Laboring At English.....

Alex has learned English slowly. So slowly that I often times felt he wasn't really even progressing but consoled myself with "Well? At least he can communicate his basic needs?"
But when I look back I can see that he HAS progressed. I think it's because I'm so close to the situation or that I want so much for him to progress in leaps and bounds that I don't notice? I guess I could say the same about his height growth? From day to day he doesn't seem to be growing but then when you compare this year to last year? He's two inches taller! That's how his English is. We still have some funny confusion. I was telling Alex about out car situation - we had a check engine light on. I was telling him the part to fix the car will cost $400 plus labor!" He looked at me confused and then asked. "Is the car going to give birth?"
Ha, ha, ha!!! I explained the different meanings for the word labor and we had a good laugh. Later when I was telling James about it, Alex pipped in with "I was going to say if the car has a baby, I get it!" 
We also had him come home and tell an off colored joke to the family a few weeks ago. We sat in stunned silence after its delivery. Well, some of us did. The girls and I did - the girls because they didn't know the vulgar word in the context it was used but Alex was laughing at his own joke and James and Austin were trying hard (but to no avail) to suppress their laughter.  (These are the times my theater training comes in handy. I have worked hard not to laugh on stage and show expression when I'm playing in a comedy - who knew this skill would be so important in my life as Alex's mother?)
Alex is laughing because he thinks the joke is funny literally - and probably because his friends laughed when they heard it. He has NO IDEA what he has just said and why should he? The word in question is a normal everyday word. OK. I'm just going to share the joke - skip ahead if you're easily offended. Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?
Because he only cums once a year.
Yep. It was the "c" word. Comes. That's the way Alex is saying it and using it and in everyday language how we use the word but we all know that is NOT what the word means in this context. I matter of factually and with proper medical terms give him the alternate/vulgar meaning of the "c" word. His eyes get HUGE. The girls eyes get HUGE. Austin and James are still struggling to suppress their belly laughs. And then we move on and drop it.
Well? Someone has to tell him! I learned the facts of life in 6th grade repeating a joke I didn't get to my mother. As uncomfortable and awkward as it is, I'm his mom and I'd rather he learn from me than from his peers - and apparently his peers are only repeating vulgar jokes - not explaining them - thank goodness.

Earlier this week a mom with boys from Ukraine asked about how we handle lying. We've had A LOT OF LYING in Alex's short time here. Luckily we're finally getting on top of it. He would lie about some of the stupidest things. Most the things he wouldn't even get a consequence for? (He told me this week that he didn't learn how to lie in the orphanage - they just did it to stay out of trouble. Let me tell you, that trait is VERY ingrained in these little souls - even when they won't get in trouble!)
Here's an example:
"Is your reading done?" "Yes." but of course it wasn't. So then he'd have to read AND have a consequence for lying. Whereas if he had just told the truth the worst thing that would happen is he would have to read. Good grief.

I found a very interesting article with a theory of why some adopted children lie:
Lying is a way of saying, "You can't know me. I'm not going to tell you the truth about who I am because if I do, I've let you in. I will live in a world I can control because I'm the one in charge of what's true and false." Children will even lie about crazy things ... like denying they took a whole roll of toilet paper and attempted to flush it down the toilet when the evidence is right there.

Thank goodness we've finally put lying behind us. It's been a LONG road to get here. Sure, we have issues every once in awhile but for the most part - he's very truthful. He just confessed yesterday as to why he's getting a N in citizenship in Choir - for throwing an eraser. He seems to get in trouble for the dumbest things, tapping on his desk, making weird sounds when he should be quiet? This article went on to talk a little about Attention Deficit Disorder and there were two category's that certainly apply to Alex and gave me pause to think:

Disorganization - Children with ADD have neurological difficulty filtering, sorting and prioritizing all the stimuli and information that bombards them each day. You'll see this difficulty in disorganized behavior, a disorganized room, a disorganized backpack, and so on.

Impulse Control - Have you ever had the impulse to push someone in front of you who wasn't moving fast enough? I have, but I can control that impulse and not act on it. Children with ADD often can't. When they get the impulse to push, they push. When they have the impulse to touch, they touch. And when they have the impulse to break something, they do it.

Alex is the  most disorganized little soul I know. His drawers, closets, locker, backpack are just a mess. I think we clean out his room every other month and yet in two months time, we're back to were we started. And that impulse control? That would explain the dumb things he gets in trouble for at school. I'm not sure he's to the level that need medication or intervention but it's certainly something to keep my eye on. 

