Yikes....do I dare admit this?

Oh, do I dare admit to this on my blog?
Hum....
I think so.
So, starting June 15th I will be participating in The Game On Diet.
And I'm really excited.
About five years ago I lost around twenty pounds. Twenty pounds that I should have lost after I had Austin but didn't. But I felt so great once I did.
I did it by exercise and Weight Watchers Core program. I have slowly, in the last couple of years put on, taken off and put on again ten-twelve of those twenty.
Boo.
I'm trying to be realistic. I know I'm not going to weigh what I did in high school. (Which I look back at my high school body and wonder why I thought I was fat? What the heck? I would LOVE to have that body now!) I would just like to feel comfortable and lately I am most comfortable with stuffing my face with food I shouldn't be eating.
Each day I faithfully go to the gym or ride my bike. (Well, usually at least 4-5 times a week.) And each morning I resolve to eat better, and get my act together to lose these ten pounds. And each day by about ten am.....I find myself eating something sinful and the day just goes downhill from there.
So, when I read about this diet "game" on another blog-I got a little excited. I LOVE games. I am very competitive. And this is something new and exciting and will hold me accountable not just to myself but to my team!
I bought the book this morning and so far I really agree and appreciate all the material presented. (Except for the colorful language.)
Tonight I'm going to get through the food plan-but so far it sounds a lot like the Body For Life eating plan-with a day off each week. I like that.
And you get points for just following the plan-not necessarily losing the most weight. I like that too as that last ten pounds seems to come off so slowly and painfully.
There's also points for giving up bad habits and gaining good ones. I like that too.
So, here goes.
It's on my blog...so it's true!
Game On....June 15th!
Pleased comment if you've tried, heard of or would like to particulate!
I would love you on my team....or maybe just kick your can if you're on the other team!

Look Me In The Eye

I finished reading a book last night about Jewish children that immigrated to America during the Holocaust. It was terribly sad how these parents sent their children-all alone-thousands of miles away to live often times with complete strangers or sometimes orphanages here in the States. Of course it was in their best interested as it probably saved their lives. It was eye opening for me as this was written from a child's view point-the author's mother experienced this first hand-and the difficulties in learning a new language and living in a new country. It gave me more empathy towards my Alex as although he didn't leave loving parents behind, he left all he knew and he came to live with new parents in a new environment that was totally foreign to him.
It was a good book for me to read.
Little did I know I would come to a major epiphany.
The child in the book talks about how in Germany when a teacher or adult was speaking to you that out of respect you DIDN'T look them in the eye-you cast your eyes downward. Here in America her teacher wanted her to look her in the eye when she was speaking to her. This was a very hard concept for this child.
Hum....
I was curious. Perhaps this downward look is also a sign of respect in Ukraine?
I can't even tell you how many times I have asked Alex to look me in the eye. Even held his face and helped him direct his gaze into my eyes. It wouldn't matter if I was reprimanding or just talking he wouldn't look at me. It drove me crazy, I was sure he was ignoring me or tuning me out. I also thought it was some sort of detachment-withdraw-self preservation tactic.
But maybe....???
So, this morning I told Alex a little about my book. About how children in Germany were taught to not look into an adults eyes or face when spoken to. I asked if that was how it was in Ukraine?
"Yes."
"You mean when a teacher was talking to you-be it yelling or just talking you didn't look at them?"
"Yes."
"So, I said let's pretend I'm an Ukraine teacher and I am talking to you" I began talking and Alex immediately cast his eyes down at the floor with a contrite look on his face.
In an instant he was that forlorn child that I brought home just over a year ago.
Huh.
What I had interpreted as ignoring me, and defiance by NOT looking at me was actually how he was TAUGHT to show respect to adults?
Why didn't I know this?
I told him how hard that must have been for him when he first came here and how I didn't know that was what he was taught. In America it's just the opposite, not looking at someone and showing that you're listening is a sign of disrespect.
Poor little guy.
Imagine how confused he must have been those first few months?
He still struggles to look at me when he's in trouble. It doesn't matter if I'm yelling or talking softly. He just turns away. But then that's pretty common in most children. My big kids tend to not only not look at me but roll their eyes and walk away.
I just wish I had known sooner about this respect thing....
Good grief!

