You know?
I get a lot of things.
I get that living in an orphanage was hard. I get that the life Alex lead before living with us was sad, lonely and full of defense. I get that lying was an everyday occurrence, that cheating was the norm, that tattling was praised.
I get all that.
What I don't get is that after a year or more of living in our home he still struggles with all these issues.
The lying one has got to be the one that kills me the most. Now, don't get me wrong, he doesn't lie about big things or even important things. He lies about the stupidest, everyday, won't even get in trouble if you did or didn't things!
Did you brush your teeth?
Yes.
Did you write your words down?
Yes.
Did you finish your homework?
Yes.
And the list goes on. To all these questions if that answer had been negative my response would have been, "Then go do it." not a punishment. When confronted on these small lies and asked what I would have said if he had told the truth he admits I would have just said "Go do it." He knows he's not in trouble. And when asked if when he lies if he always gets caught the answer is "Yes." But the question of "So, why do it?" remains unanswered.
The cheating he is consciously trying to work on. He told me in Ukraine everyone cheats and the teachers don't even care. Well buddy, in America cheating doesn't fly. At least not in our family. The sad thing is, he cheats so well last year he tested ON grade level for math but now that we're working on summer school it's apparent that he is NOT on grade level. He's just creating more problems for himself because by cheating he's not getting the help and basics that he needs and then he'll have to continue cheating because he doesn't know how to do the problems. I've tried explaining this and I think he gets it but he wants to badly to please and perform correctly that the compulsive desire to cheat is so very strong. We're hitting math hard this summer and I'm thinking I'll be taking his teacher aside and explaining his situation and hoping he can keep an eye out or strategically place him in the class where it's impossible to cheat?
Tattling. Oh good gravy. We're getting use to it AND he's trying hard not to but when you were rewarded and patted on the head for narking in the past-it's hard to get past that annoying, sibling detesting, driving mother insane behavior.
I don't get our newest issue-his inability to speak clearly. He speaks so fast and slurred that if he says "I don't have....it sounds like "I have..." which is exactly the opposite of what he's saying and very confusing for all involved. And it's not that he doesn't know the words or can't speak clearly-he can-he just doesn't. This I don't get either. You would think he would want to be understood? He claims he does and cry's sometimes that no one can understand him but yet he won't slow down and speak clearly. Even in the most calm and easy going situations. Even his "okay" sounds like "nukay".
I thought I got the fact that we had an understanding about studying this summer. The deal was 2 hours a day, 5 days a week and $100 at the end of summer. Well, Alex is smart. He's figured that if he just stares into space for minutes on end "thinking"about his homework and watching the clock tick eventually his two hours gets over and he's done about 15 minutes worth of work. So this week the rules changed and he has a daily list of things that have to be done and he can work on it for as long as it takes. He cried and carried on over this until I sat down with him and asked him if he were concentrating and trying hard how long would spelling take? English? Math? Flashcards? Reading? Journal? He gave me the minutes he thought it would take and it added up to LESS than two hours! Good grief.
I get that Alex is hyper vigilant about things. If anything is lost or misplaced-just ask Alex. This morning I was looking for my shopping list and couldn't find it. Upon hearing what I was looking for Alex rushed off exclaiming (or at least I think-as I cannot understand him and especially with his back turned to me rushing off) that he knows where it is. I joked about him being my own little KGB agent but really....he is! He knows where everyone is and where everything is and he's the first to answer the phone or door. He can't talk on the phone or write down a message but he certainly knows how to say hello. I've had to talk with him about NOT answering the phone unless he knows who's calling and letting the phone go to voice mail.
I get that Alex is tough. Physically. He's not ton's bigger than his friends but he is hands down tougher than all of them. The other night he had four friends over and they were taking turns trying to wrestle him. After whopping everyone, one boy got mad and jumped on him while he was down. Alex told him to let him up and they would start over and the boy wouldn't so Alex aggressively got the boy off of him. The boy had his pride hurt and took all the friends and left. Alex stormed in the house and after figuring out what happened, we had a little talk. No, it wasn't right what the boy did but Alex needs to just walk away when things get like this-we talked about him being Hurricane Alex-and how he has to be the one that controls his aggression. We also talked about how un-fun it is to always lose-like how un-fun it is to lose to Austin all the time in wrestling-that maybe he needs to let his friends win every once in awhile? He agreed.
