Alex's life or wife....

You know....I wasn't too sure I should have posted that blog about past punishments. But I was so appalled and as I know so many from Alex's same school-I felt they should know what went on there. Of course not ALL orphanages are like this one. And let's hope these were isolated incidents-like only Alex's teacher was in to public humiliation as a form of punishment-I don't know. And maybe I shouldn't have posted it, but for what it's worth-I did.

Thanks for all the advice comments. I will take them to heart.
This morning Alex got up early and asked me some interesting questions.
Mom will I have normal life?
Wife or life? (I couldn't tell which he was asking.)
Life!
Alex, you can have any life you want. It's up to you. You can let the things in the past haunt you and bother you or you can choose to move forward and realize that you had a rough start but you're going to be okay and make the best of it.
Oh.
Lot's of people have had bad things happen to them. But each person has a choice to either dwell on it or put it behind them. Of course you should talk about it when you feel like it and maybe you will need some help to put it behind you, but you can have any life you choose. Do you think you have a normal life now?
Yes. (Grinning)
Then without a pause and a twinkle in his eye he asks:
What kind of wife I have?
Wife?
(Nod)
Well... I don't know what kind of wife do you want?
I don't know.
You should figure it out. Do you want a nice or mean wife?
Ahh...cute and mean-no-nice.
Is it more important to have a cute wife or a nice wife?
Nice. (Good boy!)
Yep, you want a wife that will be a kind mother and good wife. Cute is good too but not as important as nice. Don't you think?
(Nod) Then:
When Austin move to other house with wife?
Austin? I don't know, he's only 15.
I move twenty.
You're going to get married and move out when your twenty? (Nod) That's really young.
Whats young?
And then we had a vocabulary lesson on what young means.
Twenty is young?
(Of course, I'm sure it sounds SO old to him right now!)
Yes. You'll be barely out of high school. How will you support your family? What about college and a mission.
Oh.
Then we talked briefly about what normal is and that really, no one is normal.
He left for school with sticking up hair. I usually re-do his hair every day as he just hasn't grasped the concept that he has a backside to his head and the hair there needs to be combed. I took him into the bathroom to show him the alfalfa sprout on the back of his head and he said, "Who cares?" Apparently only me! I told him if he was okay with his hair looking like that then that was up to him and I walked out of the bathroom. I did say if he asked me I'd be happy to fix it but he was happy and content to go with crazy sticking up hair. Oh...the restraint I exercised letting him leave that way. Which is not to say I didn't try some reverse psychology tricks to get him to reconsider but he happily went to school looking like AN ORPHAN!!
I realize this is MY issue and not Alex's. I spend a lot of time and effort getting Alex to appear loved and cared for. I won't let him wear dirty, worn, mismatched or too small clothes. I insist on daily baths, hair combings, teeth brushing, nail clipping etc. It's not that I don't insist on those things with my other children-I do! But I'm extra vigilant with Alex as he already has so many obstacles to overcome with language and culture that I don't want appearance/cleanliness/social acceptance to be another. We all know kids either in our children's classes or our own childhood that came to school dirty, mismatched, hair disheveled, smelly, dirt under their fingernails-uncared for. I remember a boy (that in hindsight was severely neglected) in second grade that I was partnered with as my buddy for the Zoo field trip. The teacher took me aside and told me that she had partnered me with him because she knew I had a kind heart. Yes, that's how bad his situation was-so much that the teacher had to prep the child that was assigned to hold hands with him. I did hold his very cold, skinny, dirty, malnourished, hand all through the zoo and I felt bad.... for both of us.
Alex reminded me a lot of this boy when he was at the orphanage and I know this thing I have about his appearance is something I need to deal with. So I think a little congrats are in order for me today! I let him go to school today with poking up hair!
But look how dang cute he is when I DO comb his hair and select his clothes!
This was taken last October on his baptism day.

Happy Birthday James!

