A response to your unsettled mother heart

I go the following response from one of our parents after my last post. It was so full of great information, I asked her permission to share it on my blog. Each response I got from my last post gave me comfort, even if it was just to say "We have the same problem and don't know what to do either." but this response gave me hope and renewed determination to keep fighting - not with Alex but for him!

 Well, I am a few more years down the line with this and I can tell you that I have walked the moccasins and I hear your words very clearly.  Part of what you are dealing with is that "out-of-body junior high experience, but also it rings of the reactive attachment issues (these are issues not the full disorder) and are so important to consider.   You are doing so many things right and you  will get through this.  Mainly, he still talks with you and that is huge. I think your sense is right, he is working through a  lot of things and he will continue to do this for many years to come.  Again, a  gift that he can talk about it . So often the social skills have not developed to the same level as their peers and they are behind and not necessarily growing in  that area because they are working on so many other skills, let alone the  junior high thing where everyone is wondering about the peer/friend thing  anyway.  It is better that he does things alone and with the family than with friends who are not good people while his social skills  continue to grow. He will find friends to support him and help him. They will come just hold on.  It can be forced and they can end up with the wrong kind of friends and that can be devastating to  their lives because they do not know how to set boundaries and they are very susceptible to their influence. I heard a statistic once that a  successful outcome in a child's life was 50% genetic and 50% friends. I didn't like that statistic because I wondered where the influence of the mother and father came in.  You do still have a great influence and it should not be underestimated but our  voices do dim in their ears very quickly in the year ahead. His disinterest says  to me that he does not feel skilled,and it is overwhelming to him.  The goal for him just like you sense for him is to have the satisfaction of being responsible for the things he needs to do however so basic even if that  means getting up in the morning getting dressed and brushing his teeth if that  is his plan and he does it himself and he is allowed to execute it that is the start.  It is a tough thing to be patient with because the expectations are growing as he gets older but without  skills he will never be able to meet the increasing demands being placed on him. It makes for a tough situation; to allow them the time to grow and to help him still keeps up with his peers. Consistent schedule is very important for them and then teaching them joy in what they did however so simple empowers them and  that increases the executive skills that they so lack and so need to develop  and with each success slowly it starts coming and lays down those pathways in  the brain.  Also giving service on a regular basis can be a huge thing for them.  To give of themselves teaches them such powerful things and  is so  satisfying no matter how small.   So your job is to keep the schedule  consistent while he gains the skills to govern himself and to be responsible for the things  that he can do no matter how simple.  He makes the goal and executes it. I wish their could be some magic something to  all this.  It is such a day -to -day thing.   It is fine that his interests are scattered just so he recognizes that he does do some things really well and the fact he is exploring is really positive.  I am still so impressed that he will talk to you or other adults.  That says to me that he will be able to talk to those peers when he is ready and the right friend is there.  How to be  a friend is also something to help them learn that it is a two- way relationship. School and C's are huge. I am so proud of him! He IS working twice as hard as the others to keep up because that is what it takes and school would certainly be the  priority over all the other extra curricular activities. There are so many gaps in their knowledge that they have to compensate for. Part of the deficit that they deal with is persistence and you are experiencing it first hand and that is the skill to be developed by doing  the basics since it was skipped in his early years.  I have had children who  have been totally gifted and played at the highest level of their sport, and in this case soccer.  He was  captain of the team, representing his home team and school at all levels of play. Doing the sports and extracurricular does not always transfer or become"generalized or transferred and applied to the daily life type of activities.  They can help, keeps them out of trouble, but not always and in some ways can become a diversion to  the most important things.   So keep it simple.  If they have talents then of course help them develop their talents.  This  is from the mother who did music and sports and thought it was so very important, but I have found not as  important as the other skills that he needs to be forming right now.   Music, I  learned the other day in a conference, is the only thing that works on all parts of the brain under scan.  I think this is  significant and I am going to follow up on this more.  The electronics can be a great motivator in all  this but of course it has to be controlled.  All electronics off by 9:00 p.m. for sure and the amount of time has to be monitored.  Definitely not more than two hours.  More than this it wrecks sleep patterns, which is so critical for them right now to get enough sleep especially as we are trying to make up for brain growth that did not  occur earlier in life.  Start small and work up and let him feel skilled and successful in the attempts that he makes even if they are not consistent and diverse. Maybe brushing his teeth and his personal care is the big one to start with then add the other things he needs to do.  Without developing these basic skills now, when he grows older he will begin to shut down and school will become too much for him,  and he may already be doing that now.  You do not want to go there if you can avoid it and he may go through it anyway.  Protect him in school if you can.  Compensation not only should be given  but also it is required to be given to him by the school.  I know an advocate  for children like ours if you do not get the backing you need.  I learned about it too late for us. Mary Hales is a neuro-psychologist and  has been an excellent source to be able to differentiate between what the child's real potential skills are and what is a result and delay from the early beginnings of  his life She is an amazing clinician but only works part-time as she is a mother herself.  She was one of the few clinicians who could really get passed the language barrier and get some good hard results.   These children will often have big problems in math.  It  is because of those early beginnings, but it can be compensated for.  Again music is a huge thing that can help in many ways.  Have you considered Scouting for him? I think the mentoring of a scout leader and the relationships there could be such a blessing in his life.  It is all about setting goals,building relationships and skills.   We went to Philmont Scout Ranch for  leadership training this summer.  David is on the scout executive committee, and it was amazing to see the leadership that they were giving  to the youth and executive skills, which is so lacking in so many of our  dear children, through those wilderness activities and it was for young people  of ALL abilities.  That is very different than a wilderness program! I also have heard about a program that  Elizabeth Smart started that teaches children how to still be respectful to adults but able to better understand who they are and what they will and will not do or in  other words it helps them understand their boundaries.   It is called RAD kids.  Funny thing to call it since it has such a different meaning to all of us as adoptive parents. I know that the  scouts have taken that program also and have been using it in training for their leaders to help scouts. I will follow  up with that and let you know what I find out.  If young people have a sense  as to who they are and that they have a future, even if they don't know exactly what they want to  grow up to be, and what boundaries they have for themselves it does not matter  how fast all the other stuff falls into place because it is not a race and it will  come and they will be successful.  I promise.  Beside he has you as his mother and it will come.