I don't get how he's forgot so many things so fast. He wanted an idea of what to write in his journal and I suggested he write what he remembers about visiting our house during the hosting program. He immediately fakes crying. I asked why and he said because I have to go on airplane back to Ukraine. No, I'm not asking you to write about that-I'm asking you to write about when you first met your new family and the fun things we did. We looked over pictures on the blog to help him remember and he wrote about the pictures and "leaving the next day." I asked him how many days he stayed with us and he said three. (He was here for over two weeks.)
I also don't get his warped memory of his past. How wonderful he thinks his brother treated him-when he went years without a visit or how great his Ukraine Dad was-when he let him be beat by his mother and forced to shoplift and often went hungry. Last week he was telling us these ridiculous, impossible stories about letting off firecrackers on his teachers head and inside the orphanage. I finally said, "Alex I don't think that really happened. I think you might have really liked to have that happen but it really didn't happen did it?"
"No. I tell you a story."
Funny how "telling you a story" sounds better than "telling you a lie"? And just how much is true about his Dad and brother and how much is "a story" that he might possible have created to help him cope with his neglectful past?
(((Sigh)))
I do get that Alex needs love. Unconditional, non judging, out and out shooting sparks love. I get that. And each day I tell myself today's the day I'm going to dish that out with heaping spoons to Alex and everyday I go to bed thinking of the many talks, reprimands, lesson's, reminders, corrections and sighs I've dished out-sprinkled with love.
But then I get this.....yesterdays journal entry-after talk #403 (?) about homework and lying:
Mom and I were talking about my homework. I cried for nothing. If I concentrate on my journal I will be able to play. But I gave up and lied to my mom. I was upset about stupid sentences. I felt so much better after I had a talk with my mom.
And every day I get sweaty hugs, and a cute little boys head laid softly on my shoulder at the oddest moments and I get that he's mine and for better and for worse we just keep getting on.
Oh, and I don't want to forget this- when I had him write about the first time he met our family he instantly referred to me as "my mom" in his journal. I said "Alex, you didn't know I would be your mom when you came did you?" "Yes," he said grinning up at me, "I knew when I first saw you that you would be my mom."
I get a lot of things.
I get that living in an orphanage was hard. I get that the life Alex lead before living with us was sad, lonely and full of defense. I get that lying was an everyday occurrence, that cheating was the norm, that tattling was praised.
I get all that.
What I don't get is that after a year or more of living in our home he still struggles with all these issues.
The lying one has got to be the one that kills me the most. Now, don't get me wrong, he doesn't lie about big things or even important things. He lies about the stupidest, everyday, won't even get in trouble if you did or didn't things!
Did you brush your teeth?
Yes.
Did you write your words down?
Yes.
Did you finish your homework?
Yes.
And the list goes on. To all these questions if that answer had been negative my response would have been, "Then go do it." not a punishment. When confronted on these small lies and asked what I would have said if he had told the truth he admits I would have just said "Go do it." He knows he's not in trouble. And when asked if when he lies if he always gets caught the answer is "Yes." But the question of "So, why do it?" remains unanswered.
The cheating he is consciously trying to work on. He told me in Ukraine everyone cheats and the teachers don't even care. Well buddy, in America cheating doesn't fly. At least not in our family. The sad thing is, he cheats so well last year he tested ON grade level for math but now that we're working on summer school it's apparent that he is NOT on grade level. He's just creating more problems for himself because by cheating he's not getting the help and basics that he needs and then he'll have to continue cheating because he doesn't know how to do the problems. I've tried explaining this and I think he gets it but he wants to badly to please and perform correctly that the compulsive desire to cheat is so very strong. We're hitting math hard this summer and I'm thinking I'll be taking his teacher aside and explaining his situation and hoping he can keep an eye out or strategically place him in the class where it's impossible to cheat?
Tattling. Oh good gravy. We're getting use to it AND he's trying hard not to but when you were rewarded and patted on the head for narking in the past-it's hard to get past that annoying, sibling detesting, driving mother insane behavior.
I don't get our newest issue-his inability to speak clearly. He speaks so fast and slurred that if he says "I don't have....it sounds like "I have..." which is exactly the opposite of what he's saying and very confusing for all involved. And it's not that he doesn't know the words or can't speak clearly-he can-he just doesn't. This I don't get either. You would think he would want to be understood? He claims he does and cry's sometimes that no one can understand him but yet he won't slow down and speak clearly. Even in the most calm and easy going situations. Even his "okay" sounds like "nukay".
