Last May I wrote the following post in my private blog. Today I feel compelled to share it with all of you. I didn't post it as I didn't want to offend those with well meaning advice and opinions but I think there are probably quite a few of you out there in my same boat with well meaning folks diagnosing and analyzing your child. So I'm not longer holding back, here are my thoughts....
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Yesterday, I had a fabulous lunch with a bunch of mom's that have adopted from Ukraine. Some have had their kids for 3+ years and others less than we've had Alex.
I follow so many blogs of families that struggle with adoption and have children diagnosed with RAD and PTSD and all sort of attachment disorders that it was refreshing to visit with mom's that have kids a lot like Alex. Kids that love openly, try hard and are blossoming where they are planted.
After reading so many traumatic and scary scenario's in blog world, it's almost like I've been watching for the other "shoe to drop" with Alex. Waiting for his RAD or PTSD to come roaring through. Waiting for some violent or emotional outburst. Some proof that he is broken and needs fixing. Not because I WANT it but because I've been told it WILL happen that he can't possibly have endured his past without having an official diagnosis, issues and or problems.
But guess what....not happening!
Yes, I know we've been home just over a year and that things can surface later but rather than live my life on eggs shells waiting for it to happen, I am just going to stop looking for it, stop assuming he's broken, and stop giving into fear.
Yes, he struggles with homework, who wouldn't only being in a country for a year? Yes, he has horrible memories and past experiences, we talk about them when he wants to talk about them and he's moving on and healing. Yes, he struggles to tell the truth but after ten years of lying at the drop of a pin it's going to take awhile to give up that vice.
He has confidence, he feels secure in his position here in our family, he's working on telling the truth, talking about his feelings, learning the Gospel, sharing his parents, making friends, learning English, growing and trying new things and all in all he's doing beautifully.
Not ONE of the families in our group have their kids in therapy. Some use and apply the Beyond Love and Logic principles but most parent their Ukraine imports with the same skills and strategies that they parent their home grown children with. And they are having success.
We moms have our ups and downs but we do with ALL our children, adopted or not.
Am I naive? Am I just looking through rose color glasses? Maybe. But that's okay. I think that's better than jumping to conclusions, diagnosing him myself, trying therapies without being a therapist. I think there is much worse things than just loving and accepting a child as he is and letting come what may and crossing that bridge when we get to it.
As of today I am done waiting for the "shoe to drop" I am just going to love and accept Alex just like he is and just take it one day at a time. He has done nothing to warrant putting him in therapy or counseling. In fact he's easier right now then some of his siblings. Much easier.
Nope, the road here wasn't smooth and I imagine we will still have bumps and bruises. But hey, I have that with ALL my children and I'm not dragging them by the hand to sit in front of a therapist or join a therapy play group.
Besides, some therapy's like the water therapy and some of the holding techniques have proven to be more harmful then good. Why would I want to subject to Alex to anything more harmful and traumatic then what he's already been through? Many theories are unproven and I'll be darned if it's my kid that they practice on and decide years later, "Nope that didn't work!"
I'm a firm believer that if you treat him like he's broken he will be broken. I also think that kids will act and behave a lot like you expect them to act and behave like. If you're always telling your friends and family how awful they behave, what issues they have then by darn...they'll prove you right! I have a friend that openly tells everyone how her child is so shy and backward and what a horrible student she is. All the while the child is standing next to her. Guess what? She is all those things and will probably continue to be because that is what her mom expects of her.
This is not to say that I don't think some children need therapy or help. They do. There are amazing mom's out there that deal with incredibly hard children day in and day out. Mom's that make my life look like a piece of cake. Children that need help. Professional help. But just because a child is adopted be it from Ukraine, Uganda or the Uruguay, doesn't mean they automatically have all these diagnosis, issues and problems.
I thank my lucky stars that I have Alex. I am thankful for ALL my children and the problems they EACH have. Perfect children like perfect parents are imaginary. I am just grateful that the issues and situations we have we muddle through. Not always perfectly, not always the way we should but we make it. Day by day. Moment by moment.
So that's my vent. Not all adoptive mom's are at their wits end, I know, I just lunched with some yesterday!
I follow so many blogs of families that struggle with adoption and have children diagnosed with RAD and PTSD and all sort of attachment disorders that it was refreshing to visit with mom's that have kids a lot like Alex. Kids that love openly, try hard and are blossoming where they are planted.
After reading so many traumatic and scary scenario's in blog world, it's almost like I've been watching for the other "shoe to drop" with Alex. Waiting for his RAD or PTSD to come roaring through. Waiting for some violent or emotional outburst. Some proof that he is broken and needs fixing. Not because I WANT it but because I've been told it WILL happen that he can't possibly have endured his past without having an official diagnosis, issues and or problems.
But guess what....not happening!
Yes, I know we've been home just over a year and that things can surface later but rather than live my life on eggs shells waiting for it to happen, I am just going to stop looking for it, stop assuming he's broken, and stop giving into fear.
