Syd asked if Rylee missed me like that when she's at school Alex pipped in with "I do." Ahhh....either he really does love me or he knows how to make me melt.
• Rylee audition for and got a solo for her upcoming choir concert. Ry has a sweet voice - she just gets so nervous when she auditions but she must have held back the tears because she made it!
• Devree made both her drill military and dance numbers. No small feat apparently. She is one of two of the first year drill girls that have so far made it into each number. 
• Austin, James and Alex are on a motorcycle/gun shooting/camping boys weekend. I think the girls and I are going out to eat and a movie and then home to sleep in our nice beds.
• James is having surgery on Monday. Deviated septum. I am looking forward to a quiet week full of movies and lounging about - although he thinks he's going to paint Devree's car. Crazy man.
• Kambree's home - she's got a date tomorrow and running the the drill fundraiser 5K for Dev tomorrow. She's dating a nice boy name Everett. Or Ev. Or Big E - but let's not call him Mount Everett. (I didn't think of that connotation when I offhandedly referred to him as such.)
• Austin is still not working. He's been hired at Chuck A Rama but they're just not training him. And he has a job application into the Work Activities Center and we've been told they want him, but still no job offer. 
• Alex had a terrible spill on his skateboard this week. Kambree had a wipe out on a motorcycle as well. (Lucky both came out as well as they did.

Solitary Confinement Report

Ahhh...my friends. 

Thanks for the comments.

So, Alex lived through his 24+ hours of bedroom confinement.

It wasn't easy.

Friday during school, I cleared out his room of all the junky toys, tools and "materials" (garbage) that he stores in his desk drawers. I filled up an entire laundry basket. I removed everything but books, papers and pencils. 

When he came home from school - despite his Dad telling him of his grounding to his room - he didn't think we'd really go through with it? 

(Not sure how this boys brain works - what I think is obvious isn't always obvious so I won't even gander a guess as to why he thought we really weren't going to go through with this.)

He was mad.

Mad. Mad. Mad.

James called Friday after he'd been in his room for a wee hour or hour and a half and as I was heading upstairs with James on the phone, who is caught sneaking out of our bedroom?

Oh yes.

Alex. 

Oh my heck!!!

James heard me ask

"Alex what are you doing in my room?"

He heard Alex say "Watching TV."

And then I said "Here's your Dad." and I handed him the phone and walked away. I think I wanted to spank that kid and I knew once I started, I wouldn't want to stop.

Friday night was rough.

But he didn't dare leave the confines of his room again.

I brought him dinner and told him to leave his dishes in his room.
He refused to look at me or acknowledge I was there.
But I brought one of his favorites - clam chowder and bread - and I knew he wouldn't be stoic enough not to eat.
I was right. 

He stayed in his room all night - going to sleep at 8:30 pm.

The next morning we went to a ward breakfast and he had to sit with me and not go run about with his friends.

We came home and sat on the porch - everyone else had run their separate ways and we had a great talk.

(I know. I talk a lot. I can't help it. This hurts my heart. Friday night when he was sleeping I snuck in and brushed his hair from his face - he's a very sound sleeper. I just wanted so much to hold him and "fix" him. But I know I can't fix him. He needs to fix himself. He needs to want for himself the same good things we want for him.)

It was a long talk and I won't bore you with all the details but one of the most enlightening parts was when we were talking about Austin's choice of not driving.  (Austin has elected to not drive a car or be on our car insurance in order to not do a daily chore and make his bed. I know. Crazy. We'll see how long this lasts.) And Alex was telling me how he would never choose that and I softly explained that he is already choosing that. He looked puzzled. I explained that driving is a huge trust issue and if we can't trust him to stay in his room when told to, or do his jobs or homework before screens or try his hardest in school and obey the rules, or just obey basic family rules - he is showing us that he cannot be trusted and there is no way we would trust him with a car of ours. 

The light dawned on his face. 

I told him, how could we trust him to drive to school and home and not know if he was going to stop and smoke pot?

He got very indignant. 

"I would never smoke pot."

I asked him why and he told me because it was bad for his body. He could hurt someone if he was driving under the influence etc.
We talked about how not choosing to smoke pot was actually choosing happiness rather than pain and misery.

Then I explained that all our rules are in place for his happiness, like not smoking pot. 

I had him tell me why we had some of rules - why they would make him happy if he obeyed them? He came up with getting C's or better would afford him the opportunity to go to college and get a good job and be able to buy the cool cars he likes, be married and support a family.

Jobs were to teach him to work and help our family run smooth  and doing homework before screens was to improve his chances of getting C's or better.

It was a sweet talk by the end and once again, I explained how much we loved him and want what's best for him because we love him so much. That if we didn't love him, we wouldn't care. 

He elected to do a few jobs rather than return to his room.
(The deal was stay in your room or work.)

He returned to his room after lunch and James called and gave him the task of writing down everything he needs to do for his science class to improve his grades. He made a good list. I helped him add a few things then he called James and they went over the list. Then James had him do the same thing with each class he was struggling with. He went over his list with James again and James made suggestions and they talked about sacrificing something NOW for something a lot better later. (Alex just can't remember the word sacrifice - he keeps referring to it as "risk".) 

Then he had to make a list about how he was going to obey our family rules. It was an impressive list. I did help him add a few more things, like communicate - that most problems could be solved by just talking or explaining what his plan is. And we talked about and learned the word "procrastination" something Alex does with everything. He committed to try to not to procrastinate.  

