Over-Due Alex Update

It's been a long, rough and bumpy road this week. It started last Sunday when Alex thought he could pull one over on James and not do his homework like normal. Despite the fact that he has been writing in his journal 5 times a week for over seven months with the same rules and expectations, he thought that since Dad doesn't usually help him, that he could just get away with not following the protocol. Rather than admit he didn't do his work properly, he lied to cover up his his wrong doing, just making things worse. 

(Sigh.)

So we had long talk #451 about cheating, lying and trust. Oh yes, complete with tears of frustration, self berating and unwillingness to look me in the eye.

(Another sigh.)

The week continued to go downhill with numerous reprimands, talks and new rule proclamations: 

• Monday morning he tried to fill out his reading chart for October and just filled in every little ghost with 30 minutes of reading when if he had read every day - which I believe he did - he would still have four ghosts left over.  Uhh....that would be cheating....again.

• At his SEP's on Thursday, I heard that he's been a little "mouthy" (was the word his teacher used) and disruptive in class?  Grade wise he did okay in all but math. In math he got a D+.  Great. Math. The universal language.

• Bragged about his "three minute" showers which got him a new "5 minute minimum" shower rule. 

• Then, last night he put himself to bed at 9 pm and I checked in on him to make sure he was feeling okay.

Yes.

Well, why are you in bed? Are you tired? Are you sick?

No. I am not tired but (in this contrite "I am the perfect son voice") it's  9 o'clock.  (His weekday/school night lights out.)

I know it's nine but when do you go to bed at nine on the weekend?

(Shrug) 

He didn't go to bed on Friday at nine. In fact he groaned when I asked him to get ready for bed at ten.

If you're tired or unwell, of course, go to bed but you don't have to. If you're not tired you're welcome to get up and join us.

So he gets up.

Thinking he was already for bed (like he just told me he was) I asked to check his teeth brushing (he's not the best brush-er) and he admits.... his teeth are not brushed!!

So....you're just pretending to be such a good boy and going to bed all on your own without BRUSHING YOUR TEETH? (Grrr...) Give me a break and with that I sent him to brush and actually go to bed!

But then I decided it was time for one of those talks that will never make me popular. The kind that you hope to avoid, hoping he'll figure it out on his own. That no matter how you word it, it's going to come across harsh but after 18 months. It was time.

In a nutshell, Alex doesn't participate. We can be laughing and talking and having a great time and Alex is just in his own world. It doesn't matter what we're talking about, we can even be talking about him. He doesn't even try to listen. We try to pull him in and he will say "What?" even though he's sitting right there with us. He goes off and makes his inventions, tinkers around, gets on the computer, goes and plays in his room, or just sits and zone's out. Especially during group conversations.  I asked him why he always has to be in front of the computer or TV or on his own? Why he just can't chill and be with us and be APART of us?

The answer? 

Because it's boring.

Our family is boring???? I think the reason you think that is because you don't listen. You don't participate in conversations. You shut us all out, and sit there thinking inside your own head. Of course it's boring, you don't participate. Would you agree with that?

 He agreed with my assessment and we had some "Conversation 101" and practiced listening and asking questions and when asked a question not giving one word answers that shut the conversation down. I think it went over really well. Austin and Rylee helped us practice. 

There are moments in mothering Alex when I get so exasperated and then I get just a little glimpse - call it a tender mercy from his point of view - and for just a second I see how it must be for him. No one has ever taught him to converse - to listen - to be interested or ask questions pertaining to the things being talked about. He didn't grow up around a loving, laughing family. He doesn't have the memories and stories of our past. He doesn't have happy ones of his own to share. (In fact during our conversation practice Rylee mentioned how she would fall asleep on the floor in my office and I'd have to carry her to bed when she was a little girl. I coached him that this would be a good time to share something about when he was a little boy. "No." he says quickly. "I don't like to talk about little." Point taken but still can't you share something that you liked when you were little? He liked to chop down trees. Hum. Interesting.) He was never taught to just pay attention to what was going on around him. I've been telling him since he was two months adopted to "please don't interrupt" "just a minute" or "wait his turn" as he would cut into the middle of a story or sentence time and time again. Now he catches himself and will start to blurt out whatever it is he wants to say or ask and then catch himself and say "Oh, sorry. Not my turn." but it's evident that he's not listening to the conversation around him. He's lost in his own thought about something. And it's not getting better. I was so hoping our conversation lessons would help. At the least it couldn't hurt. 

This evening my parents came over for dessert and Alex said "Thank you for cake Mom." and cleaned up his dish and went to leave and I sweetly reminded him that this was a good opportunity to be a part of the conversation, that he doesn't have to talk but I would like him to listen. We were sharing funny stories. After a few stories, I asked if I could share a story about him and he nodded. 

It was a funny story about Alex and Austin and a prank Austin pulled on Alex and how Alex is going to get Austin back when he grows up and everyone laughed. Including Alex. I think he enjoyed being a part of the story, but more importantly he listened! He participated! My Dad confided in him that he doesn't talk much either, that in our family it's hard to get a word in. But I pointed out that even though Grandpa doesn't tell lots of stories, he listens, laughs and he is a part of the family. I think it helped for him to realize that you don't have to be the center of the conversation or have something witty to say or a story to share, that you can just listen to be included. Just like Grandpa. (Thanks Dad!)

A couple funny Alex stories:

#1 While cleaning out the yard Saturday, I was chopping down the chives and Alex came up and said, "Mama, you smell so good I could eat you!" I laughed and showed him where I was clearing out the chives and told him if he liked the smell so much he could work on them. Later after his shower he came and gave me a hug and I got this huge whiff of onion breath! "Alex, did you eat the chives?" "Yes, they were yummy! I will go brush my teeth!"

#2 Earlier this evening we were talking about a few friends of ours that have had babies and gained weight and Kambree told me that my mom told her that her Grandma (my great Grandmother Pearl) told her when she was impatient with her weight loss after having a baby "It takes 9 months to put it on, it will take at least that long to take it off." To which I remarked, "I've been carrying around ten pounds since Austin was born, what if it's been sixteen years?" Then I confessed that I'm still carrying around weight from Devree and Rylee too. To which Alex  proudly proclaimed,  "You didn't gain weight with me!" We all laughed and then I pointed out my grey hair and wrinkles and told him, that this is what I've gained since having him.  Again we laughed. (But inside I was cheering! "Hurray, hurray....he is listening and participating in our conversation!" I really think "Conversation 101" is working!)

So after the week we've had, I was really surprised and touched to read this in Alex's journal today:

I am grateful that I have a mom because if you did not have a  mom how would you fill (feel)? I was in sperienc like that. (I experienced that.) I am grateful that God brot (brought) me here. My mom is the best mom I ever have (had). 

(Yes, sniff....yes watering.)

The road is often times long and bumpy, but the payoffs are worth it!