Glimpses, Confessions & Life Lessons

So, Alex has roughly two more weeks of studies before he gets his money for studying all summer. He's down to eighty-five dollars. Not bad. That means he only missed studying three times all summer. 

Yesterday we were working on math. Making change actually. He missed almost every problem. He answered that if you bought something for $6.42 and paid with $10.00 you would get back $4. Once again we went over subtracting from zero and carrying the number. He came back with much better answers but still with mistakes. One problem was so easy $100-$80= and he said $9. What? Then he changed to $10. I kept asking him to think about it. He kept insisting it was $10. So I asked him to add $80+$10 and he insisted that was $100!! I finally had to show him it was $20. 

Now, disclaimer here. I am NOT a teacher! Despite Alex's plea to home school him because "You teach me most English", teaching is not my forte. I do NOT have patience and after studying for almost two hours...I was done!!!

"Seriously Alex! Ten dollars? I am worried about you!" And I lit into him about how he should be able to figure this out in his head. This is simple math. I know. Not positive. Not encouraging and as I'm berating him it dawns on me that he just completed an entire worksheet with similar but much more difficult math and done it perfectly.
Ah-ha!
The light dawns.
I don't think the problem is the math!
It's his pride!
He was sticking to that $10 answer like a pit bull dog on a T-bone. So I started in on him about pride and being open minded enough to be teachable-that he cannot learn with this stubborn pride. His eyes are starting to water at this point and he won't look at me. I hate it when he won't look at me. But I've learned when this happens that angry won't get me anywhere. When he won't look at me...he's leaving. Emotionally.
I pulled him into my arms took a deep breath and dug deep. "Alex, where are you?"  "Here." he said. (Sometimes he's back there. Very far from here. He's in his past.)  "Then look at me." and he did.
He didn't look away and as I looked in his tear filled eyes I had a glimpse. A split second glimpse. A glimpse of how his life is. The feeling of ALWAYS being wrong. Corrected. Laughed at. Made fun of. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. And for just a second I felt how he must feel every day. All day. Day in and day out.
I softly explained that no one likes to be wrong. And that I know he is wrong...a lot. I know it hurts. I know that people are always correcting his English, making fun of how he talks, laughing at his sentence structure etc. Tears just streamed down his face.  His hurt so evident. I held him and rubbed his back and kissed his forehead and told him I know. I understand. It hurts.
As I held him we talked about how he has had to do so much more than learn English. How he has had to learn how to live in a family, be not only a son but a brother, take care of things, do chores-and do them well-take baths, match his clothes, empty his pockets, learn manners, go to church, and the list went on. Then I looked deep into his eyes and told him how amazing he is doing and how sorry I am that I don't tell him enough how amazing he is! He just sobbed and nuzzled into my arms and let me hold him like a baby.
Once he gained some composure, we laughed about some of the things he's had to learn and we talked about how we find his silly sentence structures cute, endearing and funny. We're not making fun of him-unlike some of the boys at scout camp who really did make fun of him-we're just enjoying him and find him funny. I told him wouldn't it be funny if someone was learning Ukrainian and instead of saying "I love my Babushka (grandma),  she is my favorite person." They said "I love my Bambuska (roll)...." He laughed with me.
I don't think he takes too much offense when we-his family-laugh because he laughs with us for the most part. I think it's hard when his peers laugh or make fun. He's not sure if they're laughing with him or at him. And kids can be very cruel. Alex never brings up these offenses. He just keeps it to himself. (Which is ironic as he tattles on his siblings day in and out but never when it comes to them or someone hurting him.)  I actually found out about scout camp via a mom who's son told her that some of the other scouts kept making fun of Alex during camp. When I brought it up with Alex days after he just shrugged and said "Yes. They make fun of me."

Then I confessed that I don't tell him how great he is very often because when I do he acts as if he's mastered the English language and doesn't need to work on it anymore or he is now a professional or master of whatever I complimented him on.
We talked about when we're studying he needs to forget his pride and just let me or his teacher teach. He needs to open his mind and be teachable. To not rush and stubbornly refuse to consider other options.
Then I told him I would try harder to tell him how awesome and amazing he is if he would keep trying to learn and grow and not think he's "all that" when I do.

It's true. I rarely praise or compliment him. And you know he's not getting that from his siblings or peers either. I didn't really realize it until this little glimpse I had. He tries so hard and although he doesn't always do his best-he keeps trying and I'm always asking for more. I feel such a rush to get him caught up. He's so very far behind scholastically, socially, and I worry. I worry about him all the time. So when he does something well, I give him a quick "good job" and then push for more. Besides, when I have praised him in the past he gets so cocky-and he's already cocky by nature-so I've just stopped praising. In my defense I do say thank you or good job...a lot!  But that's not praise. That's not, "Wow! You are amazing!", "You are awesome!", "I can't believe how smart you are!"  And he needs that.
He needs it like a three year old needs it because sometimes he IS that three year old. When he was three he was getting beat and forced to shoplift. He was unfed and uncared for. But unlike a three year old who can prance around proclaiming how great he is after being praised-it's not so endearing coming from a twelve year old. In fact it's irritating. So in order to not be irritated and annoyed by his gangster-hip-hop-cocky attitude when complimented. I just stopped doing it. And I didn't even realize. 
So, our next life lesson for Alex?
Accepting a compliment or praise without letting it go to his head!
For me?
Dishing out those compliments and praise with two hands!

(Sigh)

So much to learn. 

For both of us.