Hum....I don't really know if anyone is following along with me but just in case you are, here's the link for what was going on last year during our adoption process:
It's really good for me to re-read these post and see just how far Alex has come. I get discouraged sometimes as he just doesn't seem to WANT to learn. He just wants to get by. I'm a stickler at making him write in his journal daily and I've realized he can write and structure sentences better on paper then he can orally. It's because we usually can guess or figure out what he's saying. The other night he was trying to tell me something and I was trying to get him to say it in a proper sentence structure and Rylee interrupted with a "Mom, you know what he's trying to say!" True. I do. But outside of our family I don't think Alex is very understood and us giving him the words, making up the difference and assuming correctly is not going to help him improve his language skills.
When I read back on my posts and see how he fought me about learning English from the beginning I should have realized the up hill battle I was walking into. Just this weekend we had a BIG talk. Or should I say, I had a lot to say and Alex just had to listen. I didn't mince words or talk sweet. I was tired of fighting him about learning, tired of his constant concern in matters that are not of his concern, tired of his pathetic work ethic in daily chores, tired of his feeling sorry for himself. The talk started when Rylee woke up and Alex without saying good morning or letting her wake up announced, "Midnight gone forever!' Knowing full well this statement would upset Rylee. (Yes, we have given our cat to my brother on a trial bases and with any luck she will be gone forever-but she'll be so much more happy living apart from Ella and I will be so much happier not hearing her mew at three in the morning!)
After me saying in a not so nice way that Midnight is happier with Troy and we should be happy for her and I didn't say FOREVER. I said for now. And who knows? Maybe she'll be back if Zach has allergies or Troy takes an out of town job. Then I asked Alex why he'd say such a thing to Rylee. Was he trying to make her feel bad? Yes. (Picture steam coming out my ears!) I sent him upstairs to get ready for the day and for me time to cool off.
It just happened to be Saturday the one year anniversary of our court date. We have officially been Alex's parents for ONE year.
I went upstairs and reminded him of this date last year and then asked:
Why did you want to come to America?
Alex shrugs and says: Better than getting punched.
(Apparently, he got hit a lot by his teachers-not that I condone hitting but based on his study habits, lack of enthusiasm for school and always wanting to have fun, fun, fun, I don't doubt he was hit a lot!)
Anything else?
Big kids take my things.
That's it?
He can't think of anything else.
(Sigh from me)
We talked about all the things he's had to learn since being here, all the responsibility's he had, learning English etc and would he still want to come to America after knowing what it's really like?
Yes.
(Whew!)
Then I talked to him about how his nose is in everyone's business except his own. He has to know where everyone is, what their doing, what their eating etc. He has to know when we're eating, what we're eating, when we're eating again. I understand he's been deprived in the past, that if he missed a meal he didn't get anything, that if he wasn't one time, in the right place he missed out but since I've been his mom-for a year now-has he ever gone hungry?
No.
Had he ever missed a meal?
No.
Have I ever left him somewhere?
No.
Have I ever left him home?
No.
Then I told him how it makes me feel bad that after all this time he can't trust me to take care of him. That he needs to just be a kid and worry about Alex and Alex's responsibilities. Like his school work, his chores, his cleanliness, playing with friends. He needs to stay out of everyone else's business and let me be his mom and take care of him.
We've come up with a code phrase, "Be a kid" for the times he's sticking his nose in other business or worrying about things that kids don't need to worry about. It's working pretty good. He's caught himself a few times worry about what Rylee's doing, and then said "Never mind. No my business" and I've had to use our code phrase a few times.
Here's a little food story:
On our trip all the kids were asleep in the van and Alex was in the very back. I opened James a peanut roll very quietly and Alex woke right up with a "What I smell?" Seriously. He woke out of a dead sleep in the back of the van from getting a whiff of candy bar from the front seat. The smell WOKE HIM UP!
He's always watches how much I dish up for each person, who has more, who's getting what. It's exasperating! He can eat non stop if I'd let him. Seriously, he cannot possibly be hungry-it's jut that the novelty of having food available at any given time has not worn off. And he eats when he can't think of anything else to do OR if anyone else is eating he needs to join them. Which with six other people coming and going and bringing teenage friends over, someone is always eating!!
I do have to give credit where credit is due. Of all my children Alex is the most eager to help. This morning I asked him to grab me some potatoes from the downstairs fridge-I was putting beef stew in the crock pot. He happily went down and then asked if he could get me anything else. I sent him back down for some canned goods and then he offered to open them for me. He's like that. I joke that this is the son that will take care of me in my old age-he's very thoughtful and loving and willing to help.
Last Saturday he fixed my little dressing table stool in my bathroom. He took it on himself to replace the missing screws and tighten it up and he did a fabulous job. His job was to actually sweep and mop the bathroom floors-he didn't do that so great-but he noticed my wobbly chair and fixed it!
And as James pointed out, Alex is the best in our family at being corrected. He's corrected many times a day and he just say's okay. Sometimes he just say's okay and then will repeat the offense again but most the times he tries to correct himself.
I have to hand it to Alex. It's got to be hard. Little did he know that coming to American he would not only have to learn English but he's had to learn:
a whole new culture
how to be a son and brother
how to share his parents,
to give up lying and cheating,
family rules and expectations,
consistant studying & schooling
a better work ethic,
social graces,
proper etiquette,
improved personal hygiene,
and much more,
when all he wanted to do was come to America to avoid getting punched!
Here's where we were with this brown shirt boy last year:
