For My Friends In Ukraine & Those On The Way

 We have three families in Ukraine right now adopting and a handful more heading there in the next few weeks. It's so exciting to follow their adventures, to see their pictures, get their take on the culture and yet so heart wrenching too. You see, not all children are rip-roaring, ready to go and would go with anyone. Some are scared, afraid to leave all that they know - be it good or bad - move 1/2 way around the world, learn a new language, live a new life and say goodbye to everyone and everything familiar. It would be very scary.
 Alex was one of the first type of kids.
He just wanted out, and he would have gone with anyone.  But not all adoptions go smoothly for various reasons. It's hard to wear your heart on your sleeve and put yourself out there -both financially and emotionally. Adoption is not for the faint of heart and it is by no means....easy!
(In all honesty? I think 9 months of pregnancy and birth was easier than an international adoption. Adoption is not just about the paper work, the extortionate expense, and the trip to Ukraine but the months & months after. The adjusting and acclimation and teaching a child at age ten -without English language skills - without much of an idea what it's like to live in a family - with different cultural values & manners - what you've taught everyone else since birth.)
So, with families gone and families heading I've been reminiscing our experience and realize that I could now talk to Alex and get his take on a few things and hear his side of the story.
I write a lot of sweet things about Alex on my blog. From the get go, Alex has been loving and eager to please. I remember him insisting on carrying in all the groceries during our hosting program, defending my seat next to him when another orphan tried to sit there, jumping up to get my mom a chair and just all over a sweet, pleasing, loving boy.
That's not to say we have don't have moments of frustration, confrontation and a battle of wills. We do. We have (see the first six months of blog entries for further proof) and we will probably have more in the future as he gets older.
We have that with all our children - just because this child was adopted from an orphanage doesn't make him constantly grateful, always obedient nor agree with all our parenting techniques.

But when James and I left for Ukraine, we went to get Alex and Alex alone. We decided that if he didn't want to come or it didn't work out, we were going home.  No question. No looking through books of children and picking someone out, we felt that THIS was the boy for our family. The boy that was meant to be our son.(That's not to say that we disapprove of those that adopt blindly, we just decided it wasn't for us.)  When we got there and he ran into my arms, there was never a question. Yes, he wanted us as much as we wanted him.
Or at least I thought so then.

A few months ago. Maybe almost a year ago, during one of Alex's melt downs, I was asking him if he wanted to be here? With us? And he told me that he would have gone with anyone that came to get him. That anyone would be better than getting hit in the orphanage. 

That set me back. 

Anyone?

We never spoke about it again.

I'm not sure I even blogged about it. 

It sort of hurt my heart but at the same time, I realized just how scary living in an orphanage must be to have the courage to go with just anyone. (At least his orphanage. I have since learned that not all orphanages are like Alex's, yet all are institutions and can no way replace the love and support of a family.)

Tonight I brought it up again. I told him I just wanted to understand how he truly felt and nothing he said would change about how we felt about him. I mentioned the "I would go with anyone to get out of the orphanage" conversation we had months ago and he innocently nodded. Yes, he would have gone with anyone. 

Would you have been scared to go with another family?

Yes.

But you would have went?

Yes.

Were you scared to go with us?

No.
We talked about the hosting time, about how he liked his face tickled and to lay against me. We talked about when he realized that we actually wanted to adopt him, the joy he felt.

I asked if he talked about getting adopted with his friends on the airplane ride home?

No.

Why?

Because what if they didn't have parents, (anyone that wanted to adopt them) it would hurt their feelings.

Oh.

I asked if any of the other children talked about it? The girls from his school?
No.
He said he did tell his teacher that he was going to be adopted and she told the whole class in a loud voice and then all his classmates wanted to know about his family and when we were coming. He told them about playing video games and all the food we have to eat.
He had never witnessed anyone ever being adopted from his orphanage. He knew of it, but it had not happened to anyone in his orphanage. He was the first.

We talked about when we arrived in Ukraine and  how he wouldn't go play with Dad and the other orphans. He confessed that he only wanted Dad to play with him. He didn't want to share him. Funny how I had figured that one out right there and then in the orphanage. I even blogged about his aversion to sharing his Dad.

We talked a bit more about some of his memories of the hosting program, of phone calls to the orphanage, that yes, he did cry, tears of happiness and tears of missing us. That it was hard to understand what we were saying too.

I told him about how hard and often I prayed for him and about the dream

He told me that in Ukraine he went to a class like primary (religion class) and a lady taught him that he could pray for anything and get an answer, then he told me how he prayed all night that we would come and get him. He's thinking that he and I must have been praying at the same time - that was why I had that dream!

I'd like to think that too.

So even though he would have gone with "anyone" at least he was praying for us.
It was so nice to get his take on all this.
Someday, my friends in Ukraine (and those heading there shortly) you too will get their take on this experience too. You will be able to ask, why they cried, why the hesitated, what they were thinking? Or like me you will find that they would have gone with anyone and just how sad and lonely orphan life was.
The road is rough ahead of you but so worth the journey.
God Speed.
~Wendy

Alex's last day in the orphanage....