Hum....I don't really know if anyone is following along with me but just in case you are, here's the link for what was going on last year during our adoption process:
It's really good for me to re-read these post and see just how far Alex has come. I get discouraged sometimes as he just doesn't seem to WANT to learn. He just wants to get by. I'm a stickler at making him write in his journal daily and I've realized he can write and structure sentences better on paper then he can orally. It's because we usually can guess or figure out what he's saying. The other night he was trying to tell me something and I was trying to get him to say it in a proper sentence structure and Rylee interrupted with a "Mom, you know what he's trying to say!" True. I do. But outside of our family I don't think Alex is very understood and us giving him the words, making up the difference and assuming correctly is not going to help him improve his language skills.
When I read back on my posts and see how he fought me about learning English from the beginning I should have realized the up hill battle I was walking into. Just this weekend we had a BIG talk. Or should I say, I had a lot to say and Alex just had to listen. I didn't mince words or talk sweet. I was tired of fighting him about learning, tired of his constant concern in matters that are not of his concern, tired of his pathetic work ethic in daily chores, tired of his feeling sorry for himself. The talk started when Rylee woke up and Alex without saying good morning or letting her wake up announced, "Midnight gone forever!' Knowing full well this statement would upset Rylee. (Yes, we have given our cat to my brother on a trial bases and with any luck she will be gone forever-but she'll be so much more happy living apart from Ella and I will be so much happier not hearing her mew at three in the morning!)
After me saying in a not so nice way that Midnight is happier with Troy and we should be happy for her and I didn't say FOREVER. I said for now. And who knows? Maybe she'll be back if Zach has allergies or Troy takes an out of town job. Then I asked Alex why he'd say such a thing to Rylee. Was he trying to make her feel bad? Yes. (Picture steam coming out my ears!) I sent him upstairs to get ready for the day and for me time to cool off.
It just happened to be Saturday the one year anniversary of our court date. We have officially been Alex's parents for ONE year.
I went upstairs and reminded him of this date last year and then asked:
Why did you want to come to America?
Alex shrugs and says: Better than getting punched.
(Apparently, he got hit a lot by his teachers-not that I condone hitting but based on his study habits, lack of enthusiasm for school and always wanting to have fun, fun, fun, I don't doubt he was hit a lot!)
Anything else?
Big kids take my things.
That's it?
He can't think of anything else.
(Sigh from me)
We talked about all the things he's had to learn since being here, all the responsibility's he had, learning English etc and would he still want to come to America after knowing what it's really like?
Yes.
(Whew!)
Then I talked to him about how his nose is in everyone's business except his own. He has to know where everyone is, what their doing, what their eating etc. He has to know when we're eating, what we're eating, when we're eating again. I understand he's been deprived in the past, that if he missed a meal he didn't get anything, that if he wasn't one time, in the right place he missed out but since I've been his mom-for a year now-has he ever gone hungry?
No.
Had he ever missed a meal?
No.
Have I ever left him somewhere?
No.
Have I ever left him home?
No.
Then I told him how it makes me feel bad that after all this time he can't trust me to take care of him. That he needs to just be a kid and worry about Alex and Alex's responsibilities. Like his school work, his chores, his cleanliness, playing with friends. He needs to stay out of everyone else's business and let me be his mom and take care of him.
We've come up with a code phrase, "Be a kid" for the times he's sticking his nose in other business or worrying about things that kids don't need to worry about. It's working pretty good. He's caught himself a few times worry about what Rylee's doing, and then said "Never mind. No my business" and I've had to use our code phrase a few times.
Here's a little food story:
On our trip all the kids were asleep in the van and Alex was in the very back. I opened James a peanut roll very quietly and Alex woke right up with a "What I smell?" Seriously. He woke out of a dead sleep in the back of the van from getting a whiff of candy bar from the front seat. The smell WOKE HIM UP!
He's always watches how much I dish up for each person, who has more, who's getting what. It's exasperating! He can eat non stop if I'd let him. Seriously, he cannot possibly be hungry-it's jut that the novelty of having food available at any given time has not worn off. And he eats when he can't think of anything else to do OR if anyone else is eating he needs to join them. Which with six other people coming and going and bringing teenage friends over, someone is always eating!!
I do have to give credit where credit is due. Of all my children Alex is the most eager to help. This morning I asked him to grab me some potatoes from the downstairs fridge-I was putting beef stew in the crock pot. He happily went down and then asked if he could get me anything else. I sent him back down for some canned goods and then he offered to open them for me. He's like that. I joke that this is the son that will take care of me in my old age-he's very thoughtful and loving and willing to help.
Last Saturday he fixed my little dressing table stool in my bathroom. He took it on himself to replace the missing screws and tighten it up and he did a fabulous job. His job was to actually sweep and mop the bathroom floors-he didn't do that so great-but he noticed my wobbly chair and fixed it!
And as James pointed out, Alex is the best in our family at being corrected. He's corrected many times a day and he just say's okay. Sometimes he just say's okay and then will repeat the offense again but most the times he tries to correct himself.