I asked Alex what it was for him that helped him stop lying. He thinks he just did it on his own. Yeah. Right. Then he came up with "I stopped lying so you would stop talking to me about it." Ha! I knew I had something to do with it!! I think it had everything to do with my bazillion talks/lectures/rants/roll plays. At one point I even told him I was going to join him and be a liar too. That he better not count on me to pick him up or do what I tell him I will because I might be lying. That lying boys should have lying mothers. I also think it's because he is such a terrible liar. He ALWAYS got caught. Who knows what did it but he really is doing better. He struggles - he might START a lie and then catch himself and come clean and of course his first response is "I don't know." when it comes to ANYTHING but if I persist, the truth - ugly as it may be - comes out. And usually it's not that ugly - mostly stupid. 

Anyway, we're "laboring" here daily to learn English and life skills but like our car - we're not having any babies anytime soon! 

Pictures of Me

I read a article last week that has changed my perception about my blogging/scrapbook. 

You see, I really hate having pictures of me on this blog. 

And the older I get, the less I like 'em. 

The most bearable pictures consist of me wearing sunglasses - then no one can see the scrunchy wrinkles around my eyes. That or some sort of crazy costume?

I also like to crop out my body and lately I've tried for some really artsy/abstract shots - like super close of my eye or the backside of my head.....but it didn't really work.

Anyway, after reading this article, I made a resolve to put more pictures of myself on my blog - to actually show up in the lives of my children. 

Fast forward to yesterday. I got this idea.....

I've decided to make Alex a "baby" book. I'm going to go back and print out all the entries about him during the hosting period, the waiting period and the adoption. It's the only option I have for his "baby" book. Besides, it is about his "birth" into our family.

This was brought on because a family who hosted two years ago is going to Ukraine this week to complete a long awaited adoption. She had mentioned how excited her new daughter-to-be was when she heard they were finally on their way. It made me take a stroll through blog-memory-lane and find the post where we called Alex to tell him we were coming. I had to scroll through a few entries before I could find the exact one and while I did I was reminded how hard I worked to get him, how excited I was, how worried I was,  how many prayers I said and how many miracles happened to get him here. Then I realized that he has no idea. And that he deserves to know his story.  That maybe he would feel a great sense of self worth realizing how hard we worked, worried and prayed to get him home? 

I am hoping he'll see just how much we love him and wanted him and how Heavenly Father moved mountains to get him here.

So, I started back to the day before we hosted - when I introduced him on my blog. 

You can read about it here - if you want.  

(All the entries are labeled "Alex's book" - I am only through the hosting period right now.)

So, as I am re-reading and trying to catch grammar and typo's and then labeling each post I want to include in his book, I realized that once again, all though it is all my words and thoughts that make up this blog, pictures of me are far and few between. I know there are many during the actual adoption process but not too many during the hosting and I remember taking a ton of photo's - not just of me but of everyone. However, I didn't post that many (connections were slower on my PC four years ago too so maybe that is why?)  so, I dug out the simple drive containing old photo's and started adding them to my blog. 

My goodness my kiddo's were little four years ago. Kambree was just barely 16, Austin 14, Devree 12, Alex 10 and my baby Ry - still had baby chubby cheeks -  was 8. 

We've all changed and I look at those pictures of me and think - dang! I look so much younger! Why in the world didn't I publish these? 

That's the beauty of a blog, I guess? I was able to go back and add pictures - of everyone - and clarify a few stories/situations and give proof in pictures that I was a part of this adventure.

I love seeing photo's of my mom when I was little. How she dressed and how similar we look at the same ages. I wouldn't say my mom's super photogenic - like me - but she's my mom and I love her and I need to swallow my vain pride and post pictures so that my kids know not only how I looked - scrunchy wrinkles and, but that I was there!

So be warned.....

No Screen Update

We're surviving.

Maybe better than surviving.

Alex has been a trooper and raised his D to an A- in science. And after a little lesson about kindness and communication, he's really trying harder.

Here's what happened.

Alex always reminds me after nine pm and when it's time for reading that he needs to go to the library for a book. He doesn't really remind, he just complains so last Thursday I thought he'd be happy that I remembered and made plans to take him to the library after we dropped Rylee of to dance. He rolled his eyes and groaned. (Apparently the need to go to the library only surfaces when he knows the library is closed?) 

We drop off Rylee and he's deathly silent in the car. I try to make conversation but when it's met with one word grunted responses, it's hard to keep it up.

I notice a friend in the car next to us at the intersection. I point the girl out to Alex who rolls down the window and makes friendly chit-chat with this girl and smiles and laughs and when we proceed to go, he rolls up the window and again - silence.

Ok. I'm just a mom - not a cute 8th grade girl - I get that.

We get to the library and I attempt to help him find a book of interest but everything I pull out he immediately dismisses without even reading the title.  "No." I give up, put my books back, he grabs ONE (I always get a few to give him options) and we proceed to check out. We're using the self check out and my library card is older than the example and I put my card in as directed but the bar code is too low on the card and it doesn't work. Alex rolls his eyes and acts totally embarrassed that this klutz of a mother doesn't know how to operate the library check out?

I finally get us checked out and I am just ticked. 

I say nothing in the car.

We sit in complete silence all the way home.

He goes to his room and gets ready for bed and reads. 

I continue to say nothing. My thought is that I am going to put as much into this relationship as he does and treat him how he treats me.

He comes in when Rylee gets home and sees that we're watching Downton Abby (a lovely English Masterpiece Theater show) grunts his disinterest and puts himself to bed. No goodnight. Nothing. (Normally he hugs me multiple times before bed each night. Always kissing me on the cheek but he knows I'm ticked and I am bound and determined to let him be the one to extend the olive branch.) 

The next day I am cordial but not warm and only answer direct questions. 

After school he thinks all is back to normal. 

He informs me that he's going to go down and mow my parents lawn.

"Nope."

Why?

"Figure it out Alex."

He starts his laundry.

He goes to go again. 

Same thing.

He does his job.
(For some reason the rest of my post didn't publish so here is the continuation, 10/15/12)
But comes in and tells me how sorry he is for not liking my books and for being rude when we were checking out the library books.
(At least he knows something is wrong?)
But I just let him have it. I tell him how tired I am of him hurting my feelings - not just at the library but all the time. How it hurts my feelings he won't talk to me. How hard I try to make conversations and he just shuts them down with one word answers. I tell him, it's not just me but his whole family. How much warmer and kinder he is to his friends then he is to his family.
I tell him I only know one way to be a mom, warm and loving but he's cold and uncaring and from now on I'm going to mother him the same way he treats me.
His eyes welled with tears and he's decided that he wants a warm and loving mom, not a cold and uncaring one and he's going to attempt to be warm and loving too.
And guess what?
It's working!
He's been so much better. It's probably the lack of screens AND the silent treatment/cold fish mom therapy but whatever....I am just so happy to have him trying and talking.
He has really been a joy

Austin Sky Diving

He's been wanting to do this his whole life.

He finally did.

Devree my Zombie Daughter

Devree's drill team did a flash mob at Gardner Village and performed Thriller. 

Veronica & Devree

Later that night they did their hip-hop number to a Thriller remix during the half time at Murray's football game. It was fabulous! 

No screens.....

Wow.
It's not going so great. I think everyone thinks that this is just a "phase" I am going through. Alex just shook his head in disbelief. Rylee out and out cried.
But the more and more I hear and talk about this - I know we are not alone. My friend Christy asked the president of BYU IDAHO what the biggest problem is that he has with his students and he said for the male students it is "skipping class to stay home and game and porn.". Seriously? Gaming is up there and as addictive as porn?  I did a little research this morning and found oodles of sites about internet addiction, video game addiction and technology bombardment.
More fuel to my fire! 
We are bombarded with technology. We can't make it through a dinner or family home evening without someones phone beeping. I think as a society we are losing the art of conversation, losing our ability to look out for others and recognize when our services are needed, losing quiet time - time to reflect and ponder. That was one thing that I enjoyed about my 5.5 hour ride. Yes,  I had headphones on but I wasn't reading or watching with my eyes - I was able to think long and hard about quite a few subjects as I pedaled and pedaled through the farmlands of Brigham City.
I wake up early. I don't get up early but I wake up between 3:30-4:30 am. This is when I do my best thinking. Often times I'm thinking about why am I awake and how to get back to sleep but if I just let my mind go with my thoughts, this is when the Spirit speaks to me. He's had to start waking me up so early because when else can I hear? Like my children, I am immersed in technology. Constantly checking my phone for emails and texts. Granted most my technology time is spent for work but I have become quite the Facebook junkie since working for jetBlue. While working we had trade boards on Facebook that I caroused hourly to find people that I could trade my hours with. Now I just check on my friends all day long. It's a great thing in someways -  but a bad thing too. How many times have I been scrolling through Facebook when I should have been talking with my kids? I also like Pinterest - which too is good and bad. It motivates me to make things, cook, exercise but yet if I'm not careful? I spend hours on it. So this no screens thing? It's going to be good for me too. (Which is a bit hypocritical as I sit in front of a screen typing.) My no screens will be when my children are home - besides work of course.

