Life Lessons 101

Alex's way of dealing with things is to just ignore them.

His mind set is: So what if I got caught lying over and over, trouble at school, disobeying, breaking the rules. Today is a new day and that is all behind me. 

Yesterday, Alex was his chipper self, acting like everything was normal but I just couldn't move forward from our no good, terrible, very bad day the day before.

I needed closure. 

I had forced him to write apology notes but not once did he express sorrow or regret to me about his behavior. 

So here goes lecture #897.....

I asked him if he felt that things were "good" between us.

He hung his head.

No.

Did he like his peanut butter sandwich?

No.

How did it make him feel to get a peanut butter sandwich?

Bad.

I explained that he got a peanut butter sandwich because I "just felt" like giving him one. Just like how he "just didn't feel like brushing his teeth". 

Then we got into the nitty-gritty. He feels bad ONLY because he got caught and because he is now paying the consequence (no screens) and he broke down sobbing because,  "He can't be with family."

It was all about the consequence and getting caught.

No sorrow for the sin (lying, disobeying or just hygienic reasons - not brushing your teeth!) 

This goes to show where his maturity level is. Somewhere between the ages of 4 and 8 don't you think? When you don't do things for fear of trouble not for sorrow for sin? 

We talked about how we can't just think a "new day" will solve the problem. That if someone beat him up one day, would he just be their best friend the next day? No. He would still feel bad. I told him how I still feel bad. I told him I know he still feels bad about how his Ukraine mom treated him because she never said she was sorry or asked for forgiveness for the mean things she did. And that I feel bad in my heart for the things he did yesterday. Especially the lying. How when you trust someone, you give them part of your heart and when they break that trust, it breaks your heart. (I know that was a little dramatic but I was going for effect here.)

We talked about "sugar" coating things. How "accidentally" watching screens is not hiding in a corner so you can see the TV. There was nothing accidental about it. Or how looking at his DS (like he told me) is different from PLAYING with his DS. (Last weeks incident that got him sent to the principles office.)

I talked to him about his feeling sorry for getting caught and sorrow for his punishment is the only sorrow he's feeling and when he starts feeling sorry for actually telling lies (or disobeying or cheating)  regardless of being caught, and hurting people that love him that is when he will be the maturity of his age. 

That Heavenly Father knows everything, even if he never gets caught.

We talked about how when he looks in the mirror, he wants to look at an honest face. How much easier his life would be if he had nothing to hide from. No lies to cover up no worries if mom called for him. He wouldn't have anything hanging over his head. 

Then we talked about the basic steps of repentance:

• Feel you’re sorry.
• Say you’re sorry.
• Ask for forgiveness.
• Pray for forgiveness and strength to overcome sin
• Try never to do it again.

He was very contrite and trying to hold it together.

I had to go show a house and then go straight to Young Women's. He had to get to scouts and when we all arrived at home that night he came into my office, shut the door asking if he could talk with me.

Sure.

He looked right into my eyes, never waiving and said, "I want to confess. I confess I lied, I didn't brush my teeth, I took rubber bands to school, I didn't listen to my teacher, I didn't respect the "guard" and I am sorry."

Oh, my. It was like balm to my soul

And I didn't even realize just how much my soul was hurting until I held him in my arms and he cried and I cried and I told him I forgave him.

I know. It was a forced "confession" but at least it was a willing one.

Besides, it was a lesson he had never learned. How to repent. How to ask forgiveness. How we just don't "ignore" things and they'll go away.  We teach our children in nursery, primary and in simple Family Home Evening from a  very early age these very basic lessons and he missed all that. But that hadn't dawned on me when I was so mad and spiteful and wanting to take away every privilege and joy he had. I was hurt! I wanted him to learn this lesson once and for all!  But, once again, after working it through and kicking against the pricks, I realize that this is new for him and his maturity level is NOT where it should be and it won't be without some really basic remedial lessons about life and relationships.

((Sigh))

I know that Alex needed to be "rescued" from the orphanage, that he needed the love of a family, the guidance of parents and that he had a  lot of life lessons to learn what I didn't realize it that I still have so much more to learn about parenting, patience and love myself.

That Father in Heaven of ours is a tricky one.....