I was reading on a blog about an adopted Ukraine girl that learned at school last week about the 7 year old Russian boy that was sent back to Russia. She was teased by her para that if she's not good maybe her parents will send her back too. Luckily this child is attached enough to know better.
I've been approached a number of times by well meaning people asking me my opinion and/or if I was aware of the situation. I've given them my two cents and then asked them to please not mention anything to Alex, we're choosing to keep him sheltered from this.
I just didn't want him to EVER think that was an option.
In my friend Amy's blog this week, she mentioned that her daughters (both from the same orphanage as Alex) told her children would leave the orphanage to live with Ukraine families and come back all the time if they were bad. I'm pretty sure Alex was threatened before he left Ukraine that if he is not good, we'll send him back. I just thought him not knowing at all about this little Russia boy would be best.
After reading Salva Bolga and her daughters experience at a school, I've decided hearing about this little boy would be better coming from me than a school mate or an unknowing/insensitive/inquisitive person. So, after school I took him aside and told him I needed to talk to him. He gave me a sigh. "My job?" No, it' not about your chores. (We've had numerous talks about his quality of work lately. Poor boy-he's sure he's done something wrong to deserve yet another mama talk!) No, it's not anything about anything you've done. I don't want you to freak out but I want to tell you what happened to a little boy adopted from Russia because I would rather you hear it from me than anyone else.
I then told him briefly how this little boy was adopted, had a lot of problems with his new family (I mentioned he was violent and threatened to burn down his family's house with them in it) and how he was put on a plane with a note and sent back to Russia. THEN I explained that this would NEVER happen to him. We would never send him back. He's our boy. If anyone ever says anything to him that it might happen to him you just say, "No, it won't my family loves me, they would never send me back."
He nodded and rushed into my arms and smiling up at me said,
I know because I am sealed and baptized!
That's right you are sealed to us forever.
I never burn down our house or hurt my family.
I know, I said. You are a good boy.
I'm trying be good mom. I'm trying.
Which was good for me to hear and remember. He is trying. Despite the fact that we repeat and repeat ourselves and struggle with the same issues over and over. He is trying. You can't just give up behaviors that you've cultivated and used for survival the first ten years of your life in less than a year. (Like lying.) And since he never owned anything, how would he know how to take care of anything or have pride in a job well done? And as far as homework goes....I certainly would be struggling to be doing 5th grade work in Russian with less than a year of language skills and certainly not happy to attack my homework each night. He IS trying and I needed to be reminded of that.
Here's our boring entry from last year:
I've been approached a number of times by well meaning people asking me my opinion and/or if I was aware of the situation. I've given them my two cents and then asked them to please not mention anything to Alex, we're choosing to keep him sheltered from this.
I just didn't want him to EVER think that was an option.
In my friend Amy's blog this week, she mentioned that her daughters (both from the same orphanage as Alex) told her children would leave the orphanage to live with Ukraine families and come back all the time if they were bad. I'm pretty sure Alex was threatened before he left Ukraine that if he is not good, we'll send him back. I just thought him not knowing at all about this little Russia boy would be best.
After reading Salva Bolga and her daughters experience at a school, I've decided hearing about this little boy would be better coming from me than a school mate or an unknowing/insensitive/inquisitive person. So, after school I took him aside and told him I needed to talk to him. He gave me a sigh. "My job?" No, it' not about your chores. (We've had numerous talks about his quality of work lately. Poor boy-he's sure he's done something wrong to deserve yet another mama talk!) No, it's not anything about anything you've done. I don't want you to freak out but I want to tell you what happened to a little boy adopted from Russia because I would rather you hear it from me than anyone else.
I then told him briefly how this little boy was adopted, had a lot of problems with his new family (I mentioned he was violent and threatened to burn down his family's house with them in it) and how he was put on a plane with a note and sent back to Russia. THEN I explained that this would NEVER happen to him. We would never send him back. He's our boy. If anyone ever says anything to him that it might happen to him you just say, "No, it won't my family loves me, they would never send me back."
He nodded and rushed into my arms and smiling up at me said,
I know because I am sealed and baptized!
That's right you are sealed to us forever.
I never burn down our house or hurt my family.
I know, I said. You are a good boy.
I'm trying be good mom. I'm trying.
Which was good for me to hear and remember. He is trying. Despite the fact that we repeat and repeat ourselves and struggle with the same issues over and over. He is trying. You can't just give up behaviors that you've cultivated and used for survival the first ten years of your life in less than a year. (Like lying.) And since he never owned anything, how would he know how to take care of anything or have pride in a job well done? And as far as homework goes....I certainly would be struggling to be doing 5th grade work in Russian with less than a year of language skills and certainly not happy to attack my homework each night. He IS trying and I needed to be reminded of that.
Here's our boring entry from last year:
http://blessedwitharichhart.blogspot.com/2009/04/april-17th-or-day-31.html
(I'm doubting anyone but James and I are re-reading these but, just in case, I'll be posting links through the 30th when we arrived home.)
(I'm doubting anyone but James and I are re-reading these but, just in case, I'll be posting links through the 30th when we arrived home.)
5 of my blog friends said something...:
I certainly think you did the right thing. It's way better that he heard it from you! It just shows what a good parent you are! Good job, cuz!
I totally think it was the right thing to do. I think it would be much easier for him to deal, if someone ever said anything to him, knowing that his family loves him.
Absolutely you did the right thing. I have to agree with the other's it's way better he hear's things from you and james as his parents and from his family. No worries you are a wonderful mother. Don't ever doubt that!
Of course you did the right thing! Now, whether anything is said to him or not, he is secure in knowing how you/family feels. And, yes, I re-read the daily adventures from last year. I look forward to these entries just as much as when you were in Ukraine!
I definitely believe that openly talking about these things at home and giving them the dialogue makes them secure and confident.
Since my native Ukrainians are from disrupted adoptions, we talk about "forever family" frequently. They get it. I think our adopted children can learn to trust and be secure if we do our best to address their fears before they are blindsided by someone else.
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