After reading last years post for today I couldn't help but be a little impressed with how upbeat I sounded because I truly was an emotional wreck. I just wanted to go home. I missed my family, I was so tired of being in this foreign country, I had no idea what to do with Alex and I felt like life was on terminal hold as we waited and waited some more. In a nut shell. I was done.
I was sure when I got home I would bounce right back into my old lifestyle and feel normal and happy and Alex would acclimate and find his niche.
But I didn't and he didn't. It took months. During those months I seriously doubted why we had done this. Our life before had been so easy compared to this adjustment. I tried to keep all that to myself. I was sure something was wrong with me. Why didn't I just love this boy like my own? Why didn't I have more compassion? Why did I resent him so? I know part of it was the whole six week experience in Ukraine and being with him non-stop for the last two weeks. He was also very dependent and needy and I'm very independent and love my freedom. I'm not a "diaper bag" mom. You know? I loved it when my kids were out of diapers, independent, playing with friends, doing their thing and I did my thing. I had brought home a ten almost eleven year old diaper bag baby. He was constantly at my side. Needing me all the time. Wanting to know where I was, what I was doing. More than that it was his emotional dependency on me that was suffocating me.
I would say it took a good six months for me to feel like things would be okay. And even then I had my ups and downs. I still do.
Today was a down day. Or at least it started out like one. Alex has a big book report due today. He's know about it for over a month. We've worked on it a bit at a time but he's not very motivated and this morning I realized we hadn't corrected the last few pages. I encouraged him to hurry through his morning routine so we could get it done and he moved at his regular "I don't care" speed and that started my fuse. Then when I looked over his report to see his scrawled, sloppy handwriting, crinkled papers, the words I had corrected sloppily written over the incorrect word, and two pages stuck together with something sticky. I lost it. And I lost it good! I told him if he doesn't care, than I don't care. I told him that I don't expect him to know how to spell all the words or structure all the sentences correctly but I do expect him to write nicely and care about his presentation. I do expect him to do his best. Oh, I told him lots more too. Like the excuse that he's from Ukraine and stupid is ridiculous. He's not stupid, he just doesn't try or care. I told him he feels sorry for himself and worries way to much about having fun. I mentioned how in his prayers he always prays that we have a "fun, fun day" and maybe he should pray for help to understand English, do better in school and stop worrying about only having fun. Yes, I yelled and yes, by the end of said yell fest he cried. But you know what? I yelled at him just like I'd yell at any of my other children and I realized right there and then I want him to succeed because I love him and I want a good life for him. I told him as much. I told him if I didn't love him, I wouldn't care about his sloppy work. I'd just shrug and say, oh well. (It was at this point that his tears broke free and rolled down his cheeks. Yeah, it gets him when he realizes he's loved.)
We hugged and he somberly went to school.
I called his teacher and gave her the heads up. She's going to reinforce the sloppiness issue-which is great as I think she's a little soft on him-most everyone is. "Oh, poor orphan boy. He's so cute. He just doesn't understand." Or whatever. NO!!! He is not a poor orphan boy, he's one of the lucky ones. He got out, he has a family that loves him and he needs to stop being coddled and expected less of. HE IS CAPABLE and yet he slides through doing the least and the crappiest possible. NO MORE!!! I love Alex too much to let him think this is how life is. Life is hard! Things are unfair! Get over it!! He has a good life here and he has the opportunity to do great things and now it's time he start doing his part.
Some day when he invents some fabulous machine or wins the noble peace prize he will thank me. Until then I will just have to be the mean mom that expects more, pushes harder and isn't swayed by his cute face and forlorn history.
Wow. I didn't know I was going to write all that and I'm debating deleting it but just in case you're a mom in the same boat with the same issues, I think I'll post it.
Yeah, I know. No chance of winning Mother Of The Year award with confessions like this but, that's life! It's hard and sometimes unfair. Get over it!
Peace
~Wendy
Oh. And in defense of my rant with Alex. He CAN write nicer. I've seen it. Every so once in awhile he puts a little effort into his journal writing and he can write ten times nicer than the quality of penmanship of his book report. His book report was on Davy Crockett. The book was sitting beside him with the name in bold print and he spelled DAVY wrong! Even after I pointed it out. Just in case you're thinking I'm harsh, over the top or just setting the bar to high. I am so not.
I was sure when I got home I would bounce right back into my old lifestyle and feel normal and happy and Alex would acclimate and find his niche.