So here's the rules:

#1 NO SMART PHONES/ITOUCHES/TABLETS UNTIL GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL
Lucky for us, Alex lost his iTouch a few weeks ago. Austin, James and I have an iPhone. And since Austin didn't buy his own until he was 18, I am thinking that's the way it's going to be with everyone else - although I know Alex was saving up for one. (For the phone and a years worth of service because I told him he'd have to pay an extra $20 a month like Austin for his smart phone. I had to nix his dream of iPhone own-age. It sounds fair since no one else had one until age18. Right?) So, kids will just have dumb phones. But all phones are turned in at quiet time - 8:00 pm. This is really only an Alex and Rylee rule since Devree is rarely home and often needs her phone for last minute changes regarding drill the next day. She does turn her phone to silent at ten pm. Kambree and Austin grew up before I got smart enough to figure this out. 
Rylee does have a Kindle Fire. She bought it herself.  Hence the tears. She loves it but she had to admit - after she got control of herself - that she does sometimes does waste too much time on it. This was hard as she's a straight A and honors student. We made a compromise that she can READ ALL SHE WANTS (duh?) but that internet surfing and silly games were to be very limited and certainly not before getting her homework and jobs done. She is going to ask and agree to a time limit before getting on but in all fairness? She really doesn't have the problem that a certain imported brother does. In fact if it weren't for this brother, we probably would not be enacting these rules?

#2 NO TV besides organized family TV time. This one is hardest on Alex. He shuts himself downstairs in the dark and flips through the channels or puts in a movie all the time. It's also hard on Rylee who loves to Hulu entire series like Cake Boss and Wedding Dress shows. The other kids? Too busy for TV. Me? I like the news and I like to flip it on when I'm folding laundry for hours on end - but I'm not just sitting there doing nothing. Yesterday Alex went outside to play after I enforced this rule. He went to a friends - who wasn't home, then came home and played with the new slingshot he bought. Both he and Austin were running around shooting things.  Not sure what? Not sure I want to know but hurray for me! I unplugged the antenna - no easy feat on the big screen - but I'm not sure how to police the movies. I am hoping for compliance rather than preventative measures.

#3 No GAMING this ONLY hurts Alex. And unlike Austin who will eventually get tired of sitting in the dark gaming and get up and go find friends or skateboard, Alex will do it  FOR.EV.ER. Austin sold his Xbox months ago and has not looked back. Woot! Alex still pines for it. I am not the least bit sad about this rule. Nope. No gaming on computers, the Wii or phones. (Luckily the DS gaming systems are dead.)  I've put a code on the MAC and the PC and removed some necessary Wii items to make it work. The kids can Wii if they have two or more siblings willing to play together AND they've checking in with everything else complete. I'll give them a time limit and that's it. Wii really isn't the problem. We don't have any violent Wii games - they were with the XBox and the Xbox is no more. Most the recent gaming issues were on my MAC and that is now a non issue. This is where we're going to have the most withdrawals and gnashing of teeth.

#4 LIMITED COMPUTER USE this is more for social media. I don't mind if the kids check Facebook and emails or put new songs on their iPods for a few minutes each day. It's the crappy YouTube, Iwastesomuchtime.com and other  silliness that is going! This will be hardest on Devree and Rylee. Alex of course gets sucked into it when it's on but he rarely surfs for it. The code on the MAC prevents this from happening and it brings such peace to our home. (I have always had a code on the MAC but in time they usually figure it out and then I just get lazy about changing it.  My bad. Now I'm back in the game.) Sure they can do homework. Sure they can look for free sheet music for the piano. But like social media sites - they'll check in with me and I'll log them in and we will set some time limits.

