What a rough day Alex has had. It started off pretty good, he always gets up and does his job and gets dressed and today he even combed his hair on his own accord. He made his bed especially nice (yesterday we had bed making 101 for the 10th time) and asked me to go look at it-which I did and I complemented him highly. Then I asked the question I ask every morning. "Did you brush your teeth?" "No." (This after our hour long talk yesterday about just obeying the basics??) I didn't make a big deal, I just let it go and he went and brushed his teeth.
Then less than 20 minutes later he's sitting with his shoes on the couch watching TV-for the 50th time! I gently remind him for the 51st time to take his shoes off the couch. (He could just not wear his shoes and have his feet on the couch but he can't get that idea in his head.)
Now, remember how I swore I wouldn't remind him about his hour of English studying? Well.... he didn't seem to be remembering our talk at all so I dropped some major hints, like:
"Alex is there anything you want me to do for you right now?"
"No."
Ten minutes later:
"Alex, is there anything you should be doing right now?"
"No."
And finally....
"Remember our big talk yesterday? Is there anything you should be asking me."
Long pause and then a mumbled quiet voice:
"English?"
"What? I'm sorry what? Did you mean to say Mom, please help me with my English?"
He refuses to look up and mumbles to the ground but I get it out of him more or less and I set up the computer for him. He proceeds to watch TV some more. I was leaving for the grocery store so I told Rylee (in front of Alex):
"If Alex doesn't start his English soon, feel free to continue playing your Webkins, Alex can just go to bed at eight o'clock."
This got him off the couch and on to the computer in a hurry. Tomorrow, I'm not saying ANYTHING, he can go to bed at eight o'clock!!
Later in the day I walk into the kitchen only to catch him in the fridge eating grapes. Again. He's managed to eat the whole bag pretty much in two days. When he sees me of course he asks with his mouth full of grapes if he can have some. I remind him to ask BEFORE he eats-not to mention he's eating in front of his cousin's and just a half hour before dinner. (Yes, this is something we talked about in our hour long talk yesterday, just like teeth brushing and shoes on the couch!)
Then right before dinner he's playing DS with his shoes once again on the couch. (He sits with his knees up to his chest spread eagle-with his shoes digging into the couch-it's very unappealing but it's the shoes on the couch that get me the most.) This time I tell him that he's lost his privilege of sitting on furniture for the rest of the day. He moves to the hardwood floor and later eats his dinner standing up. He's pretty much sulking and quiet now and disappears for awhile after dinner. I find him up in the tree in the front yard. He comes in and sits on the floor in front of the TV and then begins to sigh and groan as he tries to get comfortable on the floor. I kneel down beside him and told him how I hope he can remember to keep his shoes off the couch tomorrow so he can sit on the furniture and ask if he's mad? "No." I ask if he's disappointed that he can't remember the rules and he says "Yes."
At 8:30 I send him up to take a bath-which he begrudgingly does and then it's time for reading, he and Rylee both put up a fuss and stomp upstairs but they do their reading.
I"m thinking they need a little fun so I take the UNO cards up to play with them for twenty minutes before bed and we play one round and Alex wins. Then we proceed to teach him Spaz-a silly game where if you have two of one color of card thrown down in a row you make a hand movement. It's very simple and easy to play and we have a practice round to give him a chance to learn and we all laugh at how silly it is. Then we start playing for real and in just a few mintues it's apparent he's losing. His eye's well up with tears and then he loses it. It's time for bed anyway and I take his cards and tell him to go to bed and he storms off and throws himself on his bed and sobs....over the silly card game. (Give me strength!)
Once again I sit down and hold him and talk to him. This time I talk to him about being a good loser and how you can't win everything and that no one will want to play with him or be his friend if he acts like this. We talk about him acting more like an eleven year old and less like a baby. He cries intermittently throughout our talk. I ask if he cried at school and what the teachers would do, he tells me some story about how he was either helping in the kitchen and the teacher didn't know where he was or he was suppose to be helping in the kitchen anyway, the teacher told him he couldn't have any Christmas presents, which was candy and he cried. He said he was seven. Not exactly what I was looking for. I asked if he cried when he lost games at school and he said yes and that the teachers would laugh at him. I explained that he doesn't have to be the best or win for me or Dad to love him. We love him no matter what. That he'll never go back to the orphanage and he'll always be a apart of our family. (I really think he's got it in his head he has to be the best and prove himself.) I told him I didn't adopt him because I thought he'd be the best and always win but because I love him and if he never makes a goal or wins a game, I'll still love him. He cries more.
Then we talked about being a good sport winning and losing. I talked with him about school and how he might have a hard day sometimes and we came up with a secret sign that means, he's had a bad/rough/hard day and when I see it, I'll know he needs to be held in a big a hug and a minute to cry into my shoulder. I'm hoping this is a good option to tears and frustration at school, to know he has a safe place to let it out.
