Send Me Back

Just when I think we're home free. 

Making strides. 

Moving forward.

POW!
We had an incident with Alex yesterday saying he had done his chores when he really hadn't. Which is nothing out of the ordinary - just a reoccurring thing that happens at least a couple times a month. So silly because the neglected jobs take all of two minutes. The worst is when confronted about it, he continues to lie and proclaim the job is done and then when you show him the cold hard evidence - be it the unused toilet brush, dirty stairs, or bone dry outside water barrels -  he hangs his head in defeat. 

But yesterday, was different.

Upon me finding these skipped jobs AND already paying him for them, he had to return the dollar per job and then I asked him what should we do about this? This keeps happening and I don't know what to do? 

He bursts out with "Send me back to the orphanage!" and then covers his head with his arms and sobs.

Now you may find me heartless but this is so unacceptable to me. Really? Send you back to the orphanage? This is a cope out attitude. He is giving up. He struggles with telling lies and we've walked this path so many times that he's just decided that he can't tell the truth and the only solution is to send him back to the orphanage? (This sort of floored me because NEVER has he ever talked about going back to Ukraine. Never.) 

I asked if that is what he wants?

Yes.

"Okay then. Go pack your bags."

He stomps up to his room and promptly comes down with a packed bag. Upon realizing that I wasn't going to be footing the bill and/or letting him take my bag, or helping in anyway he decided he will just leave with nothing but the clothes on his back. I stopped him and asked him he knew which direction to go? He didn't but he thinks he can get to the airport.  I asked him how he would pay for an airline ticket. He has $53 dollars. I explained that the cost will be closer to $1200. Then he told me he'd walk. I explained he cannot walk, there is a big body of water between here and Ukraine. He told me he'd swim. 

Okay, enough was enough.

I made him sit down with me and I explained that he is not going back to the orphanage, that he is our son and we cannot simply send him back. If he would like to go into the American foster care system, we could arrange that. He could live with a new family that would be paid to take care of him - like my sister takes care of Lloyd. Would he like that?

No.

Then I told him how he was giving up on himself. That announcing he should go back to the orphanage was just a wimps way out. That he has the power to stop lying but he will have to dig deep.  I of course say a lot of other things, give examples and stories, he just hide's his head in his arms and lays in the corner of the couch.

I ask him what he can do to make things better and he suggests do the jobs without being paid but then starts wailing again. 

Oh my.

I try to hold him. He doesn't want to "hug" or "snuggle" because he is not a baby and it makes him feel like a "lame-o" .  I explain that he is more like a baby then he would like to believe and that he is MY baby, just like all my children are MY babies. That everyone needs to be held and comforted when they're hurting like this. He sits stiff in my arms. He is unbending in his will. He won't talk about how he feels, or what he's thinking. He is like a little Ukraine robot. He tells me he will never talk about his feelings. I tell him how swallowing anger and keeping it inside is not healthy. He doesn't care. He just lays there stiff and angry.

I am getting no where.

I give up and let him go but inform him that he is going with us to the ward camp-out dinner. (He had been scheming to stay home and play video games Which I was okay with until I realized that this was another lie. That he had plans with a certain neighbor boy to play X-box when said neighbor boy was going to be up at the ward camp out too. He had no plans. He was just lying.) I explained I couldn't trust him to stay here on his own so he would be coming with us. He huffs around doing his missed jobs like a robot, then we all get in the car.

He refused to talk the whole way there.

When we get there, two girls his age greet him kindly "Hey Alex! Good to see you!" and BAM! The Alex we know and love is back. He plays with his friends, romps through the forest, tells jokes and stories. And then later sits around the fire by James and I and tells me that he is talking to me now.

He doesn't want to talk about anything that happened of course. He just wants to go back to talking to me in general. He's doing the thing he always does. Just pretending everything is normal and all is well. 

James told me  earlier to just stop talking to him about his lying. Give him the consequence and just stop talking. He's not listening. Nothing is changing. I'm thinking that might be the best idea right now, since I'm not getting anywhere with all my object lessons and examples. I am just wasting my breath and it's hurting my heart.

Wish I could just let things go back to normal like Alex but it's hard.  He hurts my heart every time he lies to me but this "send me back to the orphanage" was a particular big hurt. I'm trying to be the adult/bigger person/mom here and think about his situation. He feels that he'll never overcoming his issues with lying so he DESERVES to live back at the orphanage and that this is about him and not me and his lack of self worth. The realistic, logical part of me knows this. But it still hurts.  

AND I don't know how to help him with this. I know he's going through a rough time just in general as he grows from a boy to a man (all those hormone changes) and I know he doesn't have the skills and experience to talk through and figure out his feelings. He just refuses to let out what is bottled up inside of him and when he does? When he finally tries to tell me what is bothering him and I think "OK this is it, he's going to really make a break through" he then whine's about how he doesn't get to play video games enough. (He gets to play on Friday nights after dinner until ten pm. I cannot police video gaming during the week and it seems to be the thing we argue over more than anything.  He has absolutely no self control over policing himself and he cannot focus on homework, chores, or even family responsibilities when video gaming time is available.) And video gaming issues is the ONLY THING he ever wants to talk about. 

*Sigh*

If I thought he could be successful as a lying, broken English, video game playing adult then I'd have no worries! 

But I am hoping he'll amount to more than that.

I see such great potential and yet he's just throwing his hands in the air, willing to go back to the orphanage. The life that taught him to lie, cheat and bottle up his feelings. The life that he so desperately wants to leave behind and has worked so hard at overcoming he is willing to return to in defeat.

Give me strength.....