Today is my hubby's birthday!
He left for work this morning. (Sigh) Not the best way to spend your birthday-driving for four hours to freezing cold Wyoming to work for the next two weeks!
Last night we had a nice dinner and I made his favorite, lemon bars.
I thought I'd post some pictures but unlike my daughters, James doesn't sit and take picture after picture of himself or pose and ask me to take his picture-like Alex. So, here's what I have:

James has taught himself to play the guitar in the past year and he's quite good. I love to hear him play. Even though he plays one of my least favorite country songs "I'm going to miss her" about the man that chooses to fish over staying home with his wife. ALL the kids sing along when he plays. Even Alex.

This was him when he came home two weeks ago. Very cold in Wyoming so he grew out his beard. Thank goodness it was gone the next day. Kissing his cute beard face not my fav! (You can also see how tired he is when he gets home from this two week stints!) I can't help but burst into song singing "Daddy's Whiskers" when he's this hairy! It's the most annoying song and it gets stuck in my head for days. I just got it out and Alex came home with "whiskers" as his spelling word-so I had to sing the song for him too. I overheard Alex singing it this morning but all he has down is "Daddy's whiskers" and he sings that over and over!
Last year I posted the top 42 things I love about James. All those still apply and to add one more for this year:
#43 I love how determined and positive James is about his invention, the Glummy Bag!
(His website is not finished yet but it's getting there!)
Happy Birthday Sweetheart!

Past Punishments

I hesitate to post this entry.

After long thought and consideration and the enlightenment I received after learning these things I am going to post in hopes that those of you who have adopted from orphanages and are unaware-like myself-can better understand the environment that these children grew up in.

It makes me sad and terribly angry and it makes all my mama bear hairs stand up on end.

A friend of mine-that adopted from the same orphanage and our children are similar in age- called me earlier this week and shared some information her daughters had shared about punishments at the orphanage. Alex is not one to bring up much about his past and would just as soon forget about it, I'm sure. But these punishments were so bizarre I had to ask Alex what he knew about it.

Apparently a young girl-not my friends daughter-thank heavens-was caught doing something with a boy she shouldn't have and her punishment was to walk through her class room in her underwear while her classmates spit on her. Can you imagine?

So, I ask Alex what he knows and he acknowledged the punishment and said it was because "she was in love". (I don't think he knew about the sexual nature of her crime? Not sure. He seems so very innocent and yet I know he's been exposed to so much bad stuff.)

Then he started sharing some of his past punishments. He apparently "blew gum into a girls ear"-I know, not nice-and for that he had to wear his underwear on his head and walk naked through his classmates. NAKED!! He told me he covered himself with his hands.

Then there was a time he didn't use soap in the shower (imagine that?) and someone smelled him and told him to pack his things and leave. He was probably about eight years old. He was picked up just outside of Dnepropetrovsk by someone from the orphanage. Dnepropetrovsk is a 4o minute bus ride through a not so great area. He was heading to his brothers houses.

Then he told me how he got hit with a stick with poky things on it and it made punctures in his bottom-this was for putting toothpaste on some one's bread at lunch-a prank.

He told me his friends were hit with whips and one boy had to wear every one's underwear on his head for a punishment.

He said the worse punishment is to "stand outside on hot metal where you feet burn". (Not sure what he's talking about here.) But that he never had it happen to him.

He also mentioned that in the previous orphanage he was picked up by his ears, jostled around by his ears and the dropped on the ground. He showed me the back of his ear where he has this bump of cartilage that pokes out. No doubt from this punishment. The offense? Drawing a picture with four eyes and three mouths? (What the heck?)

He had shared previously the time he was forced to kneel in salt for hours and had bloody knees-he said that was for reading when he should have been napping. (Is that why we struggle to read now?) and once he mentioned he didn't get his Christmas candy on Christmas Day-his only gift-for being somewhere he wasn't suppose to be.

Last night while writing in his journal he couldn't think of a thing to write so I mentioned maybe he should write about his past. Maybe about his punishments.

Why?