Youth Conference

Photo Update

This is Alex yesterday with his math tutor/mentor. This is Jared, my friend Amy's son. Not only is he incredibly bright he's a good kid and an excellent student. My thought in having him help Alex with his math will not only help further Alex's math skills-they're working on a faction pizza in this picture-but give him a shining example of a bright and talented BOY! Austin is not a scholar and doesn't pretend to be and although James was a good student and the best when it comes to math and science he doesn't sit around reading or writing papers. I feel like Alex needs to see that it's okay and cool for BOYS/MEN to do homework and be smart. I think Jared is the perfect guy for the job.

I did promise that I wouldn't take their picture everyday, I just had to yesterday as they practically had on matching shirts.

I found it funny that both Devree and Austin wanted to know why I wasn't paying THEM to tutor Alex? Austin told me he may not know a lot but he knows more than Alex! And Devree who is an awesome student was just baffled. Why would I be paying Jared? I didn't get into it with them but somehow I think sibling tutoring would be detrimental for all involved. Especially me!

It was Hayden's b-day yesterday. Great. Another sixteen year old with a license. We made him marshmallow brownies to celebrate. With any luck I will go to settlement today with his parents. We sold their home here in Murray and they're heading to Saratoga Springs. What Thing One and Thing Two will do without each other is beyond me! (However, I'm sure they'll figure out that you can get to Saratago Springs by driving down Redwood Road!)

I had to snap a picture of Alex's label for his notebook.

This is the label on his "in wetions" note book. (The word he was trying for was inventions) In this aspect he IS imitating James, who keeps a similar notebook with drawings, figures & calculations of all his many inventions. This morning Alex was drawing a demented looking baby. Not sure how that is an invention but, oh well.

We sent the teenagers off to youth conference today. Three days. Wow. I don't know quite what to do with so much peace and tranquility and lack of testosterone and girl issues. They're heading up to my friend Amy's cabin in Idaho and I'm sure they'll have a great time. Good luck Amy!

Here's is a picture of my enthused kiddo's during Mom School this morning. They're doing their independent reading right now-I'm having Alex take notes on each page that he reads and then he has to summarize what he's read at the end of thirty minutes. We'll see how that goes.

Anyone have brilliant ideas of what to do with these two for three days? Besides the pleasure I get out of torturing-I mean teaching-them during Mom School?

Sunday Night with James' Siblings

Sunday night Jake-James brother brought over his four wheeler for James to take camping this weekend.

Of course everyone had to try it out!

But I only got two pictures.

Diana-James' sister came over for dinner and then did some face painting practicing on all of us. The weather was so nice and we really enjoyed being outside but then the storm clouds rolled in and we had to finish up inside.

Even I got in on the face painting. I have kissing fishes on my face. And if I can figure out how to put the video on from my MAC I'll post some video.

She finished up around nine pm so we ran to my sisters to show off our faces and then to my Dads. Then we came home and washed them off and went to bed. Alex wasn't too keen about the whole face painting thing. Apparently he had is face painted in Ukraine and it took "relly, relly hot water" to get it off and his face was all red afterwards. But he finally consented.

Okay, I think it was pretty brave of me to put this lame video on my blog. I think with a little practice I could have gotten better. Here is Devree's purple tiger imitation. (James is making the tiger sounds-just in case you were wondering!)

Summer Update....