Yes, he struggles with homework, who wouldn't only being in a country for a year? Yes, he has horrible memories and past experiences, we talk about them when he wants to talk about them and he's moving on and healing. Yes, he struggles to tell the truth but after ten years of lying at the drop of a pin it's going to take awhile to give up that vice.
He has confidence, he feels secure in his position here in our family, he's working on telling the truth, talking about his feelings, learning the Gospel, sharing his parents, making friends, learning English, growing and trying new things and all in all he's doing beautifully.
Not ONE of the families in our group have their kids in therapy. Some use and apply the Beyond Love and Logic principles but most parent their Ukraine imports with the same skills and strategies that they parent their home grown children with. And they are having success.
We moms have our ups and downs but we do with ALL our children, adopted or not.
Am I naive? Am I just looking through rose color glasses? Maybe. But that's okay. I think that's better than jumping to conclusions, diagnosing him myself, trying therapies without being a therapist. I think there is much worse things than just loving and accepting a child as he is and letting come what may and crossing that bridge when we get to it.
As of today I am done waiting for the "shoe to drop" I am just going to love and accept Alex just like he is and just take it one day at a time. He has done nothing to warrant putting him in therapy or counseling. In fact he's easier right now then some of his siblings. Much easier.
Nope, the road here wasn't smooth and I imagine we will still have bumps and bruises. But hey, I have that with ALL my children and I'm not dragging them by the hand to sit in front of a therapist or join a therapy play group.
Besides, some therapy's like the water therapy and some of the holding techniques have proven to be more harmful then good. Why would I want to subject to Alex to anything more harmful and traumatic then what he's already been through? Many theories are unproven and I'll be darned if it's my kid that they practice on and decide years later, "Nope that didn't work!"
I'm a firm believer that if you treat him like he's broken he will be broken. I also think that kids will act and behave a lot like you expect them to act and behave like. If you're always telling your friends and family how awful they behave, what issues they have then by darn...they'll prove you right! I have a friend that openly tells everyone how her child is so shy and backward and what a horrible student she is. All the while the child is standing next to her. Guess what? She is all those things and will probably continue to be because that is what her mom expects of her.
This is not to say that I don't think some children need therapy or help. They do. There are amazing mom's out there that deal with incredibly hard children day in and day out. Mom's that make my life look like a piece of cake. Children that need help. Professional help. But just because a child is adopted be it from Ukraine, Uganda or the Uruguay, doesn't mean they automatically have all these diagnosis, issues and problems.
I thank my lucky stars that I have Alex. I am thankful for ALL my children and the problems they EACH have. Perfect children like perfect parents are imaginary. I am just grateful that the issues and situations we have we muddle through. Not always perfectly, not always the way we should but we make it. Day by day. Moment by moment.
So that's my vent. Not all adoptive mom's are at their wits end, I know, I just lunched with some yesterday!
9 of my blog friends said something...:
very well said!!
Amen. I agree. My co-worker has kids from Russia (who came as infants) and she has had them in therapy since they could speak. Now at 7 and 8 they do have issues, and I think its because she creates these issues and says "They are not typical kids, they NEED x, y or z because they are adopted". Our girl hasnt had an easy life, and she is a sassy 8 year old, but I think she just needs love and parenting. We saw a huge change in 3 weeks and know she will be ok in the long run.
Alex is so very lucky that he found your family, that accepts him for who he is, and loves him just the same.
I'm also a firm believer that children become what you expect of them. Certainly some require intervention but many just need someone to believe in their abilities. Well said.
Good vent Wendy...I agree 100%. We all have our good days and our bad days and do the best we can with both. Birth children and adopted children alike.
Oh, by the way, how do you blog something but keep it private and still have it show up somewhere for printing? I have a couple things I want to add, but not tell the whole world about. Thanks, Jen
Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting this post. I will admit that I have stopped reading many blogs as I was horrified by some of the things I read. I felt we were all scrutinizing on kids and their difficulties which were akwardly explained by many parents. I also wonder how this blog venting will ever be viewed by the kids themselves when they have a chance to read them. It will have devastating effects to know they were found inadequate is so many ways. They are human beings who need acceptance. My opinion is that whe one decides to adopt a child then just deal with it and stop analyzing this child so much. As you say they become what they are told they are. I can't thank you enough for posting this. I could loudly express much more as much has raised hair on my head and many might say "what do you know? you haven't adopted yet!" But I can reply "Hey, I was an older adopted kid!!!". You are right, your Alex is just fine!!! And you are an amazing mother! I love how positive you have been!
Wendy, thanks for the great post. I think a lot of parents need to hear this, both pre- and post adoptive parents. You are doing a great job with that cute boy.
Margie
Wendy,
You are an amazing Mom and Alex is so lucky to be in your home. I want to be like you when I grow up :)
Christy
PS your insights do and will help a lot of people
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