So you won't forget?

"Oh I never forget....they hurt so bad!"

Yep, I am sure he won't forget-as much as he'd like to and as much as I'd like to erase his past.

I explained to him that I know he doesn't like to talk about the orphanage but it helps me understand him and that maybe I can help him if I understand what he went through.
Then last night we were trying to reminisce with Alex about when we hosted him. He can't remember much. He claims he didn't know we were going to adopt him-even though we had the translator/adoption coordinator talk with him and explain things. He said he never thought he'd see us again. He realized we were going to adopt him after he got back and got called down to the directors office with the other girls getting adopted and asked if he wanted to be adopted. I asked if he wanted to read my blog about when we hosted him. "No, I don't want to remember." James jumped on that with "He doesn't want to remember the orphanage. He just wants to pretend he always lived here. Right buddy?" and he tousled Alex's hair. Alex grinned but shook his head no. Which may be because he didn't understand what James was saying?
I can understand that he doesn't want to always remember his past, but I think there is so much he keeps bottled up and he has such a hard time expressing himself but I changed the subject. I told him about a girl I know-adopted from Ukraine, that felt so bad that her mother made her shoplift for food when she was little and how excited she was to be getting baptized and washed clean. I explained that this little girl wasn't at fault-her mother made her do it and that she shouldn't have been made to feel guilty for shoplifting when she was so little but how great it is to feel clean when you're baptized and know that everything-even the things that are not your fault-is washed away. Then Alex's eyes got big and he shared how his Ukraine mom made him steal bread.

"She say get bread, tomatoes and cucumbers but I get bread and candy."

What did your mom do?

She slap me.

How often did you have to steal bread?

Just once. Once a week.

How old where you?

Four.
See what I mean? Lot's of stuff bottled up.

So what have your children shared with you about their previous orphanage life? What bizarre punishments have you heard of? Do your children talk about it much? Do you think it's good to have them talk about it? I'm not sure-does it just bring up the hurt or does it heal? It certainly helps me have more empathy and understanding but part of me doesn't want to know-to remain oblivious. Obliviously naive. Your thoughts and input & suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Sunshine on my blog!

I got an award!
(I'm not sure I've ever got a blog award before?)
This is from my bloggy friend MomInTheTrench who is an inspiration and her blog "This Work Stinks" makes my life look and smell like roses!
Not exactly sure what the Sunshine Award is or why I would be graced with it but I AM so grateful for it and perhaps it's a coincidence but the sun is out in Utah today!
Sunshine note: When I was in junior high I had a teacher that would call me Sunshine-I've always been a little on the sunny side but lately I find myself not so warm and fuzzy. Humm....I wonder whats up with that? I know a lot of it is the time of year. Blah to winter and layers of clothes, biting wind, frozen gardens, dirty snow, smelly winter coats, muddy boots, bored children, and coughs and colds.
But more than that I just feel so melancholy . Like I'm just so boring. I could sleep all day and sometimes I do. Not in a depressed sort of way but in a "I don't feel like doing anything else" sort of way. Anyway, so I needed some sunshine not only in the sky but in my blogging world. So THANK YOU.
The rules are to pass it on to 12 other bloggers, comment on their blogs and let them know and link back to the person that gave it to you. (This will test my blogging and linking skills.)
Many of the the blogs I follow have already received this award and a lot of my friends have blogs but don't update too often, so here goes in no particular order of fashion. These bloggers bring sunshine into my life and/or WOULD bring sunshine into my life it they would blog more!!
Lawrence Family Blog
Lobos Family
On Top Of The Hills
Our Family
Drew & Jen Benson
My Cute Little Monkeys
Random Musings
Rogers Family
The Hansen Family
Becoming A Family
Walton Watch
Harris Family
Gold To Refine

Actually as I look through my list, you all bring sunshine to my life and there are many more than twelve of you. So, if you're reading this, tag....you're awarded!
Here's to sunshine, awards and blogging friends!

Super Bowl....