Well, we're in the thick of summer already.
Rylee, while writing in her journal today (and not happy about it-it was part of Mom School) wrote:
This is the worst summer. Alex is annoyinger, Dad is dad, Mom is making me do mom school and Kambree, Austin and Devree ignore me like always. I have to go to bed at 9:30pm. This is the worst summer!!!
I, trying to help her with her writing skills explained that Alex is MORE annoying. Not annoyinger. She didn't care. She claiming annoyinger to be her own word. Needless to say she was in a very crabby mood-she took it all back tonight at dinner.
Alex went to reading tutor up at the school after much debating the night before about how long it takes him to ride his bike to school. He told me three minutes-I wanted him to leave fifteen minutes before. So, I had him time himself on a trial run the night before. The first time the battery fell out of the timer and he told me three minutes. So, I made him go again and told him to go at a normal pace as no tutor wants to sit next to a hot, sweaty boy that raced his bike up the hill. The next time trial came in at 5.01 minutes to that I got him to agree to add 5 for locking up his bike and walking to the class room and then add two minutes for a cushion. So, he will leave TWELVE minutes before the hour.....not three!
This morning we kidnapped the senior girls in our ward for breakfast to welcome them to Relief Society. We do this every year but this year it was my OWN daughter. Ritva, our RS president brought a cow bell and was banging it to wake the girls up. Kambree rolled over thinking it was Austin bothering her than heard Ritva's voice and turned and glared at us! It was hilarious. She wasn't sure what was going on-what she thought was Austin turned out to be the RS president, secretary and myself!
We took them up to The Blue Plate Diner in Sugarhouse. It was a good morning.
On the way home, there was Alex heading to the school for reading. Without a helmet. I went home and grabbed one and took it up. There he was with dirty mechanic hands and dirt smudged under his nose sitting next to his tutor looking like.....well? AN ORPHAN! I made him go wash his hand and face.
When he got home his math tutor was coming and I made him wash again AND comb his hair and brush his teeth-something he hadn't done yet. I told him he could not go out and get dirty until his tutor sessions were over. (He had fifteen minutes to kill and was just itching to get back out and work on his project!) James taught him how to fix his flat tire and he was now working on Rylee's flat. I love how smart he is about stuff like that. I just wish he could be as smart about soap and water!
James and I escaped Saturday night and went out to the New Yorker for dinner and spent the night at the downtown Hilton. It was the first time we've ever left the kids home alone. They all made it to church the next day and the dishes were even done! I couldn't ask for more!!
Well, we're off to rehearsals.
Every night this week!

Love for Ukraine?

I've been faithfully following my friends blog as she adopts boys from the same region where we adopted Alex. So many of the places and experiences are the same. She commented on how she's having a hard time finding a love for Ukraine and just wants to whisk her boys out of there. I remember that feel so very well. I would scoff when people I met in Ukraine mentioned coming back for a vacation. A vacation are you kidding? This is not a place I would CHOOSE to visit! I remember telling my facilitator the only way I'd be back is if Alex became some super famous soccer player or something and Ukraine was honoring him. (Or he was coming over to play-and kick Ukraine's butt-because I would be the loudest cheerleader ever!)

Since then my thoughts have softened towards Ukraine. I no longer cringe when I hear Ukraine mentioned. I have a few fond memories of a few people and experiences but mostly I have Alex-whom I love and cherish and because he is Ukrainian, I will forever be grateful to his birth country-despite the fact I am not grateful for his past experiences or hardships.

But worse than my memories of Ukraine are Alex's. The things he went through-an abusive, neglectful, alcoholic family life and then abandonment in an orphanage with horrible and psychologically damaging discipline-you can't really blame him. He cringes when he hears his native language spoken. He says it sounds bad.

A while back I tried to help him think of good things about Ukraine and the only things he could come up with is Borscht and his half brother, Ivan.

I think he had more love and pride for his country when he was there but as he's come to live with us and see how our life is and feel love he realizes the hell hole from which he came and it hurts and he hates it. He told me weeks after arriving home "I wish I in yous tummy." . He gave up speaking Ukrainian within a month of getting home and insisted he didn't understand or speak it and he doesn't want us to tell people he's adopted. He just wants to be one of us-the same and pretend he was always one of us.

We've had a couple of times in the past when something has triggered a terrible memory and he'll sob in my arms and tell me "My brain cannot forget Ukraine." I tell him of course it can't and how sorry I am for his bad memories and if I could take them away I would. He calms quickly, he lets me comfort him and hold him and make up for some of the hurt and loss. The truth is I cannot take it away, I can only love him through it and help him find hope and feel safe.