But really, he came up with all the lists and plans of action for school and obeying on his own. 

The idea was to get him to think about it and come up with a plan, rather than droning on and on about how he should think and what we think his plan should be.

Saturday after dinner he was released from his room with the resolve to be a new man!

Sunday was heavenly.

He was very attentive and sweet. I have managed to sprain my wrist (falling over on my bike with my shoe pegged into my pedal - how stupid.) and he was so helpful and loving all day long. He snuggled with me through a movie we watched Sunday night and had to come kiss me goodnight three times before he finally got to bed. 

It's hard to believe his 14 when he's so snugly like that. He seems so little to me. More like the ten year old we meet at the airport four years ago this October. Add to that his struggles with schools and rules and he just doesn't seem even close to 14 but then I see him with girls, and hear his phone go off with text from girls and (during this grounding I decided to) read these text from girls and I am well aware that he is a 14 year old, red blooded, adolescent boy.
Eye-yi-yi!
I just want to freeze him and make time stand still. 

In his defense, the girls are pretty bold and he is pretty reserved. He's made it clear he doesn't date until he's 16 but he text* the sweetest things.  If I were a 14 year old girl, it would make my heart swoon.  His cute face would only make matters worse. 

Oy.

So now besides video games, Internet, TV, skateboards, Ipods, and computers - let's add girls to the list of distractions Alex has.

Oy. Oy. Oy.

Heaven help us. 

And heaven help Alex to follow his own plan of action for success in school and home. 

And this is what a very bored boy does in his room on a Saturday afternoon. 

He found floss and an old wire hanger and was attempting to make a musical instrument.

I didn't think to clear out the floss and this just might be the only wire hanger in the house? (I hate wire hangers and only have plastic!) 

And here is this years school pictures.

Look at those cute kids!

Oy!

*At least if he's texting, he's writing in English and attempting to communicate? That's a plus, right? I have to look for the silver lining in this girl thing.

Devree's Homecoming

The dress and accessories.....

Her date....Devin.

(Dev & Dev....cute huh?)

I was not dressed for the occasion but had to help with the buttoner pinning.

Boys.....grrr.....

How in the world?

How in the world can you have two sons - one adopted, one biological and yet peas in a pod?

Serious.

And not in the sweet pea variety either.

One son, not working or going to school. Attempting to find a job when he rolls out of bed around noon - if said job sound "interesting" or "fun" to him.

One son failing four different tests/quizzes in four different classes - only because one mom picked up on some frustration through a random writing assignment - upon further questioning/interrogation finds that said son has failed a science quiz. 

"Were there sheets to study?"

"No."

"Was there a book to look at?" 

"No. I just don't understand his questions."

"Then let's go talk to Mr. Science Teacher and see why you are not understanding his questions."

"Or, just get me a new teacher?"

"Ahhh....no."

Upon arriving at the school during the last ten minutes of class who do I find kicked out of his math class and standing in the hall for "tapping". (Drumming on his desk with his hands and tapping his feet.) Yes. This very son. Great.

I take him with me to Mr Science Teacher across the hall with the promise to the other boy kicked out of class with my son that we would be back to talk to Ms. Math Teacher. 

Science teacher shows us the study sheets that were provided, explains it was an open note/journal test, and we look at son's notes/journal - which is randomly recorded on any page he flips to in a notebook with other pages of random drawings and scribbles. 

Nice.

Then we look at the ONE assignment turned in? 

He has failed it. 

Largely in part to not finishing questions. 

He didn't even get the easy three points of having his parents SIGN said assignment.

We make some goals and walk across the hall to Mrs. Math Teacher.

She explains that son needs to be quiet, even if he understands what she is teaching, there are other children in the class who do not.

While we're there, I ask how he's doing?

She looks it up. 

Oh.

Look who failed his math test.

Further more, look who failed to correct the missed problems and return them for half credit on time.

Nice.

Son claims he "lost" his test.

We go to locker.

No test.

We get a mini lecture about the same dang things we talk about every school year right there. In the empty hall of the junior high.

We go home and find failed math test in home locker and proceed to correct missed problems. (He got 18 out of 40.)

We get out his brand, spanking new planner with NOTHING written in it and proceed to write what is due in the upcoming week due to each and every email I receive from his teacher.

Over the course of the next few days, I discover he has failed his English test - just left things blank - and although he got a 81% on his States and Capitals test in history (which we spent HOURS studying for - he and I) he has managed to get F's or D's on the last four assignments.

Great.

This after Monday going over a new plan of parenting. 

A plan that descriptively shows what we provide for our children and in return what their responsibilities and obligations are to our family. 

A plan that if followed would be like a peaceful Utopia. Everyone working together for a common goal. Mom not bugging/nagging each member to do the jobs/responsibilities that are theirs. 

An idea that made me giddy with excitement.

That excitement lasted less than 24 hours.

Both boys have different plans - one being over 18 and a legal adult with different responsibilities/obligations. 

Both boys have managed in three short days to pretty much ignore the whole plan.

I won't go into details. 

Both boys get a Skype lecture from their father who has an entirely different parenting style than the mother.

One boy might be moving out if things don't improve.

The other is grounded to his room after school until he can figure out how to get his life together.

Not exactly what I'd do with 2nd boy but since my three years and three months of pep talks, lectures, lessons, goal charts, check lists, incentive programs, consequences, privilege withdraws, pleading and bribing have not worked?

Maybe solitary confinement will?

Oh my.

And here I have always said "boys are easier." 

Apparently, I spoke too soon.