You know....I wasn't too sure I should have posted that blog about past punishments. But I was so appalled and as I know so many from Alex's same school-I felt they should know what went on there. Of course not ALL orphanages are like this one. And let's hope these were isolated incidents-like only Alex's teacher was in to public humiliation as a form of punishment-I don't know. And maybe I shouldn't have posted it, but for what it's worth-I did.
Thanks for all the advice comments. I will take them to heart.
This morning Alex got up early and asked me some interesting questions.
Mom will I have normal life?
Wife or life? (I couldn't tell which he was asking.)
Life!
Alex, you can have any life you want. It's up to you. You can let the things in the past haunt you and bother you or you can choose to move forward and realize that you had a rough start but you're going to be okay and make the best of it.
Oh.
Lot's of people have had bad things happen to them. But each person has a choice to either dwell on it or put it behind them. Of course you should talk about it when you feel like it and maybe you will need some help to put it behind you, but you can have any life you choose. Do you think you have a normal life now?
Yes. (Grinning)
Then without a pause and a twinkle in his eye he asks:
What kind of wife I have?
Wife?
(Nod)
Well... I don't know what kind of wife do you want?
I don't know.
You should figure it out. Do you want a nice or mean wife?
Ahh...cute and mean-no-nice.
Is it more important to have a cute wife or a nice wife?
Nice. (Good boy!)
Yep, you want a wife that will be a kind mother and good wife. Cute is good too but not as important as nice. Don't you think?
(Nod) Then:
When Austin move to other house with wife?
Austin? I don't know, he's only 15.
I move twenty.
You're going to get married and move out when your twenty? (Nod) That's really young.
Whats young?
And then we had a vocabulary lesson on what young means.
Twenty is young?
(Of course, I'm sure it sounds SO old to him right now!)
Yes. You'll be barely out of high school. How will you support your family? What about college and a mission.
Oh.
Then we talked briefly about what normal is and that really, no one is normal.
He left for school with sticking up hair. I usually re-do his hair every day as he just hasn't grasped the concept that he has a backside to his head and the hair there needs to be combed. I took him into the bathroom to show him the alfalfa sprout on the back of his head and he said, "Who cares?" Apparently only me! I told him if he was okay with his hair looking like that then that was up to him and I walked out of the bathroom. I did say if he asked me I'd be happy to fix it but he was happy and content to go with crazy sticking up hair. Oh...the restraint I exercised letting him leave that way. Which is not to say I didn't try some reverse psychology tricks to get him to reconsider but he happily went to school looking like AN ORPHAN!!
I realize this is MY issue and not Alex's. I spend a lot of time and effort getting Alex to appear loved and cared for. I won't let him wear dirty, worn, mismatched or too small clothes. I insist on daily baths, hair combings, teeth brushing, nail clipping etc. It's not that I don't insist on those things with my other children-I do! But I'm extra vigilant with Alex as he already has so many obstacles to overcome with language and culture that I don't want appearance/cleanliness/social acceptance to be another. We all know kids either in our children's classes or our own childhood that came to school dirty, mismatched, hair disheveled, smelly, dirt under their fingernails-uncared for. I remember a boy (that in hindsight was severely neglected) in second grade that I was partnered with as my buddy for the Zoo field trip. The teacher took me aside and told me that she had partnered me with him because she knew I had a kind heart. Yes, that's how bad his situation was-so much that the teacher had to prep the child that was assigned to hold hands with him. I did hold his very cold, skinny, dirty, malnourished, hand all through the zoo and I felt bad.... for both of us.
Alex reminded me a lot of this boy when he was at the orphanage and I know this thing I have about his appearance is something I need to deal with. So I think a little congrats are in order for me today! I let him go to school today with poking up hair!
But look how dang cute he is when I DO comb his hair and select his clothes!
This was taken last October on his baptism day.
This morning Alex got up early and asked me some interesting questions.
Mom will I have normal life?
Wife or life? (I couldn't tell which he was asking.)
Life!
Alex, you can have any life you want. It's up to you. You can let the things in the past haunt you and bother you or you can choose to move forward and realize that you had a rough start but you're going to be okay and make the best of it.
Oh.
Lot's of people have had bad things happen to them. But each person has a choice to either dwell on it or put it behind them. Of course you should talk about it when you feel like it and maybe you will need some help to put it behind you, but you can have any life you choose. Do you think you have a normal life now?
Yes. (Grinning)
Then without a pause and a twinkle in his eye he asks:
What kind of wife I have?
Wife?