Right now he's carving something out of wood for James for Fathers Day and he came and showed me and informed me that he was making me lots of presents for Mothers Day next year. I hugged him and kissed his cheeks and asked, "How did I get such a sweet boy?" and he said "Because I can carve?" I laughed and said, "Oh, yes. I only got you because you can carve." Then he gave me a deep serious look and said "Because God told you to get me and you love me."

I'm not sure he's uttered sweeter words.

And here is a sweet picture of that sweet boy!

Peter Pan Rehearsals!

Come see us!

June 23-29th (Except Sunday)

WVC Cultural Center

(1355 West 3100 South)

8:00 pm

$5 per person

or

$20 per family

Graduation Photo's....

Graduation was at one o'clock and the graduates had to be there at noon, so I had everyone home and ready to go at 11:45. My sweet cousin/sister Michelle drove up from St. George and brought her cute family and fabulous camera and photography skills but I have yet to see her pictures. So, what you see is just off my little digital camera.

I ordered Kambree a cedar chest SIX weeks ago just so we'd have it in time for graduation but wouldn't you know it, it is on back-order so we got her a picture of her cedar chest-yet to arrive-and a daisy lei.

This is her on the way to graduation.

Once there we snapped a few photos....

Heading in to get in line to march in later....

Waiting and playing DS.....

I love this photo!

With Robbie

With Witney

Reenacting tossing her hat!

Afterwards we went out to eat....here is the whole gang!

It was really a nice day. We had so many of our family members attend and remember her and she was just glowing, beautiful and gracious the whole day!

That night she went to the all night senior party at slept the whole next day.

Graduation.....(sigh)

My baby graduated from high school today.
Wow.
Can she be that old? Wasn't it just yesterday I was pacing the floor, five days over due, trying to convince her to come out? I promised her I would be a good mom. I would love her and take care of her. Please, please, please come out I begged.
As nervous as I was to give birth I was so tired of being pregnant.
Oh, but she was stubborn-maybe she knew how inadequate I was and just thought "No, way. I'm staying in and long as I can."?
Two days later I was induced.
After she was born she had some complications (aspirated fluid) and my nine pound three ounce bouncing baby girl was in the NIC struggling to breath. I have never prayed so hard in my life. Is this what motherhood is? Loving someone more than yourself? Praying so hard and making all sorts of promises to God?
Luckily, she did recover and (knock on wood) I've never had to pray so hard and be so worried about her since.
Okay. I do worry.
But not in a life or death like situation.

She grew a little.

The first time I took her out on my own she was two weeks old. I took her to have her picture taken. Of course she was wide awake and happy when I got to the portrait studio but we had to wait and wait and she had fallen asleep. They had to wake her up for her pictures-although we did take a lot of sleeping ones-and then she started to cry. I broke out into a cold sweat. I was so nervous and stressed over her crying in public. I was sure everyone around thought I was a terrible mother. I think about it now and laugh. I had no idea what I was doing or what I was in for.
When she was first home and sleeping all the time, I would go and listen for her breath and touch her just to make sure she was still alive.
I also remember nursing her when she was days old and thinking. This is it. I've done everything there is to do. I'm married, I have a baby, there's nothing great left for me to do.
I didn't know it then, but I had a case of the "after baby blues". I would cry because she was so perfect, or over a silly commercial, or if James said something nice to me. I felt so dumb for being so sad because I knew I had so much to be grateful for-this beautiful healthy baby, my wonderful husband. My good life.

She grew a little more.

Eventually, we figured each other out and my hormones went back to normal and for the last seventeen years and nine months to this day Kambree has been apart of my life-everyday.
I had Kambree right beside me day in and out when she was a baby. She went to work with me and I'd sit her in her rocking car seat and bounce it while I did payroll and paper work. She would play on the floor while I cooked dinner or I'd carry her like a fragile princess snuggled into the warm clothes in the laundry basket. I learned to sleep with one arm around her protective so James wouldn't roll on her as I was just to tired to put her back in her bed. She was slathered in baby lotion and wore ruffly socks and matching bows before we ever left the house or went anywhere.