Last night we had a Super Bowl party and watched the game. To some of you that is a given, to us it was a momentous occasion as we have NEVER watched the Super Bowl and usually don't even know it's come and gone. Yes. We're that much into football.
But upon hearing other families and friends make plans for Super Bowl parties (Umm...no, we did not get invited-again we're not into football-my kids-when younger were a nuisance to my brothers who are BIG time into football so it's no skin off my nose that we don't garner an invite) I decided that WE would have our own Super Bowl Party and bring the antenna off my new TV downstairs and put it on the big screen.
I bought fix-ens for big Hoggie sandwiches, chips, veggie tray and.....soda pop! (My kids couldn't believe it-I don't do soda pop!)
I told the kids we were having a Super Bowl party and Kambree asked "Like normal families?" Yes, Kambree, like normal families but what my kids couldn't fathom was that we were having a party with just our family. Alex would ask if Brach was coming, Rylee assumed grandma and grandpa were coming-in fact my mom called concerned that we had no means to actually watch the Super Bowl and would we like to come to their house? What a nice mom.
I kept telling the kids "No just OUR family." But still they weren't getting it. Finally Alex asks "You mean just five kids and two parents?" YES!! He and Ry looked confused. Apparently you can't have a family party without aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents?
Anyway, we worked on Valentines and Valentine boxes that afternoon. Mixed up cookies and then served our spread right before the game started. It was so odd, we all sat there for the first half-laughing at the commercials-asking James questions about the rules and then Austin wandered off to do his homework, Alex lost interest and wanted to go shoot hoop's to which after much pleading I told him he could if he agreed to take a bath-I don't usually make him shower on Sunday's as he doesn't usually break a sweat but knowing if he went outside, he would. He agreed but decided it was too cold and came right back in so he and I started trying to put his science project together and James and the girls finished watching the game.
Our team won! We were for the Saints as James works with a bunch of guys from Louisiana and I proclaimed that we're Latter Day Saints so of course we're for the Saints! I thought that was sort of funny but no one else found it amusing.
I can see how people can really get into sports and teams and games but I'm really glad it's not a priority in our life. However, there was a moment right there the first with everyone in the same room, focused on the same thing that felt so cozy and relaxing. Maybe we'll try again next year.

Swear Words

Last night I finally watched Julie & Julia. Kambree saw it in the theater and gave it a horrible review-of course she doesn't cook or blog and has no idea who Julia Child's is-but friends of mine and my mother loved it so I borrowed it from my mom and watched last night while James went to a guy movie night with his brother and my brothers. Austin was gone for the evening so it was Dev, Ry, me and poor Alex-the lone boy. Kambree would pop her head in ever so often and ask if we hated it? Isn't it boring? No, we actually all liked it-even Alex laughed and seemed to understand it for the most part.
There's a part in the show where Julia Child's husband says the "F" word. We all groaned and Alex looked puzzled but said nothing.
I had gone over swear words with Alex a few weeks ago-much to the dismay of Rylee-who informed me I needed to repent for saying the actual words. I explained that it's impossible for Alex to actually know what swear words are if I just spell it or tell him "S-word" etc. So I did, I said all the swear words just so he'd be clear on what is unacceptable in our home. (I must confess that he's probably heard a few mild swear words from the lips of yours truly!) He's never had a problem and has said "heck" and "gosh" since he started speaking English. Last week he started saying "darn-it". (That and "time out" when ever he needs time to think of what he's trying to say.) He has mispronounced a few words that have come out sounding like swear words and of course his siblings are quick to laugh and correct him.
Anyway, so later in the show the main character hears that Julia Child's didn't care for her blog and she's trying to analyze why. She asks her husband that maybe it's because she used the "F" word a couple of times? Alex again looks puzzled and then asks,
"Mom, what "F" word? Fabulous??"
We all started laughing. It's true fabulous is a "F" word and one of Alex's favorite. Alex uses fabulous all the time in his daily speech and journal writing.
His first fabulous sentence was this:
"Today I was lettle skar to say sorry I was fantabelous"
We added fabulous to his dictionary and within the last couple of weeks here is how many times the fabulous word has cropped up in his writing:
I lake my mom she is fabulous
I ben fabulous yastaday.
I like my family they ar fabulous gass (guys)
I feel fabulous today.
I am having a fabulous today.
I like my fabulous family.
No, Alex, the "F" word is not fabulous! I hate to even tell him what it is-again. I think I'll just wait until the day when he blurts it or can say it himself? Or his siblings tattle on him? Won't that be fabulous?

