Well? It had to be said.....

Hello Mom's of Alex's friends,

It's become necessary to let you know about a situation we're struggling with in regards to Alex. After 3.5 years we see so much promise and hope for Alex but he struggles with a severe addiction to video games/screens.  We've tried to curb it by monitoring screen time, making a reward systems, having a designated night, etc and nothing has worked. He just gets so obsessed that he cannot concentrate on anything, get his homework done, or interact with anyone. If left to his own devices he would sit in front of a screen 24/7 and not even know he belongs to a family.

After extensive studying, advice from attachment therapists, and examples from others with kiddo's with similar backgrounds, I've learned that the "numb" feeling he gets playing video games is similar to the mind numbing feeling of neglect he experienced in Ukraine and by playing video games, he is in a sense right back to the numb life he created to protect himself when no one else was protecting him. (I know that sounds a little crazy and I have a hard time wrapping my brain around it too.) Since we have completely eliminating gaming (as of a couple of weeks ago) we are starting to see a change in his behavior. He's trying to communicate more. He's applying himself at school and he's not quite as moody and angry. Except on the days he's around video games. Then he has a huge case of feeling sorry for himself. It's not easy, as I am sure you can imagine with boys similar in age. The biggest hurdle is finding things to do outside of gaming. You may have noticed that he's trying to call and play with your son's more often? The more social interaction and practice using language skills the better! But as the days get colder, its going to be harder for him to find things to do. It's especially hard when he goes to a friends and has to try and talk his friends into doing something besides gaming. I thought if I let you know what we were up against that we could avoid him being invited to gaming parties and that maybe when he's hanging out with your sons, you can help him with his situation and suggest alternate activities to gaming? Movies are okay but as long as they're not violent or crude. (Not that I think you'd let your boys watch those types of movies anyway.) I know that's a lot to ask on some days, and especially now the cold weather is setting in but your understanding and support of the situation and perhaps a discreet heads up to your sons, would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks so much for all you do and for the kind son's you've raised. We're so glad Alex has good friends.
~James & Wendy Richhart

As you can probably guess - we're struggling here with the "no gaming" situation. He just feels so picked on. It's not so hard when he's home but he's going stir crazy. Tonight I played 11 hands of Progressive Rummy with him - after a melt down over how picked on he is. He will admit he has gaming issues but that doesn't make abstinence any easier. Sort of like an alcoholic I guess? 
He was just so angry today. And everything was horrible. He feels he has too much to remember on a daily bases - I was so happy to hear him vent and get it out but then he retracted everything. I think I do need to let up a little. But on what? Do I let him do crappy chores? Not stay on top of his homework? Neglect wearing his retainer? Not correct his improper English? Let him forgo brushing?  I asked him which task was the worst?  Thinking maybe he could use a few days break from chores or something and that's when he retracted everything and shut down. His new shutting down is that he just readily agrees without even letting me finish a sentence. Just "okay, okay, okay" with this fake compliant smile. It's kind of creepy. 
I hope that these families don't think we're crazy or that we're pointing fingers at them for letting their boys game?  Geez...being a parent is great fun isn't it?