She grew even more.

I remember how she LOVED the big, purple dinosaur, Barney. How she would sing all the time and make up her own words when she didn't know the right ones. She became a big sister when she was just over twenty months old and she took that responsibility very seriously. She understood Austin when the rest of us couldn't. "Mom he wants a cookie." "Mom he wants a drink." Austin didn't talk until later in life because Kambree did all the talking for him.
She's always had a tender spot in her heart for animals. When other little girls played at dolls she played dogs. Once she collected a bunch of slugs that I refused to let her keep in the house-she also liked to collect potato bugs-well, the slugs slimmed away in the night and the next day she was in tears because her "pets" had run away.
She loved to get muddy and dirty and make messy arts and crafts. (She still does!)
She started dancing at age three and the first time she ran excitedly into her dance class in her tap shoes she slipped and feel right on her bottom. She still wanted to dance but refused to get off the chair-as she didn't want to fall down again. After a couple of weeks of sitting in the chair just doing the hand movements her teacher suggested we try again next year.

She kept on growing.

She's always been brave. She's the first to try things like jumping off cliffs in Lake Powell, getting up on water ski's, hanging on to a tube despite how fast and crazy her grandpa drives the boat to dump her off. She's all about adventure.
She loves camping and hiking.
She and her friends put on carnivals, spook allies, bake sales and babysitting clinics.

And she grew even older.

Although you've all seen pictures of Kambree on this blog and can attest to how beautiful she is outside, I know she's beautiful inside. I've always told her it's more important to be beautiful inside than out. Lucky for her....she's both!

And now she's practically all grown up.

She's my favorite critique and I trust her taste and opinion over any one else. I always leave the tags on my clothes until I get her opinion just in case she gives me a thumbs down and I need to return it.
I love that she comes home and shares her life with me.
She's always been trust worthy and although we butt heads about the condition and cleanliness of her room-that's really our only sore spot. We don't even argue about curfews or boys.

I'm feeling a little lonely tonight thinking of my baby girl leaving me next fall. I keep telling myself she's been preparing me for this, being so busy like she has the past couple of years. Sometimes I only see her briefly coming and going. She's been dancing on dance company, working, taking college courses, participating in young woman's and has a very active social life. But I know at the end of the day-be it oh, so very late-she is home and safe and I usually get a "I'm home Mom, goodnight." And if I'm awake enough to ask about her night I get a brief overview of how things went.
This last year, her senior year has been sort of like a backwards pregnancy's with lot's of lasts-rather than lot's of firsts. And as much as I've been excited for her and her new "birth"- going off to school, to dance on the drill team, to have opportunity's and experiences that will mold her into an even more fabulous young woman, I feel like I did when she was five days late only I've been trying to talk her into slowing down, staying home, being mine for just a little longer.
But she's still not listening and today I feel like I was induced.
She graduated from high school.
Is there a such thing as "after baby just graduated blues" and if so, is there a pill or a fix?
Because I'm feeling a little sad. Not for her. Just for me. It feels as if everything is changing and nothing will ever be the same.
Is eighteen years and a couple weeks enough time to teach her everything she needs to know? Did I keep my promise? Was I a good mom? Is she ready?
I just don't want to let her go. I want her to just start going backwards now and be my Breezyboop once again, and sing me songs and play dogs, tell me what Austin needs and turn my backyard or basement into a carnival or spook alley.
I want to walk into her room and wonder if there is actually carpet underneath this huge mess?
Is it so wrong to want her to stay mine and stay little. And know she's safe and home in her messy bedroom each night.

My entire life my Dad always told me he was going to put a rock on my head. I could never figure out why. I was so literal, "Why would I want a rock on my head? A rock would hurt." But this was his way of telling me not to grow up, to stay little.
And, as much as he told me he was going to-he didn't. He couldn't.
And I grew up.
And I had a baby.
And in just a few blinks of an eye, she has gone and grown up too.

I took lot's of pictures and will post soon.