I have to hand it to Alex. It's got to be hard. Little did he know that coming to American he would not only have to learn English but he's had to learn:
a whole new culture
how to be a son and brother
how to share his parents,
to give up lying and cheating,
family rules and expectations,
consistant studying & schooling
a better work ethic,
social graces,
proper etiquette,
improved personal hygiene,
and much more,
when all he wanted to do was come to America to avoid getting punched!
10 of my blog friends said something...:
So many times we overlook how hard this journey really is for our kids..and how hard it continues to be for them. The scars of trauma don't just go away once they come to loving homes, either. There is so much that they missed - both congatively and emotionally...so much that they really and truly don't know and don't understand.
I bet if you asked him, you'd also find out you still sound a lot more like Charlie Brown's teacher than someone he can actually understand. Ugh! More than two years home, my son still tested at non-english speaking for ESL. Going on 3 years later, my youngest just failed his recent speech test because his vocabulary and articulation are still way too low for his age.
Alex sounds like Leader. Very much. Same food stuff, same helpfulness, same response to being corrected, same repulsion to learning. Or maybe indifference. It's amazing to me to read what goes on with Alex. It gives me insight to my kid. Sometimes I think Leader feels like he has to earn his keep. I didn't think that until we got his bio sis and she will always do something for me after I do something for her. I wonder if that's part of it or not.
No, that's not the Tawnya. The Tawnya I was thinking of was only about 10 or 11. I honestly think Michael and I would have taken her (our trip in June) if she had been available. Her dad is around, but we understood termination of his rights was imminent. I can so relate to your blog today. The lack of social know-how is our issue right now. He just doesn't know boundaries when it comes to touching, teasing, and being overly playful. I'm sure his scout leaders think he's so weird. I guess he's had no adult example of how to act around others. He inappropriately attaches to adults who hardly know him, and he can be really obnoxious. Remind me to tell you about the clothes story at lunch tomorrow.
Another thought. The things you mentioned are soooooo like my Alex. If the day isn't filled with fun, fun, fun, it's a bad day, and he vocalizes what a bad day it is and how boring everything is. I think his favorite word is "boring." Oh, he hates to study and work. It's push, push, push. My biggest worry, Wendy, is that he hasn't made any friends at school or in the neighborhood. He relies completely on Quinn for friends, and I'm afraid Quinn's friends simply don't like Alex. Simple as that. And I almost wish he had the eating problem. His problem is NOT eating. He dislikes so many foods but REALLY likes to eat candy, then won't eat meals.
I have to fight Katya too when it comes to English and Math. I know that she doesn't like being behind all the other kids but yet she really doesn't want to put forth a lot of effort either. It is so frustrating!
Lori-Yeah that fun all the time thing really gets on my nerves. I've told Alex, I didn't bring you here for just fun and games. I brought you here to be part of our family. I've actually started making him write a 'My blessings" page in the front of his journal. I make him write about the things he has HERE that he didn't have in Ukraine. One thing a day. One day he wrote "I have journal in American. I didn't have journal in Ukraine' I'm not sure that is a blessing. BUT the point is I need him to realize just how much more he DOES have. He's always letting us know that he doesn't have an Ipod or he doesn't have this or that. Since starting this-last week-I think things are improving. He's wrote things like, I didn't have presents, I didn't have cousins, I didn't have fun Easter. I'm pretty tough on him. I make him come up with it. He'll ask me, 'Mom help me my blessings?" Nope. You have to figure it out for yourself.
As far as the friend thing. Alex has always had his cousin Brach. Like Quinn-they sort of have to be friends. BUT Alex wasn't a fun friend at first. It took him at least three months before he'd be willing to play with Brach on his own and not in a family setting. And a good six months before he'd play with other boys in the neighborhood. He's got many friends now but often prefers to hang out at home....doing nothing. But he's learning that out of sight out of mind with regards to homework so he does try to go play with friends when there's homework looming.
On a side note:
I've decided for family night, we're all going to start thankful journals. Each day just write ONE thing we're thankful for and we cannot repeat anything. I think ALL my kids need to realize how blessed they are. Not just Alex. I think I'll do it too. Ever since reading about Jen's babushka hauling water from the neighbors tub!
Ann-It makes you want to pull out your hair doesn't it? They have such an opportunity here and they just don't care! My girls are so driven to get good grades and we make a big deal about it. Alex just shrugs. Oh well. He tries to tell me his "brain is stupid" but it's not. He's just lazy. He'd just rather have fun!! Grrr....
You guys always have good things to say and I appreciate your insights. It helps me to know everyone else has similar struggles. My girls do all of the above, especially worrying about everyone else's business. Oh my word. They are always trying to get each other in trouble.
These blogs are great for the other adoptive families that have 'been there, done that' to share what they are going through and the rest of us realizing that we are struggling with many of the same things. I think it is especially harder for the families of kids who have never been hosted before. Some kids from other orphanages have been hosted out to France, Italy, USA, etc. before being adopted, sometimes multiple times, and have learned some of life's basics skills.
I Just have to say your family is so adorable! and so is Alex!!!
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