Just how far.....

Wow.

Nothing like hanging out with orphans fresh from Ukraine to realize just how far your adopted child has come. It's more than just the physical appearance & olfactory perception, which has improved dramatically, it's the whole package. As the children yesterday ate snacks and I tried to smile and communicate a few of them scowled and walked away or grunted and rolled their eyes, I was reminded of our first days of hosting Alex. A LOT of it is the lack of communication. Understandable. But a lot of it is lack of parenting. No one has taught these children social etiquette, graces or just basic kindness and manners.(This is not true for ALL orphans, there are certainly some sweet well mannered one's as well as rough and  gruff ones! I am just referring to a handful of boys observed during the swimming activity.)  I remember being so exasperated with just basic concepts like gratitude, friendliness, politeness and civility. I remember how frustrated James was with Alex because he'd walk off when he was trying to talk with him. Alex couldn't understand him and rather than try or at the least, sit there nodding, he'd just walk off. It drove James crazy!!
Amy and I were talking after Saturday's swimming activity about how much work and effort we have put into getting our children to the point they are now. Serious work and effort. Long ago I stopped worrying about Alex liking me, he needed a mother not a buddy or play mate. He needed guidance, nurturing, encouragement and occasional hard cold facts, bluntness and truth. I have had many mental talks with myself, "If you don't teach him this, who will?" and then I grit my teeth and dive right in. I've also had many, many talks with Alex explaining that if I didn't love him I wouldn't care about his behavior, attitude and manners etc.
He has begrudgingly come to believe me and realize that I do correct him, lecture, and reprimand him because I DO love him!
However, while hosting it's a difficult balance. Are they acting this way because they don't understand? Are they trying to just appear cool in front of their orphan friends?  Are they just so unaccustomed to American manners or social graces? Or the complexity of living in a family? Or are they really just defiant, angry children with a whole lot of emotional baggage that need parents more than they'll ever be able to admit?
Alex didn't really want to go to the ice cream social tonight. It's hard for him to see all these Ukraine kids. I thought at first it just took him back down memory lane. A painful, neglected, labeled and abused memory lane. But I think it bothers him most to not understand what they're saying and realize just how much he has forgotten. He told me today he can remember five words. Oh, my. I know five words.
I told him it was up to him if he came or not.
He elected to stay home.
Then I told him that I would like him to go because perhaps he'd remember a few words, just hanging around, that he doesn't have to speak Ukraine. These kids don't know him, they can just think he's an American boy. He was okay with that concept and agreed to go. Then I told him maybe these Ukraine kids need to see that living in America is great and that we don't adopt Ukraine kids  to harvest their organs or make them slaves. He was looked at me bewildered but nodded. (He never believed any of those crazy rumors floating around about "psycho" Americans!)
Then I thought a little more and went back to his room and told him the real reason he needs to go is for the hosting parents. To show them the potential of these children. To show them they can learn manners and be clean and speak English. He needs to give them hope. Hope that these little foreign children that they cannot communicate with have such great potential. That they can be loving, kind, respectful children. And would he please be on his best behavior?
He laughed and told me that not all kids are like him. That "I just got lucky!" That he is the BEST kid.
He's right, I did get lucky and I've told him as much before but, the BEST kid? Certainly not a very humble kid.  I told him that he is a GOOD kid, just like I'm a GOOD mom but I'm not the BEST mom. I then pointed out a few flaws (not liking baths, not liking school work, not retaining his Ukraine) that other children do not struggle with and reminded him that everyone has things they're the best at but no one is the best at everything. And we both agreed that we're both pretty good but we aren't the best.
Whew.
Humble lesson #23
That's okay. At least now we can talk about it, work it out, understand and communicate with each other. He has come far and it is a good reminder that I am lucky, that he is a good kid that we have come leaps and bounds and that maybe, just maybe all the work, talks, tears, prayers, frustration and patience are paying off?
Maybe I am a good mom?
Not the best by any means.
But today, I'll agree to good.
Tomorrow might be another story...