Past Punishments

I hesitate to post this entry.

After long thought and consideration and the enlightenment I received after learning these things I am going to post in hopes that those of you who have adopted from orphanages and are unaware-like myself-can better understand the environment that these children grew up in.

It makes me sad and terribly angry and it makes all my mama bear hairs stand up on end.

A friend of mine-that adopted from the same orphanage and our children are similar in age- called me earlier this week and shared some information her daughters had shared about punishments at the orphanage. Alex is not one to bring up much about his past and would just as soon forget about it, I'm sure. But these punishments were so bizarre I had to ask Alex what he knew about it.

Apparently a young girl-not my friends daughter-thank heavens-was caught doing something with a boy she shouldn't have and her punishment was to walk through her class room in her underwear while her classmates spit on her. Can you imagine?

So, I ask Alex what he knows and he acknowledged the punishment and said it was because "she was in love". (I don't think he knew about the sexual nature of her crime? Not sure. He seems so very innocent and yet I know he's been exposed to so much bad stuff.)

Then he started sharing some of his past punishments. He apparently "blew gum into a girls ear"-I know, not nice-and for that he had to wear his underwear on his head and walk naked through his classmates. NAKED!! He told me he covered himself with his hands.

Then there was a time he didn't use soap in the shower (imagine that?) and someone smelled him and told him to pack his things and leave. He was probably about eight years old. He was picked up just outside of Dnepropetrovsk by someone from the orphanage. Dnepropetrovsk is a 4o minute bus ride through a not so great area. He was heading to his brothers houses.

Then he told me how he got hit with a stick with poky things on it and it made punctures in his bottom-this was for putting toothpaste on some one's bread at lunch-a prank.

He told me his friends were hit with whips and one boy had to wear every one's underwear on his head for a punishment.

He said the worse punishment is to "stand outside on hot metal where you feet burn". (Not sure what he's talking about here.) But that he never had it happen to him.

He also mentioned that in the previous orphanage he was picked up by his ears, jostled around by his ears and the dropped on the ground. He showed me the back of his ear where he has this bump of cartilage that pokes out. No doubt from this punishment. The offense? Drawing a picture with four eyes and three mouths? (What the heck?)

He had shared previously the time he was forced to kneel in salt for hours and had bloody knees-he said that was for reading when he should have been napping. (Is that why we struggle to read now?) and once he mentioned he didn't get his Christmas candy on Christmas Day-his only gift-for being somewhere he wasn't suppose to be.

Last night while writing in his journal he couldn't think of a thing to write so I mentioned maybe he should write about his past. Maybe about his punishments.

Why?

So you won't forget?

"Oh I never forget....they hurt so bad!"

Yep, I am sure he won't forget-as much as he'd like to and as much as I'd like to erase his past.

I explained to him that I know he doesn't like to talk about the orphanage but it helps me understand him and that maybe I can help him if I understand what he went through.
Then last night we were trying to reminisce with Alex about when we hosted him. He can't remember much. He claims he didn't know we were going to adopt him-even though we had the translator/adoption coordinator talk with him and explain things. He said he never thought he'd see us again. He realized we were going to adopt him after he got back and got called down to the directors office with the other girls getting adopted and asked if he wanted to be adopted. I asked if he wanted to read my blog about when we hosted him. "No, I don't want to remember." James jumped on that with "He doesn't want to remember the orphanage. He just wants to pretend he always lived here. Right buddy?" and he tousled Alex's hair. Alex grinned but shook his head no. Which may be because he didn't understand what James was saying?
I can understand that he doesn't want to always remember his past, but I think there is so much he keeps bottled up and he has such a hard time expressing himself but I changed the subject. I told him about a girl I know-adopted from Ukraine, that felt so bad that her mother made her shoplift for food when she was little and how excited she was to be getting baptized and washed clean. I explained that this little girl wasn't at fault-her mother made her do it and that she shouldn't have been made to feel guilty for shoplifting when she was so little but how great it is to feel clean when you're baptized and know that everything-even the things that are not your fault-is washed away. Then Alex's eyes got big and he shared how his Ukraine mom made him steal bread.

"She say get bread, tomatoes and cucumbers but I get bread and candy."

What did your mom do?

She slap me.

How often did you have to steal bread?

Just once. Once a week.

How old where you?

Four.
See what I mean? Lot's of stuff bottled up.

So what have your children shared with you about their previous orphanage life? What bizarre punishments have you heard of? Do your children talk about it much? Do you think it's good to have them talk about it? I'm not sure-does it just bring up the hurt or does it heal? It certainly helps me have more empathy and understanding but part of me doesn't want to know-to remain oblivious. Obliviously naive. Your thoughts and input & suggestions would be greatly appreciated.