I thought I got the fact that we had an understanding about studying this summer. The deal was 2 hours a day, 5 days a week and $100 at the end of summer. Well, Alex is smart. He's figured that if he just stares into space for minutes on end "thinking"about his homework and watching the clock tick eventually his two hours gets over and he's done about 15 minutes worth of work. So this week the rules changed and he has a daily list of things that have to be done and he can work on it for as long as it takes. He cried and carried on over this until I sat down with him and asked him if he were concentrating and trying hard how long would spelling take? English? Math? Flashcards? Reading? Journal? He gave me the minutes he thought it would take and it added up to LESS than two hours! Good grief.
I get that Alex is hyper vigilant about things. If anything is lost or misplaced-just ask Alex. This morning I was looking for my shopping list and couldn't find it. Upon hearing what I was looking for Alex rushed off exclaiming (or at least I think-as I cannot understand him and especially with his back turned to me rushing off) that he knows where it is. I joked about him being my own little KGB agent but really....he is! He knows where everyone is and where everything is and he's the first to answer the phone or door. He can't talk on the phone or write down a message but he certainly knows how to say hello. I've had to talk with him about NOT answering the phone unless he knows who's calling and letting the phone go to voice mail.
I get that Alex is tough. Physically. He's not ton's bigger than his friends but he is hands down tougher than all of them. The other night he had four friends over and they were taking turns trying to wrestle him. After whopping everyone, one boy got mad and jumped on him while he was down. Alex told him to let him up and they would start over and the boy wouldn't so Alex aggressively got the boy off of him. The boy had his pride hurt and took all the friends and left. Alex stormed in the house and after figuring out what happened, we had a little talk. No, it wasn't right what the boy did but Alex needs to just walk away when things get like this-we talked about him being Hurricane Alex-and how he has to be the one that controls his aggression. We also talked about how un-fun it is to always lose-like how un-fun it is to lose to Austin all the time in wrestling-that maybe he needs to let his friends win every once in awhile? He agreed.
I don't get how he's forgot so many things so fast. He wanted an idea of what to write in his journal and I suggested he write what he remembers about visiting our house during the hosting program. He immediately fakes crying. I asked why and he said because I have to go on airplane back to Ukraine. No, I'm not asking you to write about that-I'm asking you to write about when you first met your new family and the fun things we did. We looked over pictures on the blog to help him remember and he wrote about the pictures and "leaving the next day." I asked him how many days he stayed with us and he said three. (He was here for over two weeks.)
I also don't get his warped memory of his past. How wonderful he thinks his brother treated him-when he went years without a visit or how great his Ukraine Dad was-when he let him be beat by his mother and forced to shoplift and often went hungry. Last week he was telling us these ridiculous, impossible stories about letting off firecrackers on his teachers head and inside the orphanage. I finally said, "Alex I don't think that really happened. I think you might have really liked to have that happen but it really didn't happen did it?"
"No. I tell you a story."
Funny how "telling you a story" sounds better than "telling you a lie"? And just how much is true about his Dad and brother and how much is "a story" that he might possible have created to help him cope with his neglectful past?
(((Sigh)))
I do get that Alex needs love. Unconditional, non judging, out and out shooting sparks love. I get that. And each day I tell myself today's the day I'm going to dish that out with heaping spoons to Alex and everyday I go to bed thinking of the many talks, reprimands, lesson's, reminders, corrections and sighs I've dished out-sprinkled with love.
But then I get this.....yesterdays journal entry-after talk #403 (?) about homework and lying:
Mom and I were talking about my homework. I cried for nothing. If I concentrate on my journal I will be able to play. But I gave up and lied to my mom. I was upset about stupid sentences. I felt so much better after I had a talk with my mom.
And every day I get sweaty hugs, and a cute little boys head laid softly on my shoulder at the oddest moments and I get that he's mine and for better and for worse we just keep getting on.
Oh, and I don't want to forget this- when I had him write about the first time he met our family he instantly referred to me as "my mom" in his journal. I said "Alex, you didn't know I would be your mom when you came did you?" "Yes," he said grinning up at me, "I knew when I first saw you that you would be my mom."
That gets me.....right in the heart!
1 of my blog friends said something...:
Good post, Wendy. And I so relate to what you're saying. We work and work and work on a spelling list, and by the end of the week, he can't spell any of the words. Well, at least he can't spell a lot of the words, and he's written them and used them in sentences all week, done crossword puzzles with them, played games with them. I get frustrated, and he says, "I can't remember." But yet if he finds out the password to the computer, it's permanently etched in his brain. We've had a few of those days complaining and not wanting to do his work, and he does work SLOWLY. Quinn is done in a fraction of the time doing way harder stuff, and he's on to practicing the piano while Alex is still figuring out 7 X 8. So I DO get what you're saying. Hang in there. Summer's half over.
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