American Math...

Alex asked me if I wanted to hear about his dream this morning.

Me: Sure
Alex: I dream about Bogdan (his cute little friend from the orphanage-that he refers to as his "little buddy") He get adopted, live close, like-ahhhh-(struggling with finding the word) neighbor? (Wow! Didn't know he knew that word!) I play with him, I teach him English, I teach him American Math.
Me: American Math?
Alex: Yes.
Me: The math here is different than it is in Ukraine?
Alex: Yes.
Me: (Baffled) No it's not. Math is the same everywhere. Did you learn how to add?
A: Yes
M: Subtract?
A: Yes
M: Multiply?
A: Yes.
Me: See? It's all the same, we all use the same numbers.
A: No! In Ukraine we no have 1/2 !
Me: Fractions? (laughing now) That's just because you hadn't learned fractions yet.
A: (nodding as the light dawns) Oh.....

I just had to show you!!

Oh my goodness....I'm giddy with excitment!
So, months ago I took a class from Grocery Smarts about how to save money on your grocery bill. I've been taking FOUR Sunday papers since the end of November to start my stock pile of coupons. I've saved a little here and there (a couple weeks ago I got Crest toothpaste for twenty five cents, DanActive for 88 cents but nothing that amazing.)
BUT TODAY LOOK WHAT I GOT.....

$154.43 worth of grocery's for $51.99!!!
Can you believe it?

Oh my goodness! It was so exhilarating! Like a sport!
Just had to share....

Following my heart.....