Oy! How I wish we didn't have these issues but I don't want to lose my children to technology. I don't want them to come home divorced over not paying attention to their spouse over their gaming system. I don't want them fired because they can't stop texting or surfing the Internet. I don't want them dropping out of school becasue they sluff class to game in their dorm or apartment. I don't want Alex to continue to remain unfocused and unmotivated and uncommunicative. I don't want Rylee to only quote funny lines from YouTube videos. I want my children to be happy, successful and charismatic people that look up and around when walking through life - not heads in their laps, eyes on their devices, thumbs going like sixty.


Here's just a little of my research and reasoning:

Here's a great article

And a few other snippets:

According to this recent education news report, Professor Larry Rosen of California State and author of “iDisorder: Understanding Our Obsession with Technology and Overcoming its Hold on Us,” reveals the harm that too much television — and other digital screens — can cause harm to kids growing up over time. He notes, “These devices have an almost obsessive pull towards them ... There’s certainly no other toy that can compare with the screen, video, and interactivity of a high-definition screen.”Yet letting a bit of technology do all of a child’s thinking for him or her can slow down their own thinking skills little by little over time, the study reports.

In the IAD (Internet Addiction Disorder) -diagnosed teenagers, the scientists found evidence of disruption to 'white matter' nerve fibres connecting vital parts of the brain involved in emotions, decision making, and self-control.

"Extended periods of time using computers or screen-based entertainment does increase short-sightedness," Mr Foresto said.
"It's important to limit your screen use to less than an hour and spend adequate time outdoors."


And you really need to see this video (click on this sentence.)

Wish me luck! We're going to be going through withdrawals.....

Brain Paths....who knew?

After the responses on my last post, James and I did a lot of talking.

We've been so frustrated.

You would think after almost 3.5 years that Alex would be getting it? We were feeling exhausted. We seem to spend all our time discussing or working with Alex. He monopolized us. Be it math homework, reminders to brush his teeth, wear his retainer, do the basics or reprimands for the many, many things he just can't seem to remember like sitting in front of a screen before homework or jobs, doing a crappy, half finished chore, or forging ahead without instruction and making things worse - like attempting to repair his bike.

We were just exasperated! 

Really.

When is he going to "get it"?

And when are we going to have some semblance of "normal"?

After an enlightening response (see earlier post) and a lot of talking back and forth James and I had a "light bulb" go off so to speak and we did a lot of piecing together Alex's past and his opportunities for learning and growing in comparison to our biological children.

When our biological kids were little - although we are far from perfect parents - they were surrounded in safety and love. Their main concern was to have fun and learn and they usually did both at the same time. They were learning numbers and colors in a fun loving pre-school, watching PBS cuddled up in blankets on mom's bed eating goldfish crackers, held on my lap while we read stories over and over and always asking questions. "Why can't I...? Why does...? What if..."

They were learning how to make friends and be a friend with the supervision of loving parents (be it us or their friends parents) that oversaw them in their play and stopped and explained why certain behaviors were not okay and showed them how to be kind, share, and say sorry. 

When our bio kids got hurt or sick - there was someone there to kiss it better, bandage it up, take them to the doctors,  buy their medicine, hold their fevered bodies, rock them, and hold their Sprite with the bendy straw up to their mouth.

If they were grumpy, or tired or just "going through a phase" we still loved them - we didn't always like them - but we always loved them and we would give time out's, put them down for naps or just tolerate them until they figured out their "phase". 

We went on vacations, had holidays, went camping and celebrated milestones.

We potty trained, taught them to tie shoes, write their name, read, add, subtract, multiplication tables.

They played on soccer teams, went to dance class, tried karate, took swimming lessons, played basketball, performed in plays, attended scouts - and we were there cheering and coaching on the sidelines. Carpooling and providing treats, buying bigger cleats, ballet shoes and new basketballs.

They were safe.
They were loved.

And all they had to focus on was learning. Not only scholastic stuff but social skills, emotional skills, coping skills, friendship skills, communication skills and the list goes on.

 "When you initially learn something the pathway or connection is weak. The more frequently you think a particular thought the stronger the pathway becomes, forming an automatic habit of thinking. We call this brain training."*

We didn't know it but we were "brain training" our kids from an early age. 

