Look Me In The Eye

I finished reading a book last night about Jewish children that immigrated to America during the Holocaust. It was terribly sad how these parents sent their children-all alone-thousands of miles away to live often times with complete strangers or sometimes orphanages here in the States. Of course it was in their best interested as it probably saved their lives. It was eye opening for me as this was written from a child's view point-the author's mother experienced this first hand-and the difficulties in learning a new language and living in a new country. It gave me more empathy towards my Alex as although he didn't leave loving parents behind, he left all he knew and he came to live with new parents in a new environment that was totally foreign to him.
It was a good book for me to read.
Little did I know I would come to a major epiphany.
The child in the book talks about how in Germany when a teacher or adult was speaking to you that out of respect you DIDN'T look them in the eye-you cast your eyes downward. Here in America her teacher wanted her to look her in the eye when she was speaking to her. This was a very hard concept for this child.
Hum....
I was curious. Perhaps this downward look is also a sign of respect in Ukraine?
I can't even tell you how many times I have asked Alex to look me in the eye. Even held his face and helped him direct his gaze into my eyes. It wouldn't matter if I was reprimanding or just talking he wouldn't look at me. It drove me crazy, I was sure he was ignoring me or tuning me out. I also thought it was some sort of detachment-withdraw-self preservation tactic.
But maybe....???
So, this morning I told Alex a little about my book. About how children in Germany were taught to not look into an adults eyes or face when spoken to. I asked if that was how it was in Ukraine?
"Yes."
"You mean when a teacher was talking to you-be it yelling or just talking you didn't look at them?"
"Yes."
"So, I said let's pretend I'm an Ukraine teacher and I am talking to you" I began talking and Alex immediately cast his eyes down at the floor with a contrite look on his face.
In an instant he was that forlorn child that I brought home just over a year ago.
Huh.
What I had interpreted as ignoring me, and defiance by NOT looking at me was actually how he was TAUGHT to show respect to adults?
Why didn't I know this?
I told him how hard that must have been for him when he first came here and how I didn't know that was what he was taught. In America it's just the opposite, not looking at someone and showing that you're listening is a sign of disrespect.
Poor little guy.
Imagine how confused he must have been those first few months?
He still struggles to look at me when he's in trouble. It doesn't matter if I'm yelling or talking softly. He just turns away. But then that's pretty common in most children. My big kids tend to not only not look at me but roll their eyes and walk away.
I just wish I had known sooner about this respect thing....
Good grief!