(Nod)
Well... I don't know what kind of wife do you want?
I don't know.
You should figure it out. Do you want a nice or mean wife?
Ahh...cute and mean-no-nice.
Is it more important to have a cute wife or a nice wife?
Nice. (Good boy!)
Yep, you want a wife that will be a kind mother and good wife. Cute is good too but not as important as nice. Don't you think?
(Nod) Then:
When Austin move to other house with wife?
Austin? I don't know, he's only 15.
I move twenty.
You're going to get married and move out when your twenty? (Nod) That's really young.
Whats young?
And then we had a vocabulary lesson on what young means.
Twenty is young?
(Of course, I'm sure it sounds SO old to him right now!)
Yes. You'll be barely out of high school. How will you support your family? What about college and a mission.
Oh.
Then we talked briefly about what normal is and that really, no one is normal.
He left for school with sticking up hair. I usually re-do his hair every day as he just hasn't grasped the concept that he has a backside to his head and the hair there needs to be combed. I took him into the bathroom to show him the alfalfa sprout on the back of his head and he said, "Who cares?" Apparently only me! I told him if he was okay with his hair looking like that then that was up to him and I walked out of the bathroom. I did say if he asked me I'd be happy to fix it but he was happy and content to go with crazy sticking up hair. Oh...the restraint I exercised letting him leave that way. Which is not to say I didn't try some reverse psychology tricks to get him to reconsider but he happily went to school looking like AN ORPHAN!!
I realize this is MY issue and not Alex's. I spend a lot of time and effort getting Alex to appear loved and cared for. I won't let him wear dirty, worn, mismatched or too small clothes. I insist on daily baths, hair combings, teeth brushing, nail clipping etc. It's not that I don't insist on those things with my other children-I do! But I'm extra vigilant with Alex as he already has so many obstacles to overcome with language and culture that I don't want appearance/cleanliness/social acceptance to be another. We all know kids either in our children's classes or our own childhood that came to school dirty, mismatched, hair disheveled, smelly, dirt under their fingernails-uncared for. I remember a boy (that in hindsight was severely neglected) in second grade that I was partnered with as my buddy for the Zoo field trip. The teacher took me aside and told me that she had partnered me with him because she knew I had a kind heart. Yes, that's how bad his situation was-so much that the teacher had to prep the child that was assigned to hold hands with him. I did hold his very cold, skinny, dirty, malnourished, hand all through the zoo and I felt bad.... for both of us.
Alex reminded me a lot of this boy when he was at the orphanage and I know this thing I have about his appearance is something I need to deal with. So I think a little congrats are in order for me today! I let him go to school today with poking up hair!
But look how dang cute he is when I DO comb his hair and select his clothes!
This was taken last October on his baptism day.
6 of my blog friends said something...:
He IS so very cute and unorphan looking! So funny. We talked about the word "young" and "younger" just this morning.
3 cheers for you! Yup. It is your issue, and the most awesome thing is that you recognized it.
But, it's also your job to teach him enough for it to become his.
As for your post yesterday, do NOT have regrets about posting it. People need to be aware of it. They need to understand WHY these kids NEED to be adopted - and those who already have adopted need to understand what type of stuff their kids are really dealing with and that love alone won't fix it.
Unfortunatley, I believe that most orphanages ARE more like this than not. There are good people who do care about the kids at all of them, but in reality, they are powerless to change the tide of people who don't care, who thoughtlessly abuse kids, who are only there for the meger paycheck, and who treat these kids as 2nd class citizens. In many cases, they are also powerless to protect the kids from their wrath. They don't have "whistle blower protection laws" like we have here. If they blow the whistle, these people who have nothing as it is and struggle to maintain what they do have lose their jobs and are run out of town.
I also believe that MANY of these "good" places put on a really good show for adoptive parents. I know for sure that my younger son's orphanage did this. They appeared to be so caring and take such good care of the kids...and for many people, that WAS them and that was their reality. But my son still carries a lot of nasty scars from that place.
Congrats for ralxing abt the hair do! He is a handsmoe boy! You are a great mom with great conversations with your boy!
that was such a sweet story ! Love reading them all.... You are a fascinating person ! love ya !
You and your family are awesome and we are so happy that Alex is a part of it! And becuase of this, he has a very bright future! I completely agree with both of Diana's comments. I, too, don't think you made a mistake by posting about the punishments. How can we help these children if we don't understand the help they need? You are doing a great job and I am glad that you are willing to share!
He is such a charming looking boy- and I love reading y'alls conversations.
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