But I didn't and he didn't. It took months. During those months I seriously doubted why we had done this. Our life before had been so easy compared to this adjustment. I tried to keep all that to myself. I was sure something was wrong with me. Why didn't I just love this boy like my own? Why didn't I have more compassion? Why did I resent him so? I know part of it was the whole six week experience in Ukraine and being with him non-stop for the last two weeks. He was also very dependent and needy and I'm very independent and love my freedom. I'm not a "diaper bag" mom. You know? I loved it when my kids were out of diapers, independent, playing with friends, doing their thing and I did my thing. I had brought home a ten almost eleven year old diaper bag baby. He was constantly at my side. Needing me all the time. Wanting to know where I was, what I was doing. More than that it was his emotional dependency on me that was suffocating me.
I would say it took a good six months for me to feel like things would be okay. And even then I had my ups and downs. I still do.
Today was a down day. Or at least it started out like one. Alex has a big book report due today. He's know about it for over a month. We've worked on it a bit at a time but he's not very motivated and this morning I realized we hadn't corrected the last few pages. I encouraged him to hurry through his morning routine so we could get it done and he moved at his regular "I don't care" speed and that started my fuse. Then when I looked over his report to see his scrawled, sloppy handwriting, crinkled papers, the words I had corrected sloppily written over the incorrect word, and two pages stuck together with something sticky. I lost it. And I lost it good! I told him if he doesn't care, than I don't care. I told him that I don't expect him to know how to spell all the words or structure all the sentences correctly but I do expect him to write nicely and care about his presentation. I do expect him to do his best. Oh, I told him lots more too. Like the excuse that he's from Ukraine and stupid is ridiculous. He's not stupid, he just doesn't try or care. I told him he feels sorry for himself and worries way to much about having fun. I mentioned how in his prayers he always prays that we have a "fun, fun day" and maybe he should pray for help to understand English, do better in school and stop worrying about only having fun. Yes, I yelled and yes, by the end of said yell fest he cried. But you know what? I yelled at him just like I'd yell at any of my other children and I realized right there and then I want him to succeed because I love him and I want a good life for him. I told him as much. I told him if I didn't love him, I wouldn't care about his sloppy work. I'd just shrug and say, oh well. (It was at this point that his tears broke free and rolled down his cheeks. Yeah, it gets him when he realizes he's loved.)
We hugged and he somberly went to school.
I called his teacher and gave her the heads up. She's going to reinforce the sloppiness issue-which is great as I think she's a little soft on him-most everyone is. "Oh, poor orphan boy. He's so cute. He just doesn't understand." Or whatever. NO!!! He is not a poor orphan boy, he's one of the lucky ones. He got out, he has a family that loves him and he needs to stop being coddled and expected less of. HE IS CAPABLE and yet he slides through doing the least and the crappiest possible. NO MORE!!! I love Alex too much to let him think this is how life is. Life is hard! Things are unfair! Get over it!! He has a good life here and he has the opportunity to do great things and now it's time he start doing his part.
Some day when he invents some fabulous machine or wins the noble peace prize he will thank me. Until then I will just have to be the mean mom that expects more, pushes harder and isn't swayed by his cute face and forlorn history.
Wow. I didn't know I was going to write all that and I'm debating deleting it but just in case you're a mom in the same boat with the same issues, I think I'll post it.
Yeah, I know. No chance of winning Mother Of The Year award with confessions like this but, that's life! It's hard and sometimes unfair. Get over it!
Peace
~Wendy
Oh. And in defense of my rant with Alex. He CAN write nicer. I've seen it. Every so once in awhile he puts a little effort into his journal writing and he can write ten times nicer than the quality of penmanship of his book report. His book report was on Davy Crockett. The book was sitting beside him with the name in bold print and he spelled DAVY wrong! Even after I pointed it out. Just in case you're thinking I'm harsh, over the top or just setting the bar to high. I am so not.
http://blessedwitharichhart.blogspot.com/2009/04/april-22nd.html
5 of my blog friends said something...:
Sweet Alex is very lucky to have a mom that cares so much. I agree that life shouldn't be full of excuses because of his past, this is his new normal. In my 3 weeks with our girl, I wrote about this, how she wanted me to be her slave, and I wasnt going to do it, even if thats what she wanted, or may have needed, it just isnt an accurate portrait of what life is in a family and one day that harsh reality would come forward and be harder to accept. You're doing a great job, keep up the fair preassure.
I think that this is just what Alex needs! You have the right idea about it and you shouldn't worry about what other people think because you are doing the right thing. You're his mom and you know what he needs!
Wendy, I can SOOOO relate to everything you said. It's like reading about my own EXACT frustrations.
GOOD JOB WENDY! I think you did exactly what you needed to! You are a great MOM! He is very lucky and so are you! Love You! Shirlene
Wendy, Wendy, Wendy...I am just grateful that someone else is mirroring my feelings some days. Having a little boy join our family later in years is definitely a challenge. This post is especially comforting to me today. I need to say some of these same things to Jules, and now I know I can. You rock...keep on rockin!
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