Lunch today was so therapeutic. It might sound as if we get together and complain about our adopted children but really we just compare notes and it buoy's us up to hear that other children cry, melt, stomp, hate to study, etc...
I go home feeling fortunate that I have Alex and I'm sure each of my friends go home feeling the same way about their children.
When we decided to adopt, we didn't research "post adoption" issues. I knew nothing about RAD or attachment disorders, I didn't follow any blogs that talked about acclimating or how difficult it would be to teach a child at the age of ten the things you've taught your other children from birth. Nope. I just jumped in heart first.
I knew Alex was suppose to be part of our family and I focused on dossiers, airfare, how much this would cost and where the money would come from. I didn't think about real life after the adoption. The adjusting, the family dynamics, the details of reality.
I took some time a few days ago to go back and read where I was last year at this time, the anticipation, the worry, the connection I felt with Alex half a world away and I was so grateful I recorded all my feelings and experiences. I needed to remind myself how hard I worked and how much I wanted this. I also like to look back and read about when we hosted him and his first weeks home and see how far we've come.
So truth be told-the first few months were hell, with the thought, "What was I thinking?" running continually through my head. It was not easy and I found myself doing a lot of soul searching and realizing that I was not the loving, accepting, wonderful person that I thought I was. This little boy, so dependent on me was giving me claustrophobia. I actually had feelings of dread when he'd wake up in the morning. Seriously. I was sure I'd made a terrible mistake but I didn't want to tell anyone as I-and really I alone-had made this mistake.
Adopting isn't like getting a dog from the pound. This is a person. A little neglected person that followed me half way around the world and left all that he knows-be it good or bad-and is trusting me to love him and teach him and show him the way. I was seriously doubting my ability to love and care for this boy in those first few months. He was just so...foreign? He always seemed so angry, so selfish, so hyper vigilant about who got what, who went where, when none of it was his business. He was so needy and seemed to be everywhere, always demanding my attention or monopolizing James. He didn't seem to like anyone but James and I. He wouldn't participate, open up, or entertain himself. He expected to instantly have all the worldly possessions that everyone else had, DS, I-pods, cell phones. What we had provided just didn't seem enough. It was killing me that we'd spend almost 30K, provided him with his own room, clothes, a home a family and all he wanted was more! He didn't even smell like my other children. He wouldn't talk to me and didn't try and would cry, pout and sulk over the simplest tasks and events. Like being "it" in hide-n- go seek, getting tagged in flag football, being asked to take a bath and even worse....use soap?? Really simple basic things.
Nine months later, things are so much better. He still struggles to control his tears-cried when he lost a game of Halo to Austin last weekend-but he's finally fitting and doesn't seem so foreign. He's figuring out how to be a sibling, has friends, knows the rules, tries-most the time-with his homework and has figured out that taking a bath and using soap is easier than getting back in three times. He laughs, sings, whistles, tries to tell jokes, talk about his dreams, climbs on my lap and sighs with his head tucked against my shoulder and yes, I even know and love his smell. (As long as he remembers to use soap!) That's not to say life's a piece of cake but everyday we take a few steps forward and less steps backwards.
People ask, if you had known all this prior would you do it again? If you had asked me three to five months ago-my answer would have been NO WAY! But that's like asking a woman who just delivered a ten pound baby after 30 hours of labor if she's planning on having more children. At the moment? NO!! But like the woman who gave birth-since I actually have been that woman and repeated the whole pregnancy/birth ordeal four times-time heals so much and memories get fuzzy and so today, my answer is Yes! Yes, of course I would! I went half way around the world to find this little boy and jumped through all those international adoption hoops, and paid all that money and I'm so glad I did. I followed my heart!
We had the missionary's over for our last new member lesson and Alex insisted I sit by him. "Mom you sit be me so you translate."
"Alex, they're speaking English. I'm not translating."
But he was right, each time the missionary's would say something and I could tell Alex wasn't getting it, I'd relate a story or incident that he could relate to until he understood what they were saying. Towards the end of our discussion , the missionary's asked if he planned on serving a mission. (This is a hard concept for Alex as he JUST found a family and home and the idea of leaving for two years seems a little overwhelming-I think.) He told them he would go if his mom could come translate. Ha! I jokingly asked what we would do if we got called to Ukraine and he rolled his eyes and sighed, "Oh great." As he knew I wouldn't be any help translating in Ukraine!
Last night he asked if I could carry him like a baby to bed. I think it was more of a challenge than an actually need to be carried like a baby. Luckily for me, he weighs very little AND I work out at the gym regularly so I did carry him to bed. He wanted to talk. Mostly about his birthday. When I told him it wasn't July yet he decided to ask me questions about myself. "When you born Mom?" then before I could answer he asked "No, tell me Austin born." So I shared stories about Austin when he was a a baby and toddler. Alex laughed and laughed. Twenty-eight minutes later I told him he had to go to sleep. "No Mom. I want talk you more." "You can talk to me more tomorrow!" Five months ago, I never thought I'd be saying that!
I'm so glad I hung in there and that I did follow my heart. He's our boy. It just took awhile to find him under all that hurt, language barrier and institutionalized upbringing.
To those of you struggling with the same I wish you patience, empathy and please know that you can vent/cry/let it out with me anytime!
Thanks again for lunch my friends!

Hodgpodge of January Pics....

My really curly hair....

Kambree heading to Snow for Snowblast!

Devree in her nerd glasses

Quilting at the Humanitarian Center

Alex asleep in front of the fire with his head in the dog bed!

Jazmine and Rylee squishing Chance!

Our new leather couches!

Devree's impromptu marshmallow roasting party in our driveway

Celebrating Rylee and James (upcoming) birthday at the family party on Sunday

We put on 26 & 1/2 candles-which is an average of their ages!