Then he told me he did not want to say prayers because he says the same things everyday. So, we talked about being thankful for our blessings and all the things Heavenly Father can help him with including understanding English, not crying when he loses and remembering to keep his shoes off the couch. He agreed to pray and said a few words with a quick amen. I then helped him pray for all the things he needs help with including to know how much I love him. Then tucked him in to bed!
Good gravy that's hour long talk number two, two days in a row! Did he even understand any of it?? I guess time will tell.
Then less than 20 minutes later he's sitting with his shoes on the couch watching TV-for the 50th time! I gently remind him for the 51st time to take his shoes off the couch. (He could just not wear his shoes and have his feet on the couch but he can't get that idea in his head.)
Now, remember how I swore I wouldn't remind him about his hour of English studying? Well.... he didn't seem to be remembering our talk at all so I dropped some major hints, like:
"Alex is there anything you want me to do for you right now?"
"No."
Ten minutes later:
"Alex, is there anything you should be doing right now?"
"No."
And finally....
"Remember our big talk yesterday? Is there anything you should be asking me."
Long pause and then a mumbled quiet voice:
"English?"
"What? I'm sorry what? Did you mean to say Mom, please help me with my English?"
He refuses to look up and mumbles to the ground but I get it out of him more or less and I set up the computer for him. He proceeds to watch TV some more. I was leaving for the grocery store so I told Rylee (in front of Alex):
"If Alex doesn't start his English soon, feel free to continue playing your Webkins, Alex can just go to bed at eight o'clock."
This got him off the couch and on to the computer in a hurry. Tomorrow, I'm not saying ANYTHING, he can go to bed at eight o'clock!!
Later in the day I walk into the kitchen only to catch him in the fridge eating grapes. Again. He's managed to eat the whole bag pretty much in two days. When he sees me of course he asks with his mouth full of grapes if he can have some. I remind him to ask BEFORE he eats-not to mention he's eating in front of his cousin's and just a half hour before dinner. (Yes, this is something we talked about in our hour long talk yesterday, just like teeth brushing and shoes on the couch!)
Then right before dinner he's playing DS with his shoes once again on the couch. (He sits with his knees up to his chest spread eagle-with his shoes digging into the couch-it's very unappealing but it's the shoes on the couch that get me the most.) This time I tell him that he's lost his privilege of sitting on furniture for the rest of the day. He moves to the hardwood floor and later eats his dinner standing up. He's pretty much sulking and quiet now and disappears for awhile after dinner. I find him up in the tree in the front yard. He comes in and sits on the floor in front of the TV and then begins to sigh and groan as he tries to get comfortable on the floor. I kneel down beside him and told him how I hope he can remember to keep his shoes off the couch tomorrow so he can sit on the furniture and ask if he's mad? "No." I ask if he's disappointed that he can't remember the rules and he says "Yes."
At 8:30 I send him up to take a bath-which he begrudgingly does and then it's time for reading, he and Rylee both put up a fuss and stomp upstairs but they do their reading.
I"m thinking they need a little fun so I take the UNO cards up to play with them for twenty minutes before bed and we play one round and Alex wins. Then we proceed to teach him Spaz-a silly game where if you have two of one color of card thrown down in a row you make a hand movement. It's very simple and easy to play and we have a practice round to give him a chance to learn and we all laugh at how silly it is. Then we start playing for real and in just a few mintues it's apparent he's losing. His eye's well up with tears and then he loses it. It's time for bed anyway and I take his cards and tell him to go to bed and he storms off and throws himself on his bed and sobs....over the silly card game. (Give me strength!)
Once again I sit down and hold him and talk to him. This time I talk to him about being a good loser and how you can't win everything and that no one will want to play with him or be his friend if he acts like this. We talk about him acting more like an eleven year old and less like a baby. He cries intermittently throughout our talk. I ask if he cried at school and what the teachers would do, he tells me some story about how he was either helping in the kitchen and the teacher didn't know where he was or he was suppose to be helping in the kitchen anyway, the teacher told him he couldn't have any Christmas presents, which was candy and he cried. He said he was seven. Not exactly what I was looking for. I asked if he cried when he lost games at school and he said yes and that the teachers would laugh at him. I explained that he doesn't have to be the best or win for me or Dad to love him. We love him no matter what. That he'll never go back to the orphanage and he'll always be a apart of our family. (I really think he's got it in his head he has to be the best and prove himself.) I told him I didn't adopt him because I thought he'd be the best and always win but because I love him and if he never makes a goal or wins a game, I'll still love him. He cries more.