 Our bio kids never went hungry, never worried about where they would sleep, if they would be warm, when they'd eat again, if they would get beat up by bigger kids or a drunk parent. We didn't force them to shoplift or let them sleep at random places where we may or may not be.

Alex did.

His first eleven years were spent consumed with surviving because truthfully his home life before the orphanage was just as traumatic if not worse than the orphanage. (Maybe worse  because he was with the one person that was suppose to have unconditional love for him and take care of him and she didn't. His birth mother.) Survival must have consumed his thinking once his father died at age four. (From what we can gather, birth dad was kind and protected Alex from a not so kind birth mother.) 

Instead of imagination play, learning colors and numbers, play dates, preschool classes, and snuggling up on a mama's lap to read books his life consisted of worrying about surviving.  What will he eat? Who will feed him? Where will he sleep? Will she be drunk? Will he get hit?  

He had very little "brain training" of the basics. There was not time for that. He just needed to focus on surviving. 

Then when he transitioned to the orphanage where he had multiple caregivers that didn't always care. If he got hurt or sick he was hauled off to a hospital for weeks on end. He had to worry about  how he'd protect his six year old self from the older boys in the orphanage? Follow the rules to exactness in order to be fed, clothed and bathed. Washed his assigned outfit in a sink while he wore the other one, sleep in a room full of little boys with the same need for survival that coped by rocking back and forth and sucking their thumbs and fingers. Many were not toilet trained.

This was his life until we adopted him when he was almost eleven years old.

And you would think all was well....right? 

Now he has a loving home with regular meals, a private room, a brother and sisters, opportunities he'd never had, parents that love him, look out for him and want what's best for him. 

But what about his lack of "brain training" and now let's add a new language to his life. 

And now instead of survival  - his first year of life with us - he is focused on learning a new language. He doesn't understand our humor, our sayings, idioms, expressions. Are we laughing at him? What is it we're asking him to do? And as he learns one language he loses the other. Meanwhile he gets farther and farther behind in his peers in every way and he was behind with to start. 

And now after 3.5 years he can communicate - except he's lacking communication skills - but he's socially, emotionally and scholastically years and years behind his peers. Add to the mix, this new mom and dad who have worked so hard to get him here and to this point are utterly exhausted and losing patience daily.

That's where we were when I wrote that post a few days ago. 

We were spent.

And we didn't have the insight and compassion for his past. We knew nothing about "brain training" (and we still know very little). We just knew we had given him so much, and worked so hard and yet, he seemed to be making little progress. 

Let's talk about brain training for a little bit.

And keep in mind this is all new to me and I have a lot to learn but...

You know how when you first learn to ride a bike? And it's super scary but then you figure out how to balance and pedal and steer and you finally get it?  Eventually you are able to get on your bike and ride without thinking. You're operating on automatic. A strong brain pathway has been created as though new brain software has been uploaded and is seamlessly operating in your mind.

Your brain works the same way in forming how you think about yourself. As a child your thoughts about yourself are formed from the messages you’ve heard and believed from important and influential people in your life.These beliefs are what we call your dominant thought pattern. They operate on automatic, like a habit, and are the thoughts that trigger, consciously or unconsciously your feelings and reactions to the circumstances of your life.*

 

 That explains so much.

We were expecting 3.5 years (2.5 really when you consider it took at least a year to be able to basically communicate in English) to make up for years and years of neglect, trauma, and unlearned social, emotional, and scholastic skills. And that we could undo all his bad brain training simply by loving him and providing him a safe environment?

What were we thinking? 

So,  now we're regrouping.

As we sat everyone down to talk to them about this (Alex and siblings) we felt it was important that everyone know this isn't Alex's fault. That we love him and we're going to love him through this. We're going to be patient and let him learn the things he missed - even if that is uncomfortable for us and for him. 

That we're going to work on retraining his brain's pathways to remember the basics. Like brushing his teeth, wearing his retainer, adding, subtracting.

We're not experts.

We don't have all the answers but we have love. And we're going to pray for patience and for Alex to find success in small things so he can move on to bigger things. 