Then we talked about being a good sport winning and losing. I talked with him about school and how he might have a hard day sometimes and we came up with a secret sign that means, he's had a bad/rough/hard day and when I see it, I'll know he needs to be held in a big a hug and a minute to cry into my shoulder. I'm hoping this is a good option to tears and frustration at school, to know he has a safe place to let it out.
Then he told me he did not want to say prayers because he says the same things everyday. So, we talked about being thankful for our blessings and all the things Heavenly Father can help him with including understanding English, not crying when he loses and remembering to keep his shoes off the couch. He agreed to pray and said a few words with a quick amen. I then helped him pray for all the things he needs help with including to know how much I love him. Then tucked him in to bed!
Good gravy that's hour long talk number two, two days in a row! Did he even understand any of it?? I guess time will tell.
6 of my blog friends said something...:
I'm sorry Alex had a bad day! but remember you and james are real good and awesome parents and do a real wonderful job!
You are doing a great job, I can't imagine the difficulty for you or Alex. Hopefully he has a better day and therefore you too.
This WAS GREAT ON HOW YOU WROTE ALL OF THIS... You are so sweet and patient, I am back on track on the blog as many things has been happening on my end of the world...if only I could hold on to my children and give them more hugs as I loved them so much....They are now all grown and I am thankful for my children for their kindness towards me as their mother....
Hmmm....how to put it? Bluntly, I guess. From one who's BTDT and is still doing it, this all sounds not like just a random "bad day", but rather a whole lot more like attachment based stuff (and by that I mean a manifestation of insecure attachment.) Believe it or not, that's even down to the wanting to please you by doing his bed right, etc. Even if there is bonding happening, which there no doubt is, don't be fooled into believeing that his attachment is secure yet. After all, you've only known each other a short time.
This whole transistion thing is incredibly difficult for Alex, and I believe it is far more difficult than we as parents realize. too. Right now, though, you have a double whammie with the the looming start of school, which tends to throw especially hurt kids, for a big loop. Qhite honestly, my kids are way more freaked out by the start of school right now than they are about moving.
So, what to do about it? First and foremost, make his world very, very small for the next several days. Stay home as much as possible - don't even take him to the store if you don't absolutely have to. Significantly limit friends, visitors, sports, and other outings and keep him near you as much as possible. If you're cooking dinner, he's in the kitchen. If you're working on the computer, he's sitting on the floor right beside you doing a quiet activity. He may weap and wail and spout out all sorts of drama for a little while (a HUGE red flag of insecure attachment by the way) but it really is what he needs to reset those neuro pathways and get him back on track.
If you haven't already done so, I also strongly encourage you to read some of the therapeutic parenting books out there. That isn't to say you're not doing it right or that you're a bad mom. Oh, contrair and far from it! What it does mean, though, is that effectively parenting post-institutionalized hurt/traumatized children is VERY different than parenting bio children who have been with your family since birth and have no history of abandonment, abuse, neglect, deprivation, alcohol exposure, or whatever else our kids endured that we don't know about - and can't even begin to wrap our heads around.
My favorite is the Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control series. There are two books. The first offers a basis for understanding why hurt kids do what they do. The second builds on it, has a lot of practical solutions for changing things, and is an easier read. Both have good stuff in them. I highly recommend both.
And finally, if I were a betting woman, I'd bet the farm I don't have that Alex is still faking a LOT of comprehension. He might have you fooled into believing that he understands most everything you say, but in reality, he probably only truly understands about 25% - or less. As for the other 75%, well, you might as well be Charlie Brown's teacher. He's just taking what he does understand and is guessing at the meaning of what else you're saying based on context and visual cues. We've recently realized that our kids who have been home over two years now are still faking it. This year I am insisting that they test my son for ESL services. He's never had them, but it's pretty clear he still needs them.
To wrap things up, though, you are right about wondering if all the talks are doing any good and if he's really understanding them. The answer is yes and no. Are the talks going to change his behavior? No. Does he even really understand them? Probably not. Are they worth it? YOU BET! You are setting a strong precident of keeping the lines of communication open. You're also teaching him that he can use words to express what's on his mind - and that is the most important reason to keep doing it. So, when you have that 52nd - and then 65th talk about no shoes on the couch, remember that God himself uses repetition and more repeptition to teach us the most significant and most eternally important lessons He has to offer. :-)
Hang in there. The journey isn't easy, but it is worth it.
Hang in there! We're dealing many of Nastia's own fits and we are slowly making progress. I'm trying to figure out what it is these kids need that we are missing. I'll let you know if I have any new insights. We can make it together!
I read this a few days ago and have thought about you no less than 10 times since. Want to know when I've thought of you? When my kids are annoying me and I've thought, 'Why can't I be a mom like Wendy? - she's so good at this'. Hang in there.
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