And he may never find a hobby or an interest or stick with anything for long because he's still learning what he likes, who he is and what he wants.
We are also doing away with electronics. Besides family screen time (movies/tv together as a family) Alex will have no screens.  Zero. Zip. No smart phones, tablets, video games, iTouches, computer games.  Another parent with Ukraine imports had this to say:
 It is my experience that the electronics are horrible for these children, even more so than our other children. These children have been wired to be numb, and it seems that the games just put them back in that zone. I know it seems radical, but I have gotten rid of our games and introduced our children to books. They HATED it.......at first. Now two are avid readers and our younger one is picking up. I have heard too many mothers say of their natural children, "I lost him to electronics." It's not worth it. Sure it was a fight for me when I threw it in the trash, but it sure has saved the daily fights over those wasted hours. This is my own opinion, but I sure think living in reality ALL the time helps these children overcome their earlier upbringing.

He's not going to like it.
It's going to be HARD!
For all of us.
But that's our plan and we're sticking to it.
And we're not going to throw our hands up in the air in exasperation. 

Nope.

We might want to but we're not going to.

We're going to go over his times tables again and again.

Remind him again and again to brush and wear his retainer.

And all the other many things he can't seem to remember because there is not a pathway developed. 

And we're going to do it with a sweet voice and a kind heart.

And retrain those brain paths to be more dominate than the ones he came with. 

We also know that despite his physical age his emotional age is sometimes like a four year old little boy and when no one is around we  I can sometimes talk this 5' 4", 14 year old boy to let his mama hold him and rock him and tickle his face and make up for those moments he missed. 

Yep. 

That's what we're going to do. 

*Blue italicized parts taken from  

http://www.self-esteem-experts.com/how-the-brain-works.html

A response to your unsettled mother heart

I go the following response from one of our parents after my last post. It was so full of great information, I asked her permission to share it on my blog. Each response I got from my last post gave me comfort, even if it was just to say "We have the same problem and don't know what to do either." but this response gave me hope and renewed determination to keep fighting - not with Alex but for him!

 Well, I am a few more years down the line with this and I can tell you that I have walked the moccasins and I hear your words very clearly.  Part of what you are dealing with is that "out-of-body junior high experience, but also it rings of the reactive attachment issues (these are issues not the full disorder) and are so important to consider.   You are doing so many things right and you  will get through this.  Mainly, he still talks with you and that is huge. I think your sense is right, he is working through a  lot of things and he will continue to do this for many years to come.  Again, a  gift that he can talk about it . So often the social skills have not developed to the same level as their peers and they are behind and not necessarily growing in  that area because they are working on so many other skills, let alone the  junior high thing where everyone is wondering about the peer/friend thing  anyway.  It is better that he does things alone and with the family than with friends who are not good people while his social skills  continue to grow. He will find friends to support him and help him. They will come just hold on.  It can be forced and they can end up with the wrong kind of friends and that can be devastating to  their lives because they do not know how to set boundaries and they are very susceptible to their influence. I heard a statistic once that a  successful outcome in a child's life was 50% genetic and 50% friends. I didn't like that statistic because I wondered where the influence of the mother and father came in.  You do still have a great influence and it should not be underestimated but our  voices do dim in their ears very quickly in the year ahead. His disinterest says  to me that he does not feel skilled,and it is overwhelming to him.  The goal for him just like you sense for him is to have the satisfaction of being responsible for the things he needs to do however so basic even if that  means getting up in the morning getting dressed and brushing his teeth if that  is his plan and he does it himself and he is allowed to execute it that is the start.  It is a tough thing to be patient with because the expectations are growing as he gets older but without  skills he will never be able to meet the increasing demands being placed on him. It makes for a tough situation; to allow them the time to grow and to help him still keeps up with his peers. Consistent schedule is very important for them and then teaching them joy in what they did however so simple empowers them and  that increases the executive skills that they so lack and so need to develop  and with each success slowly it starts coming and lays down those pathways in  the brain.  Also giving service on a regular basis can be a huge thing for them.  To give of themselves teaches them such powerful things and  is so  satisfying no matter how small.   So your job is to keep the schedule  consistent while he gains the skills to govern himself and to be responsible for the things  that he can do no matter how simple.  He makes the goal and executes it. I wish their could be some magic something to  all this.  It is such a day -to -day thing.   It is fine that his interests are scattered just so he recognizes that he does do some things really well and the fact he is exploring is really positive.  I am still so impressed that he will talk to you or other adults.  That says to me that he will be able to talk to those peers when he is ready and the right friend is there.  How to be  a friend is also something to help them learn that it is a two- way relationship. School and C's are huge. I am so proud of him! He IS working twice as hard as the others to keep up because that is what it takes and school would certainly be the  priority over all the other extra curricular activities. There are so many gaps in their knowledge that they have to compensate for. Part of the deficit that they deal with is persistence and you are experiencing it first hand and that is the skill to be developed by doing  the basics since it was skipped in his early years.  I have had children who  have been totally gifted and played at the highest level of their sport, and in this case soccer.  He was  captain of the team, representing his home team and school at all levels of play. Doing the sports and extracurricular does not always transfer or become"generalized or transferred and applied to the daily life type of activities.  They can help, keeps them out of trouble, but not always and in some ways can become a diversion to  the most important things.   So keep it simple.  If they have talents then of course help them develop their talents.  This  is from the mother who did music and sports and thought it was so very important, but I have found not as  important as the other skills that he needs to be forming right now.   Music, I  learned the other day in a conference, is the only thing that works on all parts of the brain under scan.  I think this is  significant and I am going to follow up on this more.  The electronics can be a great motivator in all  this but of course it has to be controlled.  All electronics off by 9:00 p.m. for sure and the amount of time has to be monitored.  Definitely not more than two hours.  More than this it wrecks sleep patterns, which is so critical for them right now to get enough sleep especially as we are trying to make up for brain growth that did not  occur earlier in life.  Start small and work up and let him feel skilled and successful in the attempts that he makes even if they are not consistent and diverse. Maybe brushing his teeth and his personal care is the big one to start with then add the other things he needs to do.  Without developing these basic skills now, when he grows older he will begin to shut down and school will become too much for him,  and he may already be doing that now.  You do not want to go there if you can avoid it and he may go through it anyway.  Protect him in school if you can.  Compensation not only should be given  but also it is required to be given to him by the school.  I know an advocate  for children like ours if you do not get the backing you need.  I learned about it too late for us. Mary Hales is a neuro-psychologist and  has been an excellent source to be able to differentiate between what the child's real potential skills are and what is a result and delay from the early beginnings of  his life She is an amazing clinician but only works part-time as she is a mother herself.  She was one of the few clinicians who could really get passed the language barrier and get some good hard results.   These children will often have big problems in math.  It  is because of those early beginnings, but it can be compensated for.  Again music is a huge thing that can help in many ways.  Have you considered Scouting for him? I think the mentoring of a scout leader and the relationships there could be such a blessing in his life.  It is all about setting goals,building relationships and skills.   We went to Philmont Scout Ranch for  leadership training this summer.  David is on the scout executive committee, and it was amazing to see the leadership that they were giving  to the youth and executive skills, which is so lacking in so many of our  dear children, through those wilderness activities and it was for young people  of ALL abilities.  That is very different than a wilderness program! I also have heard about a program that  Elizabeth Smart started that teaches children how to still be respectful to adults but able to better understand who they are and what they will and will not do or in  other words it helps them understand their boundaries.   It is called RAD kids.  Funny thing to call it since it has such a different meaning to all of us as adoptive parents. I know that the  scouts have taken that program also and have been using it in training for their leaders to help scouts. I will follow  up with that and let you know what I find out.  If young people have a sense  as to who they are and that they have a future, even if they don't know exactly what they want to  grow up to be, and what boundaries they have for themselves it does not matter  how fast all the other stuff falls into place because it is not a race and it will  come and they will be successful.  I promise.  Beside he has you as his mother and it will come.

Kambree at College

September Wrap Up!

Cupcakes by Ry....

James on a Harley at work

This is me, coming home from a ride. I couldn't find my sunglasses before I left. I looked everywhere.  I even asked my girlfriend if she could see them?  Guess what? I rode the whole way with them hanging on my chest. Good grief!

I think our age might be showing with our glasses issue....

Alex as his introductory Karate class. He decided that since he wasn't an instant Jackie Chan, that karate was not for him.

Free donuts at Crispy Cream if you dress like a pirate?

Luckily, I have lot's of pirate swag.....

Me in the mirror. It was a good hair day. Not a good face day. Just a good hair day.

Austin

 Basement Flood - James always misses all the action!

 Devree & her boyfriend, Tyler at the 5K

 Junior High Spirit Week - Crazy Day

 James going in to get his nose fixed. Deviated septum.

 On the way home.....

 Junior High Spirit Week - Decade Day

 And my girls with my phone making self portraits.....

 And where were